God wants you to have FANTASTIC sex! When I tell this to couple's sitting in my office I get a wide range of looks. The looks vary from looks of horror, "You can't say that about God", to one spouse elbowing the other saying "I TOLD YOU!" While there are boundaries to this truth- it must not be outside of marriage and it must not be abusive or manipulative-the statement is true. God created sex and He created it not only for the propagation of the human race but also for you to enjoy immensely. So why are there so few marriages where great sex is the norm? Let's take a look at three guidelines that will enhance your sexual pleasure in marriage.
Let's face it we live in a busy world, and busyness is often the thief of a great sexual experience. In a survey of 2000 Christian women the number one sexual issue was not desire, but "finding the energy for sex". That is a direct result of the busy lives we lead. While it may not be "sexy" the reality is that most of us today must have some form of planning involved to have great sex. We plan how we spend our time, energy and money in other areas but for some reason we are afraid of planning sex. If you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is less and less frequent consider planning your time a little more appropriately.
To be able to plan well a key component must be present... a willingness to talk about sex. This leads me to my second point. You must communicate your desire with a heart of patience, understanding, and selflessness. There are two keys to that statement. One is communication. Often one partner desires and needs sexual intercourse more frequently than the other (and no, it is not always the man who desires sex more). Many times the partner who desires sex more frequently sits in silence until one afternoon he erupts and becomes frustrated because he feels his spouse does not get him sexually. I often see couples who have been having these "sex fights" for many years. They come in defeated with their marriage hanging by a thread. If this is you know that a little communication goes a long way to creating a more intimate marriage. Simply stating, in an appropriate manner, your desire and needs will typically elicit a caring response from your spouse. The response may not be immediate, but unless there are deeper issues at play your spouse will desire to love you in that way. Additionally, you must have a heart of patience, understanding, and selflessness. Your needs are not your spouses needs and if you are always frustrated and show agitation when it comes to your sexual relationship it does not make it enjoyable or desirable for your spouse. Have clear, mature discussions about the specific desires each of you have and then commit to Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."
Husbands, do not expect to show up from a busy day of work, sit in front of the TV for a couple of hours and walk into the bedroom for an evening sexual encounter. You must understand that when you come home from work your day is not ending. In many ways it is just beginning. Serve your spouse (bathe the kids, do the dishes), with an attitude of selflessness, and positive sexual experiences will follow.
Wives, do not expect your husbands to constantly hear criticism from you and then desire to be intimate with you. Men, contrary to popular belief, do have feelings. If they are constantly belittled and ridiculed they are not going to desire sexual intimacy.
There are some of you who are reading this article saying: "I am communicating my desires and I am serving my spouse as best as I can and it is still not working. Our sex life is non-existent. " If this is you then I encourage you to consider counseling. There may be medical issues present or deeper marriage issues that must be worked through. For many it is initially intimidating to seek counsel over sexual issues in marriage, however it is crucial. God designed marriage to include sex...great sex, and it would be a shame if you allowed obstacles to get in the way of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage.
F. Reeves Cannon, III. M.A., LPC, BCPCC
- Reeves Cannon
- Florence, SC, United States
- Reeves Cannon is a board certified Professional Counselor (LPC). He graduated with honors from Dallas Theological Seminary with a Master of Arts degree in Biblical Counseling. Reeves received his undergraduate degree from Columbia International University in Youth Ministry. He is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and a board certified Professional Christian counselor with the International Board of Christian Counselors (BCPCC). Reeves is a certified administrator of PREPARE-ENRICH, a pre-marital and marriage assessment tool for counselors and clergy. Prepare/Enrich is the most widely used premarital counseling tool in the United States today. Reeves also travels around the southeast as a seminar speaker for Walk Thru the Bible Ministries. The subject of personality, relationships, and team building are the focus of those seminars. Reeves is the Director of Counseling at the church at Sandhurst in Florence, SC. The purpose of the counseling center is to provide Biblically centered professional counsel to individuals, couples and families in Florence and the surrounding area so that God may be glorified and lives transformed.