One of the most difficult challenges any young couple faces is how to balance creating new family traditions with the traditions their family of origin established during their childhood years. There is a delicate balance to keep, unique to each couple, and the potential for conflict is enormous if the young couple is not prepared.
1. Communicate with your spouse
Most young couples fail to recognize the issues which present themselves during the Christmas season. Both may assume that it is their (former) family which they will spend the day with, and only a few days before Christmas does the issue present itself. It is imperative to discuss your plans many weeks in advance and to come to an agreed upon plan for how you will balance the Christmas season with the extended families.
2. Communicate your plans in advance.
Once you and your spouse have agreed upon a suitable plan, communicate it to the other extended family members. It is never a good idea to call the mother-in-law Christmas morning to tell her that her "baby"...your husband... will not be sharing the day with them. This only creates more tension to an already potentially stressful season.
3. Remember, you are a unique couple.
Another area where young couples get themselves into trouble is by thinking they have to have the same plans as their siblings. You are a unique couple. Your needs and your desires will not be the same as that of your siblings. Just because one sibling plans to spend the day one way does not mean that you must fall in line.
4. Recognize your new allegiance.
Genesis
5. Take small steps.
You may not know, as a young couple, what type of boundaries you need to establish. Don't bite off too much the first Christmas. Communicate clearly with your spouse, set some reasonable expectations and reevaluate shortly after the season. Maybe you will find that you did not allow for enough extended family time, or maybe it was too much. You and your spouse can decide that, but don't fret about getting it perfect the first time. Take small steps. Also, as your life changes so will your desires for extended family time. As children enter the picture you may want more or less family time. That is OK; just make sure that everyone is on the same page...well before it is time to show up with the sweet potatoes for Christmas dinner.
6. Evaluate your motives.
Once you have come up with the game plan, you must evaluate your motives. Why did you establish the boundaries you did? Are the motives pure or is it one more way to stick it that mother-in-law who always has something to say. Make sure that your plans are justifiable before a righteous God.
A Unique Reminder
There are as many family types as there are people. Each family is unique. You have some families that are enmeshed (into everyone's business), and some who are disengaged (What, Johnny has cancer? No one told me!). You have blended families and step-families. Each extended family presents unique strengths and areas of growth. You may deal with none of the issues described or you may be soaking up every word just so you can make it through this "dreadful" time of year. No matter where you find yourself, I encourage you to take time to pray for your families. Remember, they are a gift from God!
