FOSTERING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Every couple longs to be close to each other. No couple sets out on their wedding day with hopes of their spouse simply functioning as a roommate. However, many couples eventually find themselves in a marriage which resembles nothing more than two people living as roommates. It is clear in Scripture that God desires more for your marriage and you must as well. Genesis 2:24 states: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh. This is God’s purpose statement for marriage and it is oozing with intimacy. It is clear God has designed marriage to be a place of intimacy, togetherness and love. The distressing reality, however, is that couples everywhere are settling for roommates rather than spouses. Nowhere is this greater than within the Christian community. Often Christian couples see divorce as a non-option due to their religious beliefs, and while I am not advocating divorce as an option, I believe that a couple who resigns themselves to a frat house marriage, as I like to call it, is missing the mark just as much as a couple who sees divorce as an option. In this article I am going to look briefly at how to begin fostering intimacy in your marriage.

Imagine your marriage as a three legged stool. If any one of the legs becomes weak or breaks the stool cannot function properly. You marriage is much like this three legged stool. Without growth and intimacy in your spiritual, emotional and physical relationship your marriage will eventually crumble and fall. Often couples come to me who are floundering in their marriage. They have all sorts of hypothesis’ as to why their marriage is in a desperate state, but often it comes back to the fact that there has not been any fostering of spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy. When this happens your relationship reverts to auto-pilot and while auto-pilot may be good for pilots it is never good for marriages. All marriages have the tendency to revert to auto-pilot. When this occurs the marriage develops patterns that are high in risk and low in intimacy and enrichment. This is a natural progression due to our sin nature, yet couples can circumvent this natural progression. Doing this requires conscious, daily choices, and these choices come as a result of daily dependence on the Holy Spirit

Often couples ask me, after I have explained the importance of this three-fold focus, where they should start. While I recommend starting with the spiritual, it is important to understand that these three areas do not function independently of each other. It is crucial that you focus on all three areas and learn ways to practically grow intimacy in each of these areas. You cannot overload one area and neglect another. Each is important. It requires hard work, discipline and time, but intimacy can be achieved. Over the next three weeks I will practically look at each of these areas and offer suggestions as to how you and your spouse can grow the intimacy in your marriage. For now, I want to encourage you. You may feel that your marriage is at a place where the best you can ever hope for is a peaceful roommate type relationship. You do not have to settle for that, and while it may be that your marriage needs the extra attention of a marriage counselor, consciously focusing on building intimacy in these three key areas will grow your marriage. Over the next three weeks you will learn how to practically make that happen in your marriage. Be encouraged!

THE IMPORTANCE OF A GREAT ESCAPE

When was the last time you and your spouse had a romantic getaway? I am talking about an overnight trip without the kids and without distractions. It could be somewhere near or far, expensive or not, but it is clearly a time for you and your spouse to recharge your batteries and invest in your marriage. In this article, the first in a series on building intimacy in your marriage, we are going to look at the importance of great escapes- as I like to call them- and how you can plan them without breaking the bank.

A CALL FOR GREAT ESCAPES

I often ask couples who come to see me about the last time they had a romantic weekend together- just the two of them. It might seem like an inconsequential question, but I have found that their answer provides me with a quick glimpse of the overall intimacy of their marriage. While the old adage “families who pray together stay together” rings true, I have found a new adage that is just as true. “Couples who escape together remain together”. With all that life throws our way it is vital to set aside specific time to invest in your marriage.

Weekend retreats allow time for quality communication in the midst of our hectic family lives. They serve as a sanctuary and can recharge your collective battery like no other tool I know. These retreats allow for in-depth communication, quality time, physical connectedness and rest. Four things any marriage must have to survive. Without a doubt, time alone-whether one night or one week- is one of the greatest catalysts to sustaining the intimacy any marriage needs to thrive.

HOW TO MAKE A GREAT ESCAPE A GREAT REALITY

You might be saying, “All that sounds great, but we have two kids, limited time and no money for a weekend away.” While I sympathize with your circumstances, you cannot allow them (circumstances) to erode the intimacy in your marriage. Here are some simple yet proven strategies for how you can make a great escape a great reality.

1. If your children’s grand-parents are not available to watch the children for a weekend see about making a deal with a close couple friend. When my wife and I lived 1200 miles from any family we would often offer to baby-sit a friend’s child in exchange for a free night for us. This worked out wonderfully for us, and while it might be unreasonable to leave your kids for a week to go enjoy the Bahamas, a co-op deal like this does work wonders for a date night or a one night quick getaway. We found that once we initiated the idea other couples were eager (to say the least) to get in on the free babysitting. Don’t be afraid to ask, your friends need a great escape as much as you do.

2. While there are some reasons which may be reasonable as to why you don’t get away with your spouse not having enough time is not one of them. A wise man once said “Procrastination is the thief of time.” While it might be true that you are busy, a little forethought is all it takes to plan a weekend away. The problem is not that you do not have enough time; the problem is that you do not plan your time. I challenge you tonight to sit down with your spouse- after the kids are in bed- get a calendar out and plan a weekend for just the two of you. Don’t wait for a free weekend; those don’t happen. Plan a weekend!

3. Not having enough money is a real problem. When the bills are due and there is no money left to pay them the last thing on your mind is setting aside a few extra dollars for a weekend of fun. While there are legitimate expenses that eat up much of our monthly budget, for the overwhelming majority of Americans all it takes is a little money management for dollars to be freed up for great escapes. If you find yourself unable to find the money you need consider revisiting your budget. If you do not have a budget then you must get one! While this may not seem like a fun task, it might just save your marriage, and make you feel like you got a pay raise. If you do not know where to start in this process, I am able to help.

Secondly, while getting away for a weekend can be done with extravagance and expense it certainly does not have to be. Many times while my wife and I were in graduate school (i.e. poor) we took advantage of great deals. One such time I remember both of us were home early on a Friday afternoon. We were discussing our weekend plans, which seemed rather blah and I made the suggestion of getting away for a night. My wife, thinking I was loosing it again, objected, but I persisted. I quickly jumped online, got on priceline and requested a four star hotel for $25.00. The next thing we knew we were packing our bags to spend the night one block away from our apartment at a 4 star hotel. It was one of the most fun, relaxing and re-energizing times of our marriage. Just getting out of the ordinary was wonderful for building intimacy in our marriage.

Living in a smaller city may not provide you with the same opportunities for great deals a big city affords, but there are many bigger cities not far away from most small towns which offer these deals. Give priceline a try when planning a quick getaway. There are deals to be found.

Admittedly, when children enter the picture these spur of the moment opportunities become nearly impossible, but that does not mean that great escapes become a thing of the past. Sure it takes a little more planning and preparation, but they can still be done, and if you’re a little extra creative they can still be done while keeping it a surprise (be careful with that though, some moms don’t like leaving their child without a little preparation.)

My wife and I like to getaway at least four times a year. Some are more extravagant than others, but what makes it work is that we plan it in advance and set aside a little money each month so that when the trip comes we do not spend months paying it off.

There is one more issue which must be discussed. There are many couples reading this who are scared at the thought of having to spend an entire weekend away from the kids and alone with their spouse. Thoughts such as “What will we talk about” or “We will just end up fighting” are real thoughts for many couples. If you have read this article and find yourself with these thoughts I encourage you to seek marriage counseling. This is a sign that the intimacy and connectedness of your marriage is at a dangerously low point. Your marriage can improve, but remaining on auto-pilot is not the way to improve it.

Check back next week as we continue to explore ways to grow intimacy in marriage.