THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS

It has been mentioned in previous articles that forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is difficult, and while that is true, the importance of forgiveness is vast. Satan does a masterful job of twisting the importance of forgiveness in ones mind. Often, the one who has been hurt and needs to extend forgiveness has a difficult time coming to terms with the need to forgive. Hurt and pain have a way of making the person feel as if forgiving the one who offended them is a sign of weakness and surrender. As a result, often forgiveness is not extended. The result of this has enormous consequences for the person in need of extending forgiveness. The failure to forgive extends into all areas of a persons life- spiritual, emotional, and physical. In this article we will examine the importance of forgiveness in each of these areas.

No aspect of ones life is more greatly affected by un-forgiveness than ones spiritual life. Scripture teaches us that the failure to forgive someone can have eternal impact. Matthew 6:14-15 states “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is a strong statement that provides much insight into the importance God places on forgiveness. This verse teaches that we must have our horizontal (person to person) relationships right before our vertical relationship (God to man) can be. All of us have experienced the effects of what un-forgiveness does to our walk with the Lord. Failure to extend forgiveness leads us down a path of stagnation. No longer do we desire to commune with God. We feel shame and guilt and Satan does his best work during these seasons of life. If an unforgiving heart goes unchecked there will be an endless supply of anger, hostility and bitterness. These emotions do not correlate with a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Simply put, failure to forgive someone has enormous implications in relation to our walk with God. If you fail to extend forgiveness it is not the one who offended you who suffers, but rather you are continuing to let the offender win by refusing to forgive as God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).

Just as our Spiritual life suffers when we fail to extend forgiveness our emotions take a hit as well. This is why Ephesians 4:31-32 states “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Have you ever considered the effects un-forgiveness has on your emotions? It is as if the failure to extend forgiveness, while you want it to negatively affect the one who offended you, only causes you greater turmoil. This has been proven scientifically. Studies have shown that failure to forgive leads to anger, hate, revenge, misguided justice, depression and anxiety. While I am not a rocket scientist I do not believe anyone desires to experience these emotions, but recent scientific research on forgiveness clearly shows that a failure to forgive leads to these emotions and disorders.1 However, long before scientist and psychologist caught on to the fact that un-forgiveness plays a part in ones mental health Scripture taught us this. Ephesians 4:31-32 clearly draws a link between un-forgiveness and bitterness rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every other form of malice. Again, it is clear, if you want to experience emotional health, you must be willing to extend forgiveness when someone sins against you.

Just as there are definite spiritual and emotional consequences to un-forgiveness there also exists a physical consequence. While forgiveness research is only an emerging field of scientific study, there have been several studies which detail the positive effects forgiveness has on ones physical makeup. Studies have concluded that forgiveness has a correlation with reducing heart disease, as well as other physical ailments.2, 3 You may have never thought about it in these terms, but what this research proves is that your unwillingness to extend forgiveness could very well lead to an early death!

As you can see, forgiveness plays a vital role in your overall health. Choosing to forgive someone is not simply a small choice that has little ripple effect. The choice to forgive someone is of enormous importance. Its effects extend across your life- from your spiritual condition to potentially determining the number of years you live. Forgiveness must not be taken lightly.

Family Life Today Program this week

One of my favorite Bible Teachers is being featured on the Family Life Radio program this week. Tommy Nelson is probably most well known for his study on the Song of Solomon. This study is a practical study of romance and marital love as God intended. I have had the opportunity to go to one of his Song of Solomon Conferences, as well as do his study on the book of Ecclesiastes. Both are excellent and both can be purchased for your own personal study (click on the Tommy Nelson link to the right). This week on the radio program Tommy will be speaking on the subject of Song of Solomon and Romance. I encourage all of you, married and single, to listen to the series this week. I can promise you it will not be a waste of your time. You can listen online by clicking on the Family Life link to the right.

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS; WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS?

Matthew 18:21-35 is a key passage when seeking an understanding of forgiveness. It is in this passage, often termed “The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” where we learn so much about Biblical Forgiveness. The passage details a king who desires to settle his accounts. The king goes to one man who owes him millions of dollars. When the man is unable to pay the debt the king responds by having pity on him and canceling the debt. It is in this story that Jesus teaches us so much about forgiveness.

Timothy Lane, author of the booklet Forgiving Others- Joining Wisdom and Love, defines forgiveness this way. “Forgiveness is an act of compassion; love expressed when you are sinned against.” He goes on to include five characteristics of Biblical forgiveness which flow from Matthew 18:21-35.

1. Forgiveness Cancels a Debt.

It is important to note the word cancels. Notice it does not say that forgiveness ignores a debt. Many people understand forgiveness to mean that you must ignore or forget that an offense was ever done to you. Biblical forgiveness never speaks of forgiveness in these terms. Someone must always “pay” for the offense. Either the person who offended you must seek to repay the offense, or you, the offended, must extend forgiveness and absorb the pain and suffering caused by the offense.

It is important to think back to your own salvation experience. Each of us is indebted, because of our sin, to God. We are all sinners and in need of forgiveness. God, through Jesus Christ, modeled forgiveness to you when He sent His only Son to pay your debt for you. When you accepted the forgiveness of your sins through Jesus Christ your sin debt was cancelled. It was not forgotten or ignored. Someone… Jesus Christ… paid your debt. We must do the same when we are sinned against. We do not ignore the sin; rather we bear the pain of the sin ourselves. This is forgiveness.

Timothy Lane gives an excellent illustration of this point. He writes: “Suppose you borrow my wheelbarrow. When you return it, the wheel is flat. I can make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We cannot pretend that the wheelbarrow is not broken. We can’t minimize its brokenness. If I choose to pay for it myself, I have “forgiven” you your debt; it is cancelled. The person who forgives no longer expects to be repaid for what he has suffered.”

2. Forgiveness is a Three-Fold Promise

Understanding forgiveness as canceling a debt someone owes you requires you to make a three-fold promise.

1. “I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.” The last statement of this phrase is essential… “use it against you.” You cannot cancel a debt and then hold it against someone. Those are opposite actions. One action says you no longer owe me for the debt you incurred, while the other action is saying you still owe me! Only when reconciliation is at issue should the forgiver bring up the offense.

2. “I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.”

3. “I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on this offense.”

Admittedly, what is required of you, the forgiver, is difficult. In fact, it may seem impossible, however, it is essential and it is certainly attainable through Christ (Ephesians 3:20). It is also important to remember that when you fail to forgive you are really only hurting yourself and your relationship with God. It feels as though in some way you are enacting justice on the person who has hurt you, but really you are only remaining in a state of anger and bitterness which continually causes you to dwell on the offense. There is true joy and peace at the end of forgiveness. You do not have to hold on to the offense. It is not your place to enact justice on the one who has offended you. Forgive and experience the joy and peace which is found when true forgiveness is extended.

3. Forgiveness is an Event and a Process

This is an important point to remember. We are not super-humans. Forgiveness is certainly an event. You choose at a specific time and place to say, “I forgive you.” However, there will be times when the hurt, pain and anger invade as an unwelcome guest. Seemingly out of nowhere, your mind will turn to the offense and it will be all you can do to clear your thoughts from the hurt and anger. It is at this time that you must remember the three-fold promise you made when you first chose to forgive. Over time, as you continue to defeat Satan, the pain and hurt of the offense will lessen and the events will enter your mind less and less until you can no longer recall them.

4. Forgiveness is not Forgetting

We have already touched on this point. This is probably the most misunderstood point about forgiveness. Again, let me turn to the words of Timothy Lane: “Many people cite Jeremiah 31:34 and conclude that since God forgets my sins when he forgives me, I must forget the sins that others have committed against me. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” But the omniscient God does not have amnesia when it comes to our sins. The word “remember” in this passage does not refer to memory, but to covenant. A covenant is a promise. When God forgives our sins, he does not forget them. Rather, he makes a promise not to treat you as your sins deserve. He chooses to absorb the cost himself in the persona and work of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.”

5. Forgiveness is not Peace at All Costs

The Bible calls us to hold each other to high standards (Matthew 18:15-19). We are not to become a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. While we are commanded to forgive, it may be unwise for us to welcome certain people back into our lives. While you must forgive a husband who abuses you, or a wife who cannot control her alcohol consumption, inviting them back into your home and your life is different than forgiving them.

Hopefully, you have found this to be informative and challenging. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential. As I close remember Matthew 6:14-15…

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Check back next week as I will look into the subject of the Importance of Forgiveness.

If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness I encourage you to check out the book by Timothy S. Lane. Forgiving Others Joining Wisdom and Love. You can order it by clicking here.

Exploring Forgiveness

Often people ask me, “What is the biggest issue you encounter in the counseling office?” Without hesitation I am able to say the need to accept or extend forgiveness. In almost every situation I encounter, forgiveness is a big part of the growth and healing process. Maybe it is a spouse who is unwilling to extend forgiveness. A child who is angry at her parents divorce, or an individual bitter at a business partners shoddy practices. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is almost always a big part of the healing process.

Life would be much easier if we did not have to accept or extend forgiveness, but the reality is forgiveness must be extended and accepted for relationships to flourish as God intended. Whether it is a simple, “I’m sorry” or a complex process that requires time and serious contemplation, forgiveness must be extended and accepted. It is not easy, in fact, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply could be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is essential! Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us of our need to extend forgiveness:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven).”

There are a plethora of reasons why people balk at the idea of forgiveness, but forgiveness is deathly important in God’s eye’s. If you don’t think so check out Matthew 6:14-15…

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

If that is not serious I don’t know what is! Therefore, over the next several weeks I am going to explore the subject of forgiveness. I am going to write about such topics as:

-What is Forgiveness; What is not Forgiveness?

- The Importance of Forgiveness

- How you can Forgive those who have hurt you the most

- Forgiving Yourself

I hope that you will find these upcoming posts helpful for your life as you daily get the opportunity to both accept and extend forgiveness.

A Challenge For Dad's

If you are a Dad and are interested in leaving a legacy then you must check out the latest radio broadcast from Family Life today. The broadcast highlights the ministry of Greg Vaughn, award-winning film producer and founder of "Letters From Dad". His book, Letters From Dad, asks a simple, yet challenging question... If you were to die today, what would your children hold in their hands tomorrow that would let them know they were the treasures of your life? Every Dad needs to check out this radio broadcast. You can find it by clicking here. The broadcast date is January 8, 2007.

Teaching Sex to your Pre-Teen and Young Adolescent

Once again I want to highlight a Focus on the Family broadcast. They are broadcasting a two-part series on Sexual Purity. The title of the broadcast is "Teaching Girls the Truth About Modesty and Purity". If you are a parent I highly encourage you to listen to this two part series. It will provide you with a picture of the world your child is living in today. It will also give you ideas on how to approach your child about the subject of sexual purity. While the subject is focused more towards Females, I encourage you, regardless of the gender of your child, to check out this program.
Sadly, the facts, as mentioned in the FOF program report that at least 50% of children ages 11-18 are engaging in Oral Sex (US NEWS and World Report- 2004). This is a real problem today...even in Florence, SC!!!!!
As a youth Pastor (four years ago) I recall asking two 8th grade students how many kids in their Florence, SC school were sexually active. They looked at me for a moment and then stated they knew of 5-6 8th graders who were sexually active. I then asked a second question. "Does that include those who are having oral sex?" Without hesitation, they laughed, looked at me and said, "I didn't know you meant oral sex also. There's a lot more doing that!" The reality is Oral Sex is a rampant problem in the youth culture today, especially among Christian students. As is mentioned on the FOF broadcast, Oral Sex has been dubbed in many communities as "Christian Sex".
To check out the broadcast please click here. The Broadcast dates are Monday December 18th and Tuesday December 19th. The title of the Broadcast is "Teaching Girls the Truth About Modesty and Purity".
You may also want to check out the book Teaching True Love to a Sex at 13 Generation. It is written by Eric and Leslie Ludy.

HOPE FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

For many the Christmas season is filled with a renewed time of fellowship with family and friends. It is a time where relationships are strengthened and joy and hope fill the air. Many look upon the Christmas season with anticipation and jubilant excitement!

However, there are also many who struggle through this time of year. It may be the difficulty of having lost a loved one. Not knowing how to cope, or even if you will be able to cope is a reality for those grieving the death of a loved one. For some, Christmas is a reminder of a painful past. Maybe you suffered through an abusive childhood and while other families are reuniting to celebrate the season you are dealing with the painful emotions that accompany family gatherings. For children and adolescents whose parents are divorced or separated Christmas often turns from excitement (past years) to a cold reality that mom and dad are no longer together, and life (including Christmas) will never be the same. The excitement and happiness of the season is stolen and replaced with sadness, anger and bitterness.

While difficult circumstances are commonplace in a fallen world and they often overtake the best of people it is important to remind ourselves-especially those who find this season a struggle- of the HOPE that is in Christ Jesus. One of my favorite Scripture verses is 2 Corinthians 9:8. It states, “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” What a life changing verse this can be!! This verse teaches us that God’s grace is sufficient for every need. Whether it is a Christmas without a loved one, a difficult family situation or some other seemingly hopeless situation it is important to remember that God’s grace is sufficient.

If you find yourself struggling through this season, I encourage you to contemplate 2 Corinthians 9:8. While I do not know the circumstances which you find yourself in this season I do know that we serve a God who is able to make all grace abound to you at all times. As you walk through this Christmas season and into 2007 I encourage you to trust in the God who promises to give you the strength for every circumstance.

As I close let me leave you with Romans 15:13. May this verse be a reality for you during the Christmas season and throughout 2007.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

COMBATING A “ME FIRST” ATTITUDE DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

The Christmas season often poses a difficult challenge for the family that is interested in raising children of gratitude and selflessness. It is clear that we are living in the midst of a “ME FIRST” generation and teaching our children the beauty of giving and selflessness can be a difficult one, especially during the Christmas season. Everywhere you turn you are told that it is all about you! Retail stores everywhere are reminding us of the latest gadgets which we must have. The question for those who are interested in combating this attitude is this: “How do we find balance in the midst of the “I’ve got to have it generation?” While it is a difficult challenge, here are six ideas that should help.

1. Set limits on gift giving.

Before the stores start their marketing campaign to get you to buy the “must haves” of the season sit down with your spouse and define the limits your family will adhere too. It may be a certain dollar amount that you don’t want to go over, or it may be a certain number of items you feel are appropriate. Whatever the standard is for your family, set limits so that you don’t get caught up in the marketing blitz of the season—both from retail stores and your kids!

2. Sponsor a less fortunate family or child.

One great way to remind your children of the true meaning of the season is to sponsor a less fortunate family or child. It is a great idea to adopt a family with a child the same age as your child. Allow your child to pick out the items for the adopted child. This is fun for your child, and teaches them a valuable lesson.

3. Read the Christmas Story (Luke 2:1-20)

Don’t let Christmas day pass without reading from Luke 2- the birth of Jesus. Remind your children that it is Jesus’ birth we are celebrating today. This will once again allow them to shift their focus from their toys to Christ.

4. Volunteer to serve.

Maybe on Christmas day, or some time around the Christmas season volunteer to serve as a family. This is a great way to model to your children a selfless attitude. One of the most powerful teaching tools available to parents is that of a Godly example. If your child sees you giving up your wants and desires it will be much easier for them to do the same.

5. Donate old toys to a local shelter or needy child.

As your child receives a few new gifts during Christmas what a great time to donate a few toys he/she no longer enjoys playing with. Maybe you donate to a shelter or maybe it is just to another family in your church. As your child is old enough, allow him/her to actually hand the toy(s) over to the other child. What a powerful moment in a young child’s life when he selflessly hands over a toy of his to another child who can enjoy it!

6. Write Thank you notes to those who gave you gifts.

Grand-Parents, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins and many other family and friends will give your children gifts during this season. One of the greatest rewards for those who give a gift is to receive a genuine, hand-made thank you note from your child. This teaches your child the art of expressing and giving “thanks” and it let’s the gift-giver know of your appreciation.

*** Please Note: Some of the ideas listed are compiled from various sources which I have read over the years. Not all of the ideas are original to Reeves Cannon.

MONEY MONEY MONEY

One of my favorite people is Dave Ramsey! Dave is an award winning radio host and author. He writes on the subject of money management. I am naturally a guy who loves to balance his checkbook- I know -WEIRD- blame it on my dad, but Dave is a guy who knows and understands money management. He makes it FUN! Focus on the Family is highlighting a two part series they did with Dave. I encourage you to check out these two broadcasts and to also check out his daily radio show. To my knowledge, Florence does not have a station that carries his show, but you can listen to it free on his website at www.daveramsey.com.
You can check out the Focus on the Family radio brodcasts by clicking here.

MAKING “WE” DECISIONS INSTEAD OF “ME” DECISIONS

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:”
- Philippians 2:3-5

It is in this verse we find one of the most difficult commands in all of Scripture -- a call to selflessness. Paul does not mince his words when he writes, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, how we are to live and act. We are to think of others needs and desires before we think of our own. Ouch, I guess it's not all about me!
Perhaps there is no place more difficult to daily flesh out this command than in a marriage relationship. Sure, the first year or two most couples can give themselves a passing score in the area of selflessness, but eventually there comes a time when every couple stops operating in fantasy land and begins living in reality. It is at this time that husbands and wives find themselves with a choice…. Self or Spouse?
How the couple answers this question determines the quality of their relationship. The pull is towards self, after all we are human; but joy and victory wait for those who choose selflessness out of pure motives. Unfortunately, for the couple who constantly chooses self over spouse disaster awaits. For a time, the couple may survive by reminiscing about the fantasy years, but eventually the fantasy years fade into memory and the selfish decisions/thoughts rise and remain uppermost in the mind. When this occurs, resentment, anger, jealousy, pride and more selfishness enters the relationship.
Unless the couple gets help to redirect their marriage, one of two things will happen. One, the couple will continue to live a selfish life growing further and further apart until they reach the point where they are simply two people living as roommates. At this time, the marriage has become nothing but an empty shell. It is being held together to “save face,” for convenience or for the children, but certainly not because of love and contentment. Who would want this? The second outcome or option is not any better. For the couples who can’t make it as roommates, divorce is often the result! Either one or both partners say, “That’s it! I have had enough, I’m OUT!” I believe it is safe to say that none of us married with the intention to end up with these two bleak choices awaiting us.
Whether you find yourself many miles down the road of selfish decisions or you feel that selfishness only creeps into your marriage ever so often, it is important to consider the following practical advice to help prevent a selfish attitude from invading your marriage.

1. How do I make selfless decisions when I feel unloved?
To be honest, this is difficult. I wish I could give you an easy formula which would challenge your spouse towards the same selfless attitude you know you need towards him/her. Unfortunately, there is no such formula. In fact, the closest thing to a formula is your holding firmly to a godly commitment to unselfishness despite your spouse’s continued selfish actions. Be careful, however, if your motive does not spring forth from a love for God and a desire to honor Him your selfless efforts will not produce lasting fruit.
Consider Philippians 2:5. God has not called us to a standard He Himself does not keep. He calls us to the same standard as our Lord. “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” This is one of the attributes of Jesus I find so appealing, He does not expect us to live above the standard which He Himself lived. Read Philippians 2:5-11. If anyone had the RIGHT to live selfishly, it was Christ, yet despite His right He chose selflessness. We must as well! When it is difficult to choose selflessness, reflect on Christ’s selflessness towards you (Matthew 26:36-45).

2. Why should I put my spouse’s interests above my own?
It would be nice if God called us to a life of ease and comfort, but He did not! He called us to live a life of holiness (1 Thessalonians 4:7). We read in Ephesians 5:22-33 how Husbands and Wives are to act towards each other. Chiefly, the wife is to submit to her husband -- (i.e. to support). The husband is commanded to love as Christ loved (i.e. too seek the highest good for the spouse). In both of these commands there is clearly room for selflessness. Neither command is predicated upon the other spouse fulfilling their end. Therefore, we must live a selfless life because we are commanded to do so. Secondly, did Christ not love us despite our hatred (sin) towards Him? What better way to model a Christ-like attitude than to live like Christ! Lastly, remind yourself that your reward is in Heaven (Matthew 6:19-24). Why become stubborn and selfish when there is no fruit born out of that attitude? Abundant blessings wait for those who serve and love Him! Remember, as you show small, generous acts of love and selflessness in your marriage, as Christ does for us, your marriage will improve!

3. Make your marriage a Priority.
You may be saying, “Reeves, both of us want this selfless attitude, but we are just too worn out to give to each other.” This might be the most common situation facing couples in the United States today. After all, no one gets married and intentionally makes choices to ruin their marriage. However, if you find yourself in this situation you must act quickly and decisively! Your marriage is hanging in the balance. This is a dangerous road, and it leads to the two disastrous choices I mentioned above. Yes, times are hectic! Kids these days seem to have more activities, appointments and games in a day than Ronald Reagan faced during a normal day in office. I understand and sympathize with the plight you are in, but for the sake of your marriage you must prioritize in a way so that you have the energy to serve your spouse.

As I close, let me leave you with a challenge. Maybe you find yourself aware of the issue, but lost as to where to start. Let me challenge you with this. Start small. You are not going to “right the ship” overnight. You must daily, with small intentional choices choose to serve your spouse, and in turn Honor Christ. I challenge you to sit down with him or her tonight and discuss one or two ways each of you can put Philippians 2:3-5 into practice. Maybe you can help bathe the kids, or do the dishes. Maybe you need to have the house picked up when your husband walks in the door. Maybe cooking a dinner once in a while would be of service to your spouse. The issues are different for each couple, yet the challenge is the same. Communicate so that you know what to do and then love God and your spouse enough to follow through. Intentionally make “we” decisions instead of “me” decisions.

The Mother-in-Law / Daughter-in-Law Relationship

I posted yesterday about the delicate balance a young couple must have between the time they spend with their parents and siblings and the time they spend establishing new family traditions. During the Christmas season these issues only increase and therefore they need to be considered. Another interesting dynamic that needs to be considered is the Mother-in-law / Daughter-in-law relationship. The Focus on the Family broadcast has devoted the last two days of their daily broadcast to this subject. The guest for these two shows is Annie Chapman (singer and songwriter). She has recently written a book titled: The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? I have listened to the broadcasts the past two days and I recommend you click on the link if you believe this subject may be of benefit to you.
When you click on the Link you will need to find the appropriate broadcast. The dates for the broadcast are November 27, 2006 and November 28, 2006. The title of the broadcasts are: The Delicate Mother-in-Law Relationship, 1. and The Delicate Mother-in-Law Relationship, 2.
Enjoy!

EXTENDED FAMILIES AND THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

One of the most difficult challenges any young couple faces is how to balance creating new family traditions with the traditions their family of origin established during their childhood years. There is a delicate balance to keep, unique to each couple, and the potential for conflict is enormous if the young couple is not prepared.

As the Christmas season approaches these challenges only grow stronger. It is imperative, as a young couple, to communicate clearly so that when the Christmas season approaches you are already on the same page. If you find yourself in a position where these challenges await you here are six steps you can take to ensure a smooth Christmas season with both your new spouse and your new extended family.
1. Communicate with your spouse
Most young couples fail to recognize the issues which present themselves during the Christmas season. Both may assume that it is their (former) family which they will spend the day with, and only a few days before Christmas does the issue present itself. It is imperative to discuss your plans many weeks in advance and to come to an agreed upon plan for how you will balance the Christmas season with the extended families.
2. Communicate your plans in advance.
Once you and your spouse have agreed upon a suitable plan, communicate it to the other extended family members. It is never a good idea to call the mother-in-law Christmas morning to tell her that her "baby"...your husband... will not be sharing the day with them. This only creates more tension to an already potentially stressful season.
3. Remember, you are a unique couple.
Another area where young couples get themselves into trouble is by thinking they have to have the same plans as their siblings. You are a unique couple. Your needs and your desires will not be the same as that of your siblings. Just because one sibling plans to spend the day one way does not mean that you must fall in line.
4. Recognize your new allegiance.
Genesis 2:24 reminds us of God's purpose for marriage: "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." You are no longer under the authority of your parents. The day you said "I DO" is the day your allegiance shifted from your parents to your spouse. There will always be times in a young couple’s life where they feel their parents are "being thrown under the bus". The tendency will be to fight for their rights, but you must refuse that urge and fight for your marriage.
5. Take small steps.
You may not know, as a young couple, what type of boundaries you need to establish. Don't bite off too much the first Christmas. Communicate clearly with your spouse, set some reasonable expectations and reevaluate shortly after the season. Maybe you will find that you did not allow for enough extended family time, or maybe it was too much. You and your spouse can decide that, but don't fret about getting it perfect the first time. Take small steps. Also, as your life changes so will your desires for extended family time. As children enter the picture you may want more or less family time. That is OK; just make sure that everyone is on the same page...well before it is time to show up with the sweet potatoes for Christmas dinner.
6. Evaluate your motives.
Once you have come up with the game plan, you must evaluate your motives. Why did you establish the boundaries you did? Are the motives pure or is it one more way to stick it that mother-in-law who always has something to say. Make sure that your plans are justifiable before a righteous God.

A Unique Reminder
There are as many family types as there are people. Each family is unique. You have some families that are enmeshed (into everyone's business), and some who are disengaged (What, Johnny has cancer? No one told me!). You have blended families and step-families. Each extended family presents unique strengths and areas of growth. You may deal with none of the issues described or you may be soaking up every word just so you can make it through this "dreadful" time of year. No matter where you find yourself, I encourage you to take time to pray for your families. Remember, they are a gift from God!

WHAT IS CHRISTIAN COUNSELING AND HOW DO I KNOW I AM GETTING COUNSEL FROM A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR?

While on the surface the term “Christian Counseling” seems self explanatory, the truth is that there is much debate about what is Christian counseling. This is a debate both within evangelical circles and outside. In this post, it is my aim to explain Christian counseling as I understand and practice it. I look forward to your responses so that we can learn together.

There are so many people calling themselves counselors today that it can be confusing when it comes time to find a counselor for yourself or a loved one. Hopefully, as you read this post, you will come to a greater understanding of what is and is not Christian counseling. In doing this you will be able to formulate questions to ask a potential counselor so that you receive the counsel you need and desire.

The first principle which characterizes a Christian counselor is his uncompromising belief that the Word of God is the foundation for all counsel. There are many competing psychological theories today. These range from the earliest theories postulated by Freud and his associates to more modern theories advanced by theorist in camps such as cognitive-behavioral and family systems. While each of these theories has distinct advantages and disadvantages, the Christian counselor never allows his particular theoretical orientation to carry more weight than the Word of God.

A second principle which characterizes Christian counselors is a commitment to the social sciences in areas where their claims do not contradict Scripture. This is easily the most controversial principle which marks a Christian counselor. On one side you have some Christians who totally discredit the social sciences, and on the other side you have counselors who call themselves “Christian” who, intentionally or unintentionally, elevate the advancements of social science above God’s Word. It is my position that both extremes are in error of God’s perfect plan. Certainly God’s Word provides us with answers to foundational questions such as “Who is man”, “What is man’s problem”, and “Where did man come from?”, but God did not intend for His Word to speak exhaustively to all issues of life.

There are a plethora of issues where both the social sciences and medical sciences aid in bringing healing to man. For example, while depression can certainly be a spiritual issue, science has made great strides in showing us how to help people who suffer with depression. Another example where social science aids the Christian counselor is in the area of life stage development. There are certain norms validated over time which characterize normal human development. Understanding these norms and integrating them in counseling help the counselor bring to light developmental issues which might explain the issues presently facing the client. Therefore, a Christian counselor is someone who, using the Bible as his grid, uses the advancements of social and medical sciences when they do not contradict Scripture.

The third foundational principle which marks a Christian counselor is the counselor’s commitment to a personal relationship and daily walk with Jesus Christ. While this may seem like a principle which can go unstated, I believe this characteristic is as vital as the previous two. If you, as a client, are seeking what you understand to be Christian counsel, yet your counselor is not walking with the Lord how do you expect to receive Christian counsel? While this principle is not as easily measured as the previous two, you, as the client have the right to inquire of your counselor as to his spiritual walk. To be honest, it is intimidating to walk into your counselor’s office, being in a vulnerable state, and ask tough questions of him, however always keep in mind that the counselor is not there for himself, but he is there to help you. You must be able to ask tough questions of your counselor to receive the counsel you deserve. You are placing a tremendous amount of trust and faith in him and if he is not walking with the Lord himself, his counsel to you is going to be less than it should be. An important point to remember is that you are essentially a consumer when you walk into your counselors’ office, and as a consumer you have the right to demand the best product available. If you are interested in “consuming” Christian counsel, yet your counselor is not walking with Christ your product will not be of the highest quality.

While the illustration above may seem harsh and certainly challenges how we perceive the counselor-client relationship it is important to view the relationship in this light. Always remember that a good counselor is more concerned with your well-being than his keeping you as a client. During the first session part of the objective should be for both of you to evaluate how well you match with each other…much like a first date. Just as with dating, there are certain people, no matter how good of a person (counselor) they are, that are not a good match for you. Be willing to voice that, as the consumer, if you believe this to be the case.

In addition to the three foundational principles of a Christian counselor there are five cores truths that shape a Christian counselor. I will simply state these as they are self-explanatory. These include:

1. A Christian counselor accepts the Bible as the final standard of authority.

2. A Christian counselor understands the nature of man from the perspective of

the Creator God.

3. A Christian counselor understands that change is not merely a human process. 4. A Christian counselor deals with the whole person (emotional, physical and spiritual) in the counseling office.

5. A Christian counselor has goals which are consistent with the eternal purposes of God.

Based on the above information I suggest you ask these questions of any counselor you meet with.

1. How much value do you place on God’s Word?

2. How do social/medical sciences impact your counseling?

3. What is your theoretical orientation, and how does that shape your counsel?

4. What value do you place in a personal, daily walk with Christ?

5. How are you practically living out your faith?

While this post is much more academic than I hope most of my posts to be, I did feel it necessary to explain my position from the outset. I hope that you found this article to be beneficial. Please, feel free to post comments, email me directly at reeves@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com. , or you may call me at 843-662-2021 to discuss this in more detail. If you did not find this blog via www.sandhurstchristiancounseling.com I invite you to check out this site as it gives you greater detail about the counseling ministry at the Church at Sandhurst.

Blessings!
Reeves