"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:”
- Philippians 2:3-5
It is in this verse we find one of the most difficult commands in all of Scripture -- a call to selflessness. Paul does not mince his words when he writes, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, how we are to live and act. We are to think of others needs and desires before we think of our own. Ouch, I guess it's not all about me!
Perhaps there is no place more difficult to daily flesh out this command than in a marriage relationship. Sure, the first year or two most couples can give themselves a passing score in the area of selflessness, but eventually there comes a time when every couple stops operating in fantasy land and begins living in reality. It is at this time that husbands and wives find themselves with a choice…. Self or Spouse?
How the couple answers this question determines the quality of their relationship. The pull is towards self, after all we are human; but joy and victory wait for those who choose selflessness out of pure motives. Unfortunately, for the couple who constantly chooses self over spouse disaster awaits. For a time, the couple may survive by reminiscing about the fantasy years, but eventually the fantasy years fade into memory and the selfish decisions/thoughts rise and remain uppermost in the mind. When this occurs, resentment, anger, jealousy, pride and more selfishness enters the relationship.
Unless the couple gets help to redirect their marriage, one of two things will happen. One, the couple will continue to live a selfish life growing further and further apart until they reach the point where they are simply two people living as roommates. At this time, the marriage has become nothing but an empty shell. It is being held together to “save face,” for convenience or for the children, but certainly not because of love and contentment. Who would want this? The second outcome or option is not any better. For the couples who can’t make it as roommates, divorce is often the result! Either one or both partners say, “That’s it! I have had enough, I’m OUT!” I believe it is safe to say that none of us married with the intention to end up with these two bleak choices awaiting us.
Whether you find yourself many miles down the road of selfish decisions or you feel that selfishness only creeps into your marriage ever so often, it is important to consider the following practical advice to help prevent a selfish attitude from invading your marriage.
1. How do I make selfless decisions when I feel unloved?
To be honest, this is difficult. I wish I could give you an easy formula which would challenge your spouse towards the same selfless attitude you know you need towards him/her. Unfortunately, there is no such formula. In fact, the closest thing to a formula is your holding firmly to a godly commitment to unselfishness despite your spouse’s continued selfish actions. Be careful, however, if your motive does not spring forth from a love for God and a desire to honor Him your selfless efforts will not produce lasting fruit.
Consider Philippians 2:5. God has not called us to a standard He Himself does not keep. He calls us to the same standard as our Lord. “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” This is one of the attributes of Jesus I find so appealing, He does not expect us to live above the standard which He Himself lived. Read Philippians 2:5-11. If anyone had the RIGHT to live selfishly, it was Christ, yet despite His right He chose selflessness. We must as well! When it is difficult to choose selflessness, reflect on Christ’s selflessness towards you (Matthew 26:36-45).
2. Why should I put my spouse’s interests above my own?
It would be nice if God called us to a life of ease and comfort, but He did not! He called us to live a life of holiness (1 Thessalonians 4:7). We read in Ephesians 5:22-33 how Husbands and Wives are to act towards each other. Chiefly, the wife is to submit to her husband -- (i.e. to support). The husband is commanded to love as Christ loved (i.e. too seek the highest good for the spouse). In both of these commands there is clearly room for selflessness. Neither command is predicated upon the other spouse fulfilling their end. Therefore, we must live a selfless life because we are commanded to do so. Secondly, did Christ not love us despite our hatred (sin) towards Him? What better way to model a Christ-like attitude than to live like Christ! Lastly, remind yourself that your reward is in Heaven (Matthew 6:19-24). Why become stubborn and selfish when there is no fruit born out of that attitude? Abundant blessings wait for those who serve and love Him! Remember, as you show small, generous acts of love and selflessness in your marriage, as Christ does for us, your marriage will improve!
3. Make your marriage a Priority.
You may be saying, “Reeves, both of us want this selfless attitude, but we are just too worn out to give to each other.” This might be the most common situation facing couples in the United States today. After all, no one gets married and intentionally makes choices to ruin their marriage. However, if you find yourself in this situation you must act quickly and decisively! Your marriage is hanging in the balance. This is a dangerous road, and it leads to the two disastrous choices I mentioned above. Yes, times are hectic! Kids these days seem to have more activities, appointments and games in a day than Ronald Reagan faced during a normal day in office. I understand and sympathize with the plight you are in, but for the sake of your marriage you must prioritize in a way so that you have the energy to serve your spouse.
As I close, let me leave you with a challenge. Maybe you find yourself aware of the issue, but lost as to where to start. Let me challenge you with this. Start small. You are not going to “right the ship” overnight. You must daily, with small intentional choices choose to serve your spouse, and in turn Honor Christ. I challenge you to sit down with him or her tonight and discuss one or two ways each of you can put Philippians 2:3-5 into practice. Maybe you can help bathe the kids, or do the dishes. Maybe you need to have the house picked up when your husband walks in the door. Maybe cooking a dinner once in a while would be of service to your spouse. The issues are different for each couple, yet the challenge is the same. Communicate so that you know what to do and then love God and your spouse enough to follow through. Intentionally make “we” decisions instead of “me” decisions.
F. Reeves Cannon, III. M.A., LPC, BCPCC
- Reeves Cannon
- Florence, SC, United States
- Reeves Cannon is a board certified Professional Counselor (LPC). He graduated with honors from Dallas Theological Seminary with a Master of Arts degree in Biblical Counseling. Reeves received his undergraduate degree from Columbia International University in Youth Ministry. He is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and a board certified Professional Christian counselor with the International Board of Christian Counselors (BCPCC). Reeves is a certified administrator of PREPARE-ENRICH, a pre-marital and marriage assessment tool for counselors and clergy. Prepare/Enrich is the most widely used premarital counseling tool in the United States today. Reeves also travels around the southeast as a seminar speaker for Walk Thru the Bible Ministries. The subject of personality, relationships, and team building are the focus of those seminars. Reeves is the Director of Counseling at the church at Sandhurst in Florence, SC. The purpose of the counseling center is to provide Biblically centered professional counsel to individuals, couples and families in Florence and the surrounding area so that God may be glorified and lives transformed.