FOSTERING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Every couple longs to be close to each other. No couple sets out on their wedding day with hopes of their spouse simply functioning as a roommate. However, many couples eventually find themselves in a marriage which resembles nothing more than two people living as roommates. It is clear in Scripture that God desires more for your marriage and you must as well. Genesis 2:24 states: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh. This is God’s purpose statement for marriage and it is oozing with intimacy. It is clear God has designed marriage to be a place of intimacy, togetherness and love. The distressing reality, however, is that couples everywhere are settling for roommates rather than spouses. Nowhere is this greater than within the Christian community. Often Christian couples see divorce as a non-option due to their religious beliefs, and while I am not advocating divorce as an option, I believe that a couple who resigns themselves to a frat house marriage, as I like to call it, is missing the mark just as much as a couple who sees divorce as an option. In this article I am going to look briefly at how to begin fostering intimacy in your marriage.

Imagine your marriage as a three legged stool. If any one of the legs becomes weak or breaks the stool cannot function properly. You marriage is much like this three legged stool. Without growth and intimacy in your spiritual, emotional and physical relationship your marriage will eventually crumble and fall. Often couples come to me who are floundering in their marriage. They have all sorts of hypothesis’ as to why their marriage is in a desperate state, but often it comes back to the fact that there has not been any fostering of spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy. When this happens your relationship reverts to auto-pilot and while auto-pilot may be good for pilots it is never good for marriages. All marriages have the tendency to revert to auto-pilot. When this occurs the marriage develops patterns that are high in risk and low in intimacy and enrichment. This is a natural progression due to our sin nature, yet couples can circumvent this natural progression. Doing this requires conscious, daily choices, and these choices come as a result of daily dependence on the Holy Spirit

Often couples ask me, after I have explained the importance of this three-fold focus, where they should start. While I recommend starting with the spiritual, it is important to understand that these three areas do not function independently of each other. It is crucial that you focus on all three areas and learn ways to practically grow intimacy in each of these areas. You cannot overload one area and neglect another. Each is important. It requires hard work, discipline and time, but intimacy can be achieved. Over the next three weeks I will practically look at each of these areas and offer suggestions as to how you and your spouse can grow the intimacy in your marriage. For now, I want to encourage you. You may feel that your marriage is at a place where the best you can ever hope for is a peaceful roommate type relationship. You do not have to settle for that, and while it may be that your marriage needs the extra attention of a marriage counselor, consciously focusing on building intimacy in these three key areas will grow your marriage. Over the next three weeks you will learn how to practically make that happen in your marriage. Be encouraged!