Family Life Today Program this week

One of my favorite Bible Teachers is being featured on the Family Life Radio program this week. Tommy Nelson is probably most well known for his study on the Song of Solomon. This study is a practical study of romance and marital love as God intended. I have had the opportunity to go to one of his Song of Solomon Conferences, as well as do his study on the book of Ecclesiastes. Both are excellent and both can be purchased for your own personal study (click on the Tommy Nelson link to the right). This week on the radio program Tommy will be speaking on the subject of Song of Solomon and Romance. I encourage all of you, married and single, to listen to the series this week. I can promise you it will not be a waste of your time. You can listen online by clicking on the Family Life link to the right.

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS; WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS?

Matthew 18:21-35 is a key passage when seeking an understanding of forgiveness. It is in this passage, often termed “The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” where we learn so much about Biblical Forgiveness. The passage details a king who desires to settle his accounts. The king goes to one man who owes him millions of dollars. When the man is unable to pay the debt the king responds by having pity on him and canceling the debt. It is in this story that Jesus teaches us so much about forgiveness.

Timothy Lane, author of the booklet Forgiving Others- Joining Wisdom and Love, defines forgiveness this way. “Forgiveness is an act of compassion; love expressed when you are sinned against.” He goes on to include five characteristics of Biblical forgiveness which flow from Matthew 18:21-35.

1. Forgiveness Cancels a Debt.

It is important to note the word cancels. Notice it does not say that forgiveness ignores a debt. Many people understand forgiveness to mean that you must ignore or forget that an offense was ever done to you. Biblical forgiveness never speaks of forgiveness in these terms. Someone must always “pay” for the offense. Either the person who offended you must seek to repay the offense, or you, the offended, must extend forgiveness and absorb the pain and suffering caused by the offense.

It is important to think back to your own salvation experience. Each of us is indebted, because of our sin, to God. We are all sinners and in need of forgiveness. God, through Jesus Christ, modeled forgiveness to you when He sent His only Son to pay your debt for you. When you accepted the forgiveness of your sins through Jesus Christ your sin debt was cancelled. It was not forgotten or ignored. Someone… Jesus Christ… paid your debt. We must do the same when we are sinned against. We do not ignore the sin; rather we bear the pain of the sin ourselves. This is forgiveness.

Timothy Lane gives an excellent illustration of this point. He writes: “Suppose you borrow my wheelbarrow. When you return it, the wheel is flat. I can make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We cannot pretend that the wheelbarrow is not broken. We can’t minimize its brokenness. If I choose to pay for it myself, I have “forgiven” you your debt; it is cancelled. The person who forgives no longer expects to be repaid for what he has suffered.”

2. Forgiveness is a Three-Fold Promise

Understanding forgiveness as canceling a debt someone owes you requires you to make a three-fold promise.

1. “I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.” The last statement of this phrase is essential… “use it against you.” You cannot cancel a debt and then hold it against someone. Those are opposite actions. One action says you no longer owe me for the debt you incurred, while the other action is saying you still owe me! Only when reconciliation is at issue should the forgiver bring up the offense.

2. “I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.”

3. “I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on this offense.”

Admittedly, what is required of you, the forgiver, is difficult. In fact, it may seem impossible, however, it is essential and it is certainly attainable through Christ (Ephesians 3:20). It is also important to remember that when you fail to forgive you are really only hurting yourself and your relationship with God. It feels as though in some way you are enacting justice on the person who has hurt you, but really you are only remaining in a state of anger and bitterness which continually causes you to dwell on the offense. There is true joy and peace at the end of forgiveness. You do not have to hold on to the offense. It is not your place to enact justice on the one who has offended you. Forgive and experience the joy and peace which is found when true forgiveness is extended.

3. Forgiveness is an Event and a Process

This is an important point to remember. We are not super-humans. Forgiveness is certainly an event. You choose at a specific time and place to say, “I forgive you.” However, there will be times when the hurt, pain and anger invade as an unwelcome guest. Seemingly out of nowhere, your mind will turn to the offense and it will be all you can do to clear your thoughts from the hurt and anger. It is at this time that you must remember the three-fold promise you made when you first chose to forgive. Over time, as you continue to defeat Satan, the pain and hurt of the offense will lessen and the events will enter your mind less and less until you can no longer recall them.

4. Forgiveness is not Forgetting

We have already touched on this point. This is probably the most misunderstood point about forgiveness. Again, let me turn to the words of Timothy Lane: “Many people cite Jeremiah 31:34 and conclude that since God forgets my sins when he forgives me, I must forget the sins that others have committed against me. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” But the omniscient God does not have amnesia when it comes to our sins. The word “remember” in this passage does not refer to memory, but to covenant. A covenant is a promise. When God forgives our sins, he does not forget them. Rather, he makes a promise not to treat you as your sins deserve. He chooses to absorb the cost himself in the persona and work of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.”

5. Forgiveness is not Peace at All Costs

The Bible calls us to hold each other to high standards (Matthew 18:15-19). We are not to become a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. While we are commanded to forgive, it may be unwise for us to welcome certain people back into our lives. While you must forgive a husband who abuses you, or a wife who cannot control her alcohol consumption, inviting them back into your home and your life is different than forgiving them.

Hopefully, you have found this to be informative and challenging. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential. As I close remember Matthew 6:14-15…

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Check back next week as I will look into the subject of the Importance of Forgiveness.

If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness I encourage you to check out the book by Timothy S. Lane. Forgiving Others Joining Wisdom and Love. You can order it by clicking here.

Exploring Forgiveness

Often people ask me, “What is the biggest issue you encounter in the counseling office?” Without hesitation I am able to say the need to accept or extend forgiveness. In almost every situation I encounter, forgiveness is a big part of the growth and healing process. Maybe it is a spouse who is unwilling to extend forgiveness. A child who is angry at her parents divorce, or an individual bitter at a business partners shoddy practices. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is almost always a big part of the healing process.

Life would be much easier if we did not have to accept or extend forgiveness, but the reality is forgiveness must be extended and accepted for relationships to flourish as God intended. Whether it is a simple, “I’m sorry” or a complex process that requires time and serious contemplation, forgiveness must be extended and accepted. It is not easy, in fact, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply could be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is essential! Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us of our need to extend forgiveness:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven).”

There are a plethora of reasons why people balk at the idea of forgiveness, but forgiveness is deathly important in God’s eye’s. If you don’t think so check out Matthew 6:14-15…

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

If that is not serious I don’t know what is! Therefore, over the next several weeks I am going to explore the subject of forgiveness. I am going to write about such topics as:

-What is Forgiveness; What is not Forgiveness?

- The Importance of Forgiveness

- How you can Forgive those who have hurt you the most

- Forgiving Yourself

I hope that you will find these upcoming posts helpful for your life as you daily get the opportunity to both accept and extend forgiveness.

A Challenge For Dad's

If you are a Dad and are interested in leaving a legacy then you must check out the latest radio broadcast from Family Life today. The broadcast highlights the ministry of Greg Vaughn, award-winning film producer and founder of "Letters From Dad". His book, Letters From Dad, asks a simple, yet challenging question... If you were to die today, what would your children hold in their hands tomorrow that would let them know they were the treasures of your life? Every Dad needs to check out this radio broadcast. You can find it by clicking here. The broadcast date is January 8, 2007.