Exploring Forgiveness
Often people ask me, “What is the biggest issue you encounter in the counseling office?” Without hesitation I am able to say the need to accept or extend forgiveness. In almost every situation I encounter, forgiveness is a big part of the growth and healing process. Maybe it is a spouse who is unwilling to extend forgiveness. A child who is angry at her parents divorce, or an individual bitter at a business partners shoddy practices. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is almost always a big part of the healing process.
Life would be much easier if we did not have to accept or extend forgiveness, but the reality is forgiveness must be extended and accepted for relationships to flourish as God intended. Whether it is a simple, “I’m sorry” or a complex process that requires time and serious contemplation, forgiveness must be extended and accepted. It is not easy, in fact, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply could be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is essential! Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us of our need to extend forgiveness:
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven).”
There are a plethora of reasons why people balk at the idea of forgiveness, but forgiveness is deathly important in God’s eye’s. If you don’t think so check out Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
If that is not serious I don’t know what is! Therefore, over the next several weeks I am going to explore the subject of forgiveness. I am going to write about such topics as:
-What is Forgiveness; What is not Forgiveness?
- The Importance of Forgiveness
- How you can Forgive those who have hurt you the most
- Forgiving Yourself
I hope that you will find these upcoming posts helpful for your life as you daily get the opportunity to both accept and extend forgiveness.
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS; WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS?
Matthew 18:21-35 is a key passage when seeking an understanding of forgiveness. It is in this passage, often termed “The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” where we learn so much about Biblical Forgiveness. The passage details a king who desires to settle his accounts. The king goes to one man who owes him millions of dollars. When the man is unable to pay the debt the king responds by having pity on him and canceling the debt. It is in this story that Jesus teaches us so much about forgiveness.
Timothy Lane, author of the booklet Forgiving Others- Joining Wisdom and Love, defines forgiveness this way. “Forgiveness is an act of compassion; love expressed when you are sinned against.” He goes on to include five characteristics of Biblical forgiveness which flow from Matthew 18:21-35.
1. Forgiveness Cancels a Debt.
It is important to note the word cancels. Notice it does not say that forgiveness ignores a debt. Many people understand forgiveness to mean that you must ignore or forget that an offense was ever done to you. Biblical forgiveness never speaks of forgiveness in these terms. Someone must always “pay” for the offense. Either the person who offended you must seek to repay the offense, or you, the offended, must extend forgiveness and absorb the pain and suffering caused by the offense.
It is important to think back to your own salvation experience. Each of us is indebted, because of our sin, to God. We are all sinners and in need of forgiveness. God, through Jesus Christ, modeled forgiveness to you when He sent His only Son to pay your debt for you. When you accepted the forgiveness of your sins through Jesus Christ your sin debt was cancelled. It was not forgotten or ignored. Someone… Jesus Christ… paid your debt. We must do the same when we are sinned against. We do not ignore the sin; rather we bear the pain of the sin ourselves. This is forgiveness.
Timothy Lane gives an excellent illustration of this point. He writes: “Suppose you borrow my wheelbarrow. When you return it, the wheel is flat. I can make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We cannot pretend that the wheelbarrow is not broken. We can’t minimize its brokenness. If I choose to pay for it myself, I have “forgiven” you your debt; it is cancelled. The person who forgives no longer expects to be repaid for what he has suffered.”
2. Forgiveness is a Three-Fold Promise
Understanding forgiveness as canceling a debt someone owes you requires you to make a three-fold promise.
1. “I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.” The last statement of this phrase is essential… “use it against you.” You cannot cancel a debt and then hold it against someone. Those are opposite actions. One action says you no longer owe me for the debt you incurred, while the other action is saying you still owe me! Only when reconciliation is at issue should the forgiver bring up the offense.
2. “I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.”
3. “I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on this offense.”
Admittedly, what is required of you, the forgiver, is difficult. In fact, it may seem impossible, however, it is essential and it is certainly attainable through Christ (Ephesians 3:20). It is also important to remember that when you fail to forgive you are really only hurting yourself and your relationship with God. It feels as though in some way you are enacting justice on the person who has hurt you, but really you are only remaining in a state of anger and bitterness which continually causes you to dwell on the offense. There is true joy and peace at the end of forgiveness. You do not have to hold on to the offense. It is not your place to enact justice on the one who has offended you. Forgive and experience the joy and peace which is found when true forgiveness is extended.
3. Forgiveness is an Event and a Process
This is an important point to remember. We are not super-humans. Forgiveness is certainly an event. You choose at a specific time and place to say, “I forgive you.” However, there will be times when the hurt, pain and anger invade as an unwelcome guest. Seemingly out of nowhere, your mind will turn to the offense and it will be all you can do to clear your thoughts from the hurt and anger. It is at this time that you must remember the three-fold promise you made when you first chose to forgive. Over time, as you continue to defeat Satan, the pain and hurt of the offense will lessen and the events will enter your mind less and less until you can no longer recall them.
4. Forgiveness is not Forgetting
We have already touched on this point. This is probably the most misunderstood point about forgiveness. Again, let me turn to the words of Timothy Lane: “Many people cite Jeremiah 31:34 and conclude that since God forgets my sins when he forgives me, I must forget the sins that others have committed against me. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” But the omniscient God does not have amnesia when it comes to our sins. The word “remember” in this passage does not refer to memory, but to covenant. A covenant is a promise. When God forgives our sins, he does not forget them. Rather, he makes a promise not to treat you as your sins deserve. He chooses to absorb the cost himself in the persona and work of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.”
5. Forgiveness is not Peace at All Costs
The Bible calls us to hold each other to high standards (Matthew 18:15-19). We are not to become a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. While we are commanded to forgive, it may be unwise for us to welcome certain people back into our lives. While you must forgive a husband who abuses you, or a wife who cannot control her alcohol consumption, inviting them back into your home and your life is different than forgiving them.
Hopefully, you have found this to be informative and challenging. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential. As I close remember Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Check back next week as I will look into the subject of the Importance of Forgiveness.
If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness I encourage you to check out the book by Timothy S. Lane. Forgiving Others Joining Wisdom and Love. You can order it by clicking here.
THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
It has been mentioned in previous articles that forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is difficult, and while that is true, the importance of forgiveness is vast. Satan does a masterful job of twisting the importance of forgiveness in ones mind. Often, the one who has been hurt and needs to extend forgiveness has a difficult time coming to terms with the need to forgive. Hurt and pain have a way of making the person feel as if forgiving the one who offended them is a sign of weakness and surrender. As a result, often forgiveness is not extended. The result of this has enormous consequences for the person in need of extending forgiveness. The failure to forgive extends into all areas of a persons life- spiritual, emotional, and physical. In this article we will examine the importance of forgiveness in each of these areas.
No aspect of ones life is more greatly affected by un-forgiveness than ones spiritual life. Scripture teaches us that the failure to forgive someone can have eternal impact. Matthew 6:14-15 states “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is a strong statement that provides much insight into the importance God places on forgiveness. This verse teaches that we must have our horizontal (person to person) relationships right before our vertical relationship (God to man) can be. All of us have experienced the effects of what un-forgiveness does to our walk with the Lord. Failure to extend forgiveness leads us down a path of stagnation. No longer do we desire to commune with God. We feel shame and guilt and Satan does his best work during these seasons of life. If an unforgiving heart goes unchecked there will be an endless supply of anger, hostility and bitterness. These emotions do not correlate with a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Simply put, failure to forgive someone has enormous implications in relation to our walk with God. If you fail to extend forgiveness it is not the one who offended you who suffers, but rather you are continuing to let the offender win by refusing to forgive as God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).
Just as our Spiritual life suffers when we fail to extend forgiveness our emotions take a hit as well. This is why Ephesians 4:31-32 states “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Have you ever considered the effects un-forgiveness has on your emotions? It is as if the failure to extend forgiveness, while you want it to negatively affect the one who offended you, only causes you greater turmoil. This has been proven scientifically. Studies have shown that failure to forgive leads to anger, hate, revenge, misguided justice, depression and anxiety. While I am not a rocket scientist I do not believe anyone desires to experience these emotions, but recent scientific research on forgiveness clearly shows that a failure to forgive leads to these emotions and disorders.1 However, long before scientist and psychologist caught on to the fact that un-forgiveness plays a part in ones mental health Scripture taught us this. Ephesians 4:31-32 clearly draws a link between un-forgiveness and bitterness rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every other form of malice. Again, it is clear, if you want to experience emotional health, you must be willing to extend forgiveness when someone sins against you.
Just as there are definite spiritual and emotional consequences to un-forgiveness there also exists a physical consequence. While forgiveness research is only an emerging field of scientific study, there have been several studies which detail the positive effects forgiveness has on ones physical makeup. Studies have concluded that forgiveness has a correlation with reducing heart disease, as well as other physical ailments.2, 3 You may have never thought about it in these terms, but what this research proves is that your unwillingness to extend forgiveness could very well lead to an early death!
As you can see, forgiveness plays a vital role in your overall health. Choosing to forgive someone is not simply a small choice that has little ripple effect. The choice to forgive someone is of enormous importance. Its effects extend across your life- from your spiritual condition to potentially determining the number of years you live. Forgiveness must not be taken lightly.
Forgiving those who hurt you the most
How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months. Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you. Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the most.
Pray
I can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well, yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer however.
Check out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we can start with prayer!
Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You
It may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to extend forgiveness.
Seek Wise Counsel
The words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel. How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering? That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his client.
Knowing this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this, and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without confronting the need to forgive.
Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings
Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”
Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray, Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!
WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF
It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.
THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN
Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.
CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN
Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.
PRIDE AND ARROGANCE
Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?
YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?
YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR
Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.
As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Forgiveness
Exploring Forgiveness
Often people ask me, “What is the biggest issue you encounter in the counseling office?” Without hesitation I am able to say the need to accept or extend forgiveness. In almost every situation I encounter, forgiveness is a big part of the growth and healing process. Maybe it is a spouse who is unwilling to extend forgiveness. A child who is angry at her parents divorce, or an individual bitter at a business partners shoddy practices. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is almost always a big part of the healing process.
Life would be much easier if we did not have to accept or extend forgiveness, but the reality is forgiveness must be extended and accepted for relationships to flourish as God intended. Whether it is a simple, “I’m sorry” or a complex process that requires time and serious contemplation, forgiveness must be extended and accepted. It is not easy, in fact, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply could be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is essential! Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us of our need to extend forgiveness:
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven).”
There are a plethora of reasons why people balk at the idea of forgiveness, but forgiveness is deathly important in God’s eye’s. If you don’t think so check out Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
If that is not serious I don’t know what is! Therefore, over the next several weeks I am going to explore the subject of forgiveness. I am going to write about such topics as:
-What is Forgiveness; What is not Forgiveness?
- The Importance of Forgiveness
- How you can Forgive those who have hurt you the most
- Forgiving Yourself
I hope that you will find these upcoming posts helpful for your life as you daily get the opportunity to both accept and extend forgiveness.
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS; WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS?
Matthew 18:21-35 is a key passage when seeking an understanding of forgiveness. It is in this passage, often termed “The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” where we learn so much about Biblical Forgiveness. The passage details a king who desires to settle his accounts. The king goes to one man who owes him millions of dollars. When the man is unable to pay the debt the king responds by having pity on him and canceling the debt. It is in this story that Jesus teaches us so much about forgiveness.
Timothy Lane, author of the booklet Forgiving Others- Joining Wisdom and Love, defines forgiveness this way. “Forgiveness is an act of compassion; love expressed when you are sinned against.” He goes on to include five characteristics of Biblical forgiveness which flow from Matthew 18:21-35.
1. Forgiveness Cancels a Debt.
It is important to note the word cancels. Notice it does not say that forgiveness ignores a debt. Many people understand forgiveness to mean that you must ignore or forget that an offense was ever done to you. Biblical forgiveness never speaks of forgiveness in these terms. Someone must always “pay” for the offense. Either the person who offended you must seek to repay the offense, or you, the offended, must extend forgiveness and absorb the pain and suffering caused by the offense.
It is important to think back to your own salvation experience. Each of us is indebted, because of our sin, to God. We are all sinners and in need of forgiveness. God, through Jesus Christ, modeled forgiveness to you when He sent His only Son to pay your debt for you. When you accepted the forgiveness of your sins through Jesus Christ your sin debt was cancelled. It was not forgotten or ignored. Someone… Jesus Christ… paid your debt. We must do the same when we are sinned against. We do not ignore the sin; rather we bear the pain of the sin ourselves. This is forgiveness.
Timothy Lane gives an excellent illustration of this point. He writes: “Suppose you borrow my wheelbarrow. When you return it, the wheel is flat. I can make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We cannot pretend that the wheelbarrow is not broken. We can’t minimize its brokenness. If I choose to pay for it myself, I have “forgiven” you your debt; it is cancelled. The person who forgives no longer expects to be repaid for what he has suffered.”
2. Forgiveness is a Three-Fold Promise
Understanding forgiveness as canceling a debt someone owes you requires you to make a three-fold promise.
1. “I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.” The last statement of this phrase is essential… “use it against you.” You cannot cancel a debt and then hold it against someone. Those are opposite actions. One action says you no longer owe me for the debt you incurred, while the other action is saying you still owe me! Only when reconciliation is at issue should the forgiver bring up the offense.
2. “I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.”
3. “I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on this offense.”
Admittedly, what is required of you, the forgiver, is difficult. In fact, it may seem impossible, however, it is essential and it is certainly attainable through Christ (Ephesians 3:20). It is also important to remember that when you fail to forgive you are really only hurting yourself and your relationship with God. It feels as though in some way you are enacting justice on the person who has hurt you, but really you are only remaining in a state of anger and bitterness which continually causes you to dwell on the offense. There is true joy and peace at the end of forgiveness. You do not have to hold on to the offense. It is not your place to enact justice on the one who has offended you. Forgive and experience the joy and peace which is found when true forgiveness is extended.
3. Forgiveness is an Event and a Process
This is an important point to remember. We are not super-humans. Forgiveness is certainly an event. You choose at a specific time and place to say, “I forgive you.” However, there will be times when the hurt, pain and anger invade as an unwelcome guest. Seemingly out of nowhere, your mind will turn to the offense and it will be all you can do to clear your thoughts from the hurt and anger. It is at this time that you must remember the three-fold promise you made when you first chose to forgive. Over time, as you continue to defeat Satan, the pain and hurt of the offense will lessen and the events will enter your mind less and less until you can no longer recall them.
4. Forgiveness is not Forgetting
We have already touched on this point. This is probably the most misunderstood point about forgiveness. Again, let me turn to the words of Timothy Lane: “Many people cite Jeremiah 31:34 and conclude that since God forgets my sins when he forgives me, I must forget the sins that others have committed against me. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” But the omniscient God does not have amnesia when it comes to our sins. The word “remember” in this passage does not refer to memory, but to covenant. A covenant is a promise. When God forgives our sins, he does not forget them. Rather, he makes a promise not to treat you as your sins deserve. He chooses to absorb the cost himself in the persona and work of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.”
5. Forgiveness is not Peace at All Costs
The Bible calls us to hold each other to high standards (Matthew 18:15-19). We are not to become a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. While we are commanded to forgive, it may be unwise for us to welcome certain people back into our lives. While you must forgive a husband who abuses you, or a wife who cannot control her alcohol consumption, inviting them back into your home and your life is different than forgiving them.
Hopefully, you have found this to be informative and challenging. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential. As I close remember Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Check back next week as I will look into the subject of the Importance of Forgiveness.
If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness I encourage you to check out the book by Timothy S. Lane. Forgiving Others Joining Wisdom and Love. You can order it by clicking here.
THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
It has been mentioned in previous articles that forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is difficult, and while that is true, the importance of forgiveness is vast. Satan does a masterful job of twisting the importance of forgiveness in ones mind. Often, the one who has been hurt and needs to extend forgiveness has a difficult time coming to terms with the need to forgive. Hurt and pain have a way of making the person feel as if forgiving the one who offended them is a sign of weakness and surrender. As a result, often forgiveness is not extended. The result of this has enormous consequences for the person in need of extending forgiveness. The failure to forgive extends into all areas of a persons life- spiritual, emotional, and physical. In this article we will examine the importance of forgiveness in each of these areas.
No aspect of ones life is more greatly affected by un-forgiveness than ones spiritual life. Scripture teaches us that the failure to forgive someone can have eternal impact. Matthew 6:14-15 states “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is a strong statement that provides much insight into the importance God places on forgiveness. This verse teaches that we must have our horizontal (person to person) relationships right before our vertical relationship (God to man) can be. All of us have experienced the effects of what un-forgiveness does to our walk with the Lord. Failure to extend forgiveness leads us down a path of stagnation. No longer do we desire to commune with God. We feel shame and guilt and Satan does his best work during these seasons of life. If an unforgiving heart goes unchecked there will be an endless supply of anger, hostility and bitterness. These emotions do not correlate with a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Simply put, failure to forgive someone has enormous implications in relation to our walk with God. If you fail to extend forgiveness it is not the one who offended you who suffers, but rather you are continuing to let the offender win by refusing to forgive as God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).
Just as our Spiritual life suffers when we fail to extend forgiveness our emotions take a hit as well. This is why Ephesians 4:31-32 states “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Have you ever considered the effects un-forgiveness has on your emotions? It is as if the failure to extend forgiveness, while you want it to negatively affect the one who offended you, only causes you greater turmoil. This has been proven scientifically. Studies have shown that failure to forgive leads to anger, hate, revenge, misguided justice, depression and anxiety. While I am not a rocket scientist I do not believe anyone desires to experience these emotions, but recent scientific research on forgiveness clearly shows that a failure to forgive leads to these emotions and disorders.1 However, long before scientist and psychologist caught on to the fact that un-forgiveness plays a part in ones mental health Scripture taught us this. Ephesians 4:31-32 clearly draws a link between un-forgiveness and bitterness rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every other form of malice. Again, it is clear, if you want to experience emotional health, you must be willing to extend forgiveness when someone sins against you.
Just as there are definite spiritual and emotional consequences to un-forgiveness there also exists a physical consequence. While forgiveness research is only an emerging field of scientific study, there have been several studies which detail the positive effects forgiveness has on ones physical makeup. Studies have concluded that forgiveness has a correlation with reducing heart disease, as well as other physical ailments.2, 3 You may have never thought about it in these terms, but what this research proves is that your unwillingness to extend forgiveness could very well lead to an early death!
As you can see, forgiveness plays a vital role in your overall health. Choosing to forgive someone is not simply a small choice that has little ripple effect. The choice to forgive someone is of enormous importance. Its effects extend across your life- from your spiritual condition to potentially determining the number of years you live. Forgiveness must not be taken lightly.
Forgiving those who hurt you the most
How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months. Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you. Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the most.
Pray
I can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well, yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer however.
Check out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we can start with prayer!
Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You
It may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to extend forgiveness.
Seek Wise Counsel
The words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel. How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering? That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his client.
Knowing this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this, and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without confronting the need to forgive.
Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings
Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”
Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray, Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!
WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF
It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.
THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN
Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.
CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN
Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.
PRIDE AND ARROGANCE
Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?
YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?
YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR
Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.
As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).
Often people ask me, “What is the biggest issue you encounter in the counseling office?” Without hesitation I am able to say the need to accept or extend forgiveness. In almost every situation I encounter, forgiveness is a big part of the growth and healing process. Maybe it is a spouse who is unwilling to extend forgiveness. A child who is angry at her parents divorce, or an individual bitter at a business partners shoddy practices. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is almost always a big part of the healing process.
Life would be much easier if we did not have to accept or extend forgiveness, but the reality is forgiveness must be extended and accepted for relationships to flourish as God intended. Whether it is a simple, “I’m sorry” or a complex process that requires time and serious contemplation, forgiveness must be extended and accepted. It is not easy, in fact, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply could be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is essential! Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us of our need to extend forgiveness:
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven).”
There are a plethora of reasons why people balk at the idea of forgiveness, but forgiveness is deathly important in God’s eye’s. If you don’t think so check out Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
If that is not serious I don’t know what is! Therefore, over the next several weeks I am going to explore the subject of forgiveness. I am going to write about such topics as:
-What is Forgiveness; What is not Forgiveness?
- The Importance of Forgiveness
- How you can Forgive those who have hurt you the most
- Forgiving Yourself
I hope that you will find these upcoming posts helpful for your life as you daily get the opportunity to both accept and extend forgiveness.
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS; WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS?
Matthew 18:21-35 is a key passage when seeking an understanding of forgiveness. It is in this passage, often termed “The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” where we learn so much about Biblical Forgiveness. The passage details a king who desires to settle his accounts. The king goes to one man who owes him millions of dollars. When the man is unable to pay the debt the king responds by having pity on him and canceling the debt. It is in this story that Jesus teaches us so much about forgiveness.
Timothy Lane, author of the booklet Forgiving Others- Joining Wisdom and Love, defines forgiveness this way. “Forgiveness is an act of compassion; love expressed when you are sinned against.” He goes on to include five characteristics of Biblical forgiveness which flow from Matthew 18:21-35.
1. Forgiveness Cancels a Debt.
It is important to note the word cancels. Notice it does not say that forgiveness ignores a debt. Many people understand forgiveness to mean that you must ignore or forget that an offense was ever done to you. Biblical forgiveness never speaks of forgiveness in these terms. Someone must always “pay” for the offense. Either the person who offended you must seek to repay the offense, or you, the offended, must extend forgiveness and absorb the pain and suffering caused by the offense.
It is important to think back to your own salvation experience. Each of us is indebted, because of our sin, to God. We are all sinners and in need of forgiveness. God, through Jesus Christ, modeled forgiveness to you when He sent His only Son to pay your debt for you. When you accepted the forgiveness of your sins through Jesus Christ your sin debt was cancelled. It was not forgotten or ignored. Someone… Jesus Christ… paid your debt. We must do the same when we are sinned against. We do not ignore the sin; rather we bear the pain of the sin ourselves. This is forgiveness.
Timothy Lane gives an excellent illustration of this point. He writes: “Suppose you borrow my wheelbarrow. When you return it, the wheel is flat. I can make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We cannot pretend that the wheelbarrow is not broken. We can’t minimize its brokenness. If I choose to pay for it myself, I have “forgiven” you your debt; it is cancelled. The person who forgives no longer expects to be repaid for what he has suffered.”
2. Forgiveness is a Three-Fold Promise
Understanding forgiveness as canceling a debt someone owes you requires you to make a three-fold promise.
1. “I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.” The last statement of this phrase is essential… “use it against you.” You cannot cancel a debt and then hold it against someone. Those are opposite actions. One action says you no longer owe me for the debt you incurred, while the other action is saying you still owe me! Only when reconciliation is at issue should the forgiver bring up the offense.
2. “I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.”
3. “I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on this offense.”
Admittedly, what is required of you, the forgiver, is difficult. In fact, it may seem impossible, however, it is essential and it is certainly attainable through Christ (Ephesians 3:20). It is also important to remember that when you fail to forgive you are really only hurting yourself and your relationship with God. It feels as though in some way you are enacting justice on the person who has hurt you, but really you are only remaining in a state of anger and bitterness which continually causes you to dwell on the offense. There is true joy and peace at the end of forgiveness. You do not have to hold on to the offense. It is not your place to enact justice on the one who has offended you. Forgive and experience the joy and peace which is found when true forgiveness is extended.
3. Forgiveness is an Event and a Process
This is an important point to remember. We are not super-humans. Forgiveness is certainly an event. You choose at a specific time and place to say, “I forgive you.” However, there will be times when the hurt, pain and anger invade as an unwelcome guest. Seemingly out of nowhere, your mind will turn to the offense and it will be all you can do to clear your thoughts from the hurt and anger. It is at this time that you must remember the three-fold promise you made when you first chose to forgive. Over time, as you continue to defeat Satan, the pain and hurt of the offense will lessen and the events will enter your mind less and less until you can no longer recall them.
4. Forgiveness is not Forgetting
We have already touched on this point. This is probably the most misunderstood point about forgiveness. Again, let me turn to the words of Timothy Lane: “Many people cite Jeremiah 31:34 and conclude that since God forgets my sins when he forgives me, I must forget the sins that others have committed against me. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” But the omniscient God does not have amnesia when it comes to our sins. The word “remember” in this passage does not refer to memory, but to covenant. A covenant is a promise. When God forgives our sins, he does not forget them. Rather, he makes a promise not to treat you as your sins deserve. He chooses to absorb the cost himself in the persona and work of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.”
5. Forgiveness is not Peace at All Costs
The Bible calls us to hold each other to high standards (Matthew 18:15-19). We are not to become a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. While we are commanded to forgive, it may be unwise for us to welcome certain people back into our lives. While you must forgive a husband who abuses you, or a wife who cannot control her alcohol consumption, inviting them back into your home and your life is different than forgiving them.
Hopefully, you have found this to be informative and challenging. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential. As I close remember Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Check back next week as I will look into the subject of the Importance of Forgiveness.
If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness I encourage you to check out the book by Timothy S. Lane. Forgiving Others Joining Wisdom and Love. You can order it by clicking here.
THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
It has been mentioned in previous articles that forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is difficult, and while that is true, the importance of forgiveness is vast. Satan does a masterful job of twisting the importance of forgiveness in ones mind. Often, the one who has been hurt and needs to extend forgiveness has a difficult time coming to terms with the need to forgive. Hurt and pain have a way of making the person feel as if forgiving the one who offended them is a sign of weakness and surrender. As a result, often forgiveness is not extended. The result of this has enormous consequences for the person in need of extending forgiveness. The failure to forgive extends into all areas of a persons life- spiritual, emotional, and physical. In this article we will examine the importance of forgiveness in each of these areas.
No aspect of ones life is more greatly affected by un-forgiveness than ones spiritual life. Scripture teaches us that the failure to forgive someone can have eternal impact. Matthew 6:14-15 states “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is a strong statement that provides much insight into the importance God places on forgiveness. This verse teaches that we must have our horizontal (person to person) relationships right before our vertical relationship (God to man) can be. All of us have experienced the effects of what un-forgiveness does to our walk with the Lord. Failure to extend forgiveness leads us down a path of stagnation. No longer do we desire to commune with God. We feel shame and guilt and Satan does his best work during these seasons of life. If an unforgiving heart goes unchecked there will be an endless supply of anger, hostility and bitterness. These emotions do not correlate with a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Simply put, failure to forgive someone has enormous implications in relation to our walk with God. If you fail to extend forgiveness it is not the one who offended you who suffers, but rather you are continuing to let the offender win by refusing to forgive as God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).
Just as our Spiritual life suffers when we fail to extend forgiveness our emotions take a hit as well. This is why Ephesians 4:31-32 states “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Have you ever considered the effects un-forgiveness has on your emotions? It is as if the failure to extend forgiveness, while you want it to negatively affect the one who offended you, only causes you greater turmoil. This has been proven scientifically. Studies have shown that failure to forgive leads to anger, hate, revenge, misguided justice, depression and anxiety. While I am not a rocket scientist I do not believe anyone desires to experience these emotions, but recent scientific research on forgiveness clearly shows that a failure to forgive leads to these emotions and disorders.1 However, long before scientist and psychologist caught on to the fact that un-forgiveness plays a part in ones mental health Scripture taught us this. Ephesians 4:31-32 clearly draws a link between un-forgiveness and bitterness rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every other form of malice. Again, it is clear, if you want to experience emotional health, you must be willing to extend forgiveness when someone sins against you.
Just as there are definite spiritual and emotional consequences to un-forgiveness there also exists a physical consequence. While forgiveness research is only an emerging field of scientific study, there have been several studies which detail the positive effects forgiveness has on ones physical makeup. Studies have concluded that forgiveness has a correlation with reducing heart disease, as well as other physical ailments.2, 3 You may have never thought about it in these terms, but what this research proves is that your unwillingness to extend forgiveness could very well lead to an early death!
As you can see, forgiveness plays a vital role in your overall health. Choosing to forgive someone is not simply a small choice that has little ripple effect. The choice to forgive someone is of enormous importance. Its effects extend across your life- from your spiritual condition to potentially determining the number of years you live. Forgiveness must not be taken lightly.
Forgiving those who hurt you the most
How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months. Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you. Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the most.
Pray
I can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well, yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer however.
Check out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we can start with prayer!
Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You
It may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to extend forgiveness.
Seek Wise Counsel
The words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel. How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering? That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his client.
Knowing this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this, and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without confronting the need to forgive.
Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings
Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”
Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray, Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!
WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF
It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.
THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN
Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.
CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN
Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.
PRIDE AND ARROGANCE
Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?
YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?
YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR
Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.
As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
New Years Resolutions Versus New Years Goals
If you are like me you have grown weary of resolutions. They never seem to work. From failed U.N. Resolutions that promise to bring peace to a country; to our own personal resolutions that we make each January they all seem to have one thing in common- they fail.
Well as we begin a new year let me encourage you to throw away your resolutions and instead make goals. You may be asking what the difference is? Well, I believe there is a significant, yet subtle difference. Let me explain.
By definition a resolution is "a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something." While a goal is: "the result or achievement toward which effort is directed." My point is this. Resolutions give us no wiggle room- they are firm- and therefore we can easily become defeated when the first sign of adversity hits. And who lives a life free of adversity? By definition a goal is more fluid. Goals give us more wiggle room to amend as the circumstances warrant. If I make a goal to lose fifteen pounds this year, but I break my leg in February and can't exercise for four months I have suffered a serious setback to my goal of losing fifteen pounds. However, because goals are more fluid and defined more by the circumstances in which we find ourselves I can amend my goal based on the fact that I have broken my leg. This leads to greater success in reaching our goals because they remain fluid and realistic throughout the year. It gives us greater confidence and helps us push ourselves in greater ways.
Another thing you need to do is write your goals down. It does not help much to wake up January 1st, contemplate your goals for the year, and then sit down for a day of college bowl games. You must write down what you want to accomplish in the year to come. I like to divide my goals into several categories- Spiritual, Marriage & Family, Financial, Ministry/Business, Personal Development and Physical Fitness. Once you have defined your goals, and written them down you need to keep them in a place of remembrance. I keep mine either to the left of my computer or in the first file of my file cabinet. This reminds me of my goals daily and allows me to amend them when the realities of my life change.
So this year, make a point to set realistic goals for 2011, write them down and keep them in a place where you can refer to them often. I wish you great success in achieving all of your goals for 2011!
Well as we begin a new year let me encourage you to throw away your resolutions and instead make goals. You may be asking what the difference is? Well, I believe there is a significant, yet subtle difference. Let me explain.
By definition a resolution is "a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something." While a goal is: "the result or achievement toward which effort is directed." My point is this. Resolutions give us no wiggle room- they are firm- and therefore we can easily become defeated when the first sign of adversity hits. And who lives a life free of adversity? By definition a goal is more fluid. Goals give us more wiggle room to amend as the circumstances warrant. If I make a goal to lose fifteen pounds this year, but I break my leg in February and can't exercise for four months I have suffered a serious setback to my goal of losing fifteen pounds. However, because goals are more fluid and defined more by the circumstances in which we find ourselves I can amend my goal based on the fact that I have broken my leg. This leads to greater success in reaching our goals because they remain fluid and realistic throughout the year. It gives us greater confidence and helps us push ourselves in greater ways.
Another thing you need to do is write your goals down. It does not help much to wake up January 1st, contemplate your goals for the year, and then sit down for a day of college bowl games. You must write down what you want to accomplish in the year to come. I like to divide my goals into several categories- Spiritual, Marriage & Family, Financial, Ministry/Business, Personal Development and Physical Fitness. Once you have defined your goals, and written them down you need to keep them in a place of remembrance. I keep mine either to the left of my computer or in the first file of my file cabinet. This reminds me of my goals daily and allows me to amend them when the realities of my life change.
So this year, make a point to set realistic goals for 2011, write them down and keep them in a place where you can refer to them often. I wish you great success in achieving all of your goals for 2011!
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Tips for Surviving the Holidays Season with Extended Family
For many people the Holiday Season can bring added stress due to having to interact with Extended Family. There may be strained relationships that one side is aware of, but the other side does not recognize or there may be a relationship that both sides understand to be strained. Either scenario makes for an awkward setting when it is time to exchnage gifts and be in the Christmas Spirit. If you find yourself in a strained relationship with an extended family member here are four tips to help you navigate this Holiday Season.
1. Clearly communicate with your spouse the expectations y'all have for being around the family members in question.
Without clear communication it is easy for one of you to have one set of expectations while the other is thinking something totally different. Make sure you communicate each of your expectations and do it in advance of the family event so that you and your spouse can be on the same page.
2. Communicate with your extended family about how you are going to handle the family event.
If you are only going to be there for an hour or two, but grandma Jo is expecting you the whole day it can create even more tension when you and your clan leave at 10:00 AM. Make sure you communicate in advance how long you will be at the event so you don't have to deal with unexpected issues on Christmas day.
3. Be Honest with your extended family about why you are not staying.
Yes, this may be difficult, but if you lie your way out of an event you are only going to have to do it again when the next family gathering comes. Be honest with your extended family, and let them know why you wont be with them. It will create tension in the short term, but may save the relationship long-term if you are able to deal with it constructively.
4. Protect Your immediate Family
I often see couples where one of the spouses has failed to leave behind their mother or father. Remember when you say "I Do" you are pledging your loyalty and support to your new spouse and the family y'all will create. Do not dismiss your spouses desires for mom or dads. That will leave you with more problems than you started with and a Merry Christmas will not be had by any.
1. Clearly communicate with your spouse the expectations y'all have for being around the family members in question.
Without clear communication it is easy for one of you to have one set of expectations while the other is thinking something totally different. Make sure you communicate each of your expectations and do it in advance of the family event so that you and your spouse can be on the same page.
2. Communicate with your extended family about how you are going to handle the family event.
If you are only going to be there for an hour or two, but grandma Jo is expecting you the whole day it can create even more tension when you and your clan leave at 10:00 AM. Make sure you communicate in advance how long you will be at the event so you don't have to deal with unexpected issues on Christmas day.
3. Be Honest with your extended family about why you are not staying.
Yes, this may be difficult, but if you lie your way out of an event you are only going to have to do it again when the next family gathering comes. Be honest with your extended family, and let them know why you wont be with them. It will create tension in the short term, but may save the relationship long-term if you are able to deal with it constructively.
4. Protect Your immediate Family
I often see couples where one of the spouses has failed to leave behind their mother or father. Remember when you say "I Do" you are pledging your loyalty and support to your new spouse and the family y'all will create. Do not dismiss your spouses desires for mom or dads. That will leave you with more problems than you started with and a Merry Christmas will not be had by any.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
"Just Talking"
If you are into such things as why people get divorced you will have likely heard the common answers of sex, in-laws, and money as some of the top reasons couples quit on their marriage. Well I am here to tell you none of those reasons are why people call it quits. Sure those reasons top the list, but not because they are the foundational causes of divorce. The foundational cause of divorce is a couple's inability to communicate effectively- often about sex, in-laws and money.
Communication is key
Think back to your dating days with your spouse. What made those months and years so special? While there are many things that make dating enjoyable getting to know a person, and learning all about them is what makes it thrilling. And how do we get to know someone? We talk to them, ask them questions, answer their questions. You can probably recall several nights with your spouse where you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning "just talking". I recall one father telling me of a time he received his sons cell phone bill. He noticed the astronomical amount of minutes his son spent on the phone with his girl friend. He inquired how they could talk for that many minutes in a month. It was the girl friend who finally answered, "we just like talking and don't want to hang the phone up so we end up falling asleep and waking up the next morning still on the phone. Now that is love! What happens when we get married?
Something Happens
While it was communicating that formed and created the strong bond that gave us the idea we would make a good marriage team often we forget how to communicate once we tie the knot. Maybe it is being busy, the pursuit of the American dream (not knowing it will cost us our marriage), the busyness of children's schedules, or just a natural drifting apart that robs us of those "just talking" moments, but in order to connect and maintain intimacy in our marriage we must reclaim those "just talking" days of yesteryear. They are the super glue of your marriage.
Just Stop and Talk
Often couples show up in my office unaware that the "problem" that seems so complex is really that they have just stopped sharing life with each other. Admittedly, once you stop sharing life it can be hard and sometimes awkward to start sharing again, but to save your marriage or keep it enjoyable you must! If you find yourself in a place where isolation and busyness has robbed you and your spouse of those "just talking" moments commit today to reclaim them. Yes, it may be awkward at first, but do it..kinda like just taking the plunge and going on a first date. Commit to putting a stake in the ground of your marriage and create an atmosphere where you can "just talk". Maybe it is a specific time each night or a midday break or a weekend date, whatever it is make it a can't miss event in your life. If you need some additional tips on how to get started and rebuild some intimacy in your marriage stop by for a session or two so you can reclaim your "just talking" moments.
Communication is key
Think back to your dating days with your spouse. What made those months and years so special? While there are many things that make dating enjoyable getting to know a person, and learning all about them is what makes it thrilling. And how do we get to know someone? We talk to them, ask them questions, answer their questions. You can probably recall several nights with your spouse where you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning "just talking". I recall one father telling me of a time he received his sons cell phone bill. He noticed the astronomical amount of minutes his son spent on the phone with his girl friend. He inquired how they could talk for that many minutes in a month. It was the girl friend who finally answered, "we just like talking and don't want to hang the phone up so we end up falling asleep and waking up the next morning still on the phone. Now that is love! What happens when we get married?
Something Happens
While it was communicating that formed and created the strong bond that gave us the idea we would make a good marriage team often we forget how to communicate once we tie the knot. Maybe it is being busy, the pursuit of the American dream (not knowing it will cost us our marriage), the busyness of children's schedules, or just a natural drifting apart that robs us of those "just talking" moments, but in order to connect and maintain intimacy in our marriage we must reclaim those "just talking" days of yesteryear. They are the super glue of your marriage.
Just Stop and Talk
Often couples show up in my office unaware that the "problem" that seems so complex is really that they have just stopped sharing life with each other. Admittedly, once you stop sharing life it can be hard and sometimes awkward to start sharing again, but to save your marriage or keep it enjoyable you must! If you find yourself in a place where isolation and busyness has robbed you and your spouse of those "just talking" moments commit today to reclaim them. Yes, it may be awkward at first, but do it..kinda like just taking the plunge and going on a first date. Commit to putting a stake in the ground of your marriage and create an atmosphere where you can "just talk". Maybe it is a specific time each night or a midday break or a weekend date, whatever it is make it a can't miss event in your life. If you need some additional tips on how to get started and rebuild some intimacy in your marriage stop by for a session or two so you can reclaim your "just talking" moments.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
A New Video BLOG
I have started a new video BLOG. It will not replace this BLOG, but the Video BLOG is going to be my primary means of communicating so check it out and mark it as a favorite in your favorites section.
Click here for the new VIDEO BLOG
Click here for the new VIDEO BLOG
Monday, April 12, 2010
A Great Opportunity for your Local Church
I have been teaching seminars for Walk Thru the Bible for almost two years. I teach three different seminars for them, but by far my favorite is the one I teach on marriage and personality. It is called "Understanding the Love of Your Life". It really is a fantastic seminar. Check out this 5 minute info video on the seminar and email me if you would like to talk to me about bringing this to your church.
Click Here for the Video
Click Here for the Video
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Time Standing Still?
It was not the way I had envisioned my weekend starting- especially this weekend. I had things to do- namely demolish a kitchen so it could be ready for the workers who would restore it later that week. There was a backsplash to chisel out, kitchen counters to remove, and cabinets to repaint. All of these activities were to be accomplished with precision as time was not on my side.
As I left the office Friday afternoon to set out on my weekend full of work I felt a small twinge in my throat and was already feeling a little sore even though I had not yet lifted one cabinet or appliance. “This can’t be.” I thought to myself. “There is work to be done. I cannot get sick.” Thankfully, I was able to plow through Friday night finishing all of the priming of the cabinets, but when I woke up Saturday morning I knew that something had to give- either me or the work that was left to be done. My temperature was 103 and I felt like I had been through a ten round cage match. No way did I feel like demolishing a kitchen!
With a deadline to meet I was determined to stay on schedule. I went to work knocking a few tiles off the backsplash and then laying on the couch for an extended time of rest. It was a slow, rough go of it, but in the end I was able to accomplish what had to be done for the work that was scheduled the following week. No, I did not accomplish everything I wanted to get done, but what had to get done was done. However, it was not just getting the work done that made the weekend a success. In the midst of the rest, work and more rest I was reminded of a valuable lesson-
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
Yes, it took me a couple more weekends to get everything finished in my kitchen, but God had a plan and it was accomplished in his time. The question for all of us is this: What are you trying to accomplish in your life and are you attempting to forge ahead of God’s plan or are you allowing him to lead and direct your path? Yes, be faithful to do the necessary work, but trust God to accomplish the results in his time.
As I left the office Friday afternoon to set out on my weekend full of work I felt a small twinge in my throat and was already feeling a little sore even though I had not yet lifted one cabinet or appliance. “This can’t be.” I thought to myself. “There is work to be done. I cannot get sick.” Thankfully, I was able to plow through Friday night finishing all of the priming of the cabinets, but when I woke up Saturday morning I knew that something had to give- either me or the work that was left to be done. My temperature was 103 and I felt like I had been through a ten round cage match. No way did I feel like demolishing a kitchen!
With a deadline to meet I was determined to stay on schedule. I went to work knocking a few tiles off the backsplash and then laying on the couch for an extended time of rest. It was a slow, rough go of it, but in the end I was able to accomplish what had to be done for the work that was scheduled the following week. No, I did not accomplish everything I wanted to get done, but what had to get done was done. However, it was not just getting the work done that made the weekend a success. In the midst of the rest, work and more rest I was reminded of a valuable lesson-
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
Yes, it took me a couple more weekends to get everything finished in my kitchen, but God had a plan and it was accomplished in his time. The question for all of us is this: What are you trying to accomplish in your life and are you attempting to forge ahead of God’s plan or are you allowing him to lead and direct your path? Yes, be faithful to do the necessary work, but trust God to accomplish the results in his time.
Monday, March 08, 2010
A Night Without the Family
It was a night most Dads with two young, busy children would relish- a night at home to do whatever I wanted without interruption. As circumstances would have it I found myself with a wife who was working the night shift at the hospital and my two children, due to an early morning appointment I had, spending the night with Mimi and Pop.
So with a free night to burn I did what many Dads would do- I sought to relieve some stress! My way of relieving stress comes in the form of getting my hands dirty and tackling projects I have no business tackling. The particular project in my crosshairs this night- repainting the kitchen cabinets. Now even a novice, as I am, knew that this would not be a one night project, but I figured I could make great headway with no kids and the house to myself. And Yes, I did have permission from Rebecca before starting the project- a necessary first step in any project. A painful lesson I have learned the hard way. So I set out to start my project and I must admit it went quite well. I cleaned, caulked, filled in screw holes, sanded, de-glossed and was even able to apply the primer to the bottom cabinets. It was truly a nice nights’ work.
As I started cleaning up the mess I had made I noticed a strange sound- it was the sound of silence. Yes, it was 11:30 PM, and the goal every night in the Cannon household is silence at that time, but this particular night it was deafening. I did not like it! I had been able to work for several hours and not notice the loud scream of silence, but as I prepared to go to sleep myself I was suddenly reminded that no one- not my son, daughter, or wife were there with me. It was in that quiet moment that I was reminded of this verse- Psalm 127-3-5:
"Children are a gift from the Lord: they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands. How happy is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates."
A few minutes later another verse popped into my mind- Proverbs 18:22:
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
So often I run through life unaware of the blessing that my wife and children are to me. I appreciate them, but do I truly show them how much I value and love them? The silence of a night alone taught me that I can do a better job. What about you? Do you find yourself taking for granted your family?
So with a free night to burn I did what many Dads would do- I sought to relieve some stress! My way of relieving stress comes in the form of getting my hands dirty and tackling projects I have no business tackling. The particular project in my crosshairs this night- repainting the kitchen cabinets. Now even a novice, as I am, knew that this would not be a one night project, but I figured I could make great headway with no kids and the house to myself. And Yes, I did have permission from Rebecca before starting the project- a necessary first step in any project. A painful lesson I have learned the hard way. So I set out to start my project and I must admit it went quite well. I cleaned, caulked, filled in screw holes, sanded, de-glossed and was even able to apply the primer to the bottom cabinets. It was truly a nice nights’ work.
As I started cleaning up the mess I had made I noticed a strange sound- it was the sound of silence. Yes, it was 11:30 PM, and the goal every night in the Cannon household is silence at that time, but this particular night it was deafening. I did not like it! I had been able to work for several hours and not notice the loud scream of silence, but as I prepared to go to sleep myself I was suddenly reminded that no one- not my son, daughter, or wife were there with me. It was in that quiet moment that I was reminded of this verse- Psalm 127-3-5:
"Children are a gift from the Lord: they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands. How happy is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates."
A few minutes later another verse popped into my mind- Proverbs 18:22:
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
So often I run through life unaware of the blessing that my wife and children are to me. I appreciate them, but do I truly show them how much I value and love them? The silence of a night alone taught me that I can do a better job. What about you? Do you find yourself taking for granted your family?
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Do you brush your teeth or hair first?
Tallon came running into my bedroom this morning as he does every morning- way to early- and said in his patented voice, “It’s time to get up, Daddy, I’m hungry.” After a few minutes of prodding and begging we mustered our way down stairs to eat some eggs and oatmeal- a combination only a four year old would want. On our way back up the stairs I informed Tallon that we needed to make a stop in the bathroom to comb his hair, which had decided to have a party on his scalp during the night, and brush the oatmeal and egg breath out of his mouth. He grabbed his spider man “noisy” toothbrush (noisy means electric in four year old talk) and I grabbed the hair brush. As I went to comb his hair he immediately stopped me and said, “Wait Daddy, I can’t do both at the same time.” Little did he know that that statement would keep me thinking the rest of the day…
You see, he was intent on fixing his inward problem- bad breath, and I was intent on fixing his outward problem- party hair. As I started thinking about what he said a question popped into my mind- am I more interested in covering up the flaws people see me exhibit or am I more intent on fixing my inward flaws- my character? So often we are not concerned about our inward character, but only with what we portray to people- the outward appearance. We may think, “As long as I come across in a positive way I am OK even if on the inside I am wasting away.” The only problem with this perspective is that it is hypocritical. Jesus spoke to this when he referenced the Pharisees. He said in Matthew 23:27 "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be like a whitewashed coffin. If I want to change and grow as a person- husband, father, worker, Christian, friend, etc.-I need to work from the inside out. After all true, lasting change starts from the inside out!
What about you? Are you brushing your hair and ignoring your smelly breath? You may look pretty from a distance, but when people get close they are going to realize you stink!
You see, he was intent on fixing his inward problem- bad breath, and I was intent on fixing his outward problem- party hair. As I started thinking about what he said a question popped into my mind- am I more interested in covering up the flaws people see me exhibit or am I more intent on fixing my inward flaws- my character? So often we are not concerned about our inward character, but only with what we portray to people- the outward appearance. We may think, “As long as I come across in a positive way I am OK even if on the inside I am wasting away.” The only problem with this perspective is that it is hypocritical. Jesus spoke to this when he referenced the Pharisees. He said in Matthew 23:27 "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be like a whitewashed coffin. If I want to change and grow as a person- husband, father, worker, Christian, friend, etc.-I need to work from the inside out. After all true, lasting change starts from the inside out!
What about you? Are you brushing your hair and ignoring your smelly breath? You may look pretty from a distance, but when people get close they are going to realize you stink!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Understanding The Love of Your Life-- Coming to First Baptist Florence
BLOG Readers:
I have exciting news! We are just about 6 weeks away from a great couples event at First Baptist Church in Florence. September 11th and 12th I will be speaking at their annual couples conference. I will teaching on relationships and personality. The conference is called "Understanding the Love of Your Life and it is an excellent conference that will give you and your mate lots of tools to help with your own marriage or serious dating relationship. Contact me to sign-up (or the church directly) and also check out the promo video for the conference. It is really cool!!!!!!! Click here for the video.
I have exciting news! We are just about 6 weeks away from a great couples event at First Baptist Church in Florence. September 11th and 12th I will be speaking at their annual couples conference. I will teaching on relationships and personality. The conference is called "Understanding the Love of Your Life and it is an excellent conference that will give you and your mate lots of tools to help with your own marriage or serious dating relationship. Contact me to sign-up (or the church directly) and also check out the promo video for the conference. It is really cool!!!!!!! Click here for the video.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Still Feel Like Giving Up on Marriage?
By Gary Chapman.
Adapted from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.
Whatever you do, don't give up on your marriage.
I know that if you are in a deeply troubled marriage, you may feel that you only have two options: stay in the marriage and be miserable, or divorce and hope for something better. There is a third alternative. Try the power of unconditional love. Few people can resist love when it is expressed in the right language.
Should you stay in a marriage for the sake of the children?
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood. Parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory and relationships, we carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.
After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults they often fear that their own marriage will not survive. And in fact, the divorce rate for "children of divorce" is higher than for those whose parents stay together. So, do your children a favor and continue to work on your marriage.
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you'll think again. Divorce, unlike death, does not end the partners' contact with each other. Most end up living in the same city, especially if children are involved. And your disagreements about how to raise children will continue.
Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 percent of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living. One wife said, "Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money." The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. So do yourself a favor call a counselor, read a book, or reach out to a pastor. Your marriage is worth it.
Adapted from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.
Whatever you do, don't give up on your marriage.
I know that if you are in a deeply troubled marriage, you may feel that you only have two options: stay in the marriage and be miserable, or divorce and hope for something better. There is a third alternative. Try the power of unconditional love. Few people can resist love when it is expressed in the right language.
Should you stay in a marriage for the sake of the children?
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood. Parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory and relationships, we carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.
After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults they often fear that their own marriage will not survive. And in fact, the divorce rate for "children of divorce" is higher than for those whose parents stay together. So, do your children a favor and continue to work on your marriage.
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you'll think again. Divorce, unlike death, does not end the partners' contact with each other. Most end up living in the same city, especially if children are involved. And your disagreements about how to raise children will continue.
Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 percent of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living. One wife said, "Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money." The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. So do yourself a favor call a counselor, read a book, or reach out to a pastor. Your marriage is worth it.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Protecting Your Marriage
Ten Tips for Protecting Your Cross-Cultural Marriage
Despite the stressors and disappointments in your cross-cultural marriage, if you desire God's gifts for your marriage, He promises you a more excellent way (1 Corinthians 12:31). As you and your spouse attend to the following ten tips, I am convinced that you will see each other and your marriage the way God sees it – a vessel of honor:
1. Prioritize your spiritual identity as a Christ follower over your cultural identity.
2. Prioritize understanding over judging.
3. Do not minimize what your spouse maximizes. (If your spouse thinks it is important, it is!)
4. Everything important to you should be explained to your spouse rather than assumed.
5. Honor and value your spouse's parents and extended family.
6. Negotiate boundaries with your extended families that are acceptable to each of you. (Caution: In a healthy marriage, parental loyalty should never exceed spousal loyalty.)
7. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. (Grace asks that you assume the best of your spouse rather than the worst.)
8. Embrace your identity as a cross-cultural person. (Value the fact that you represent the fusion of two cultures that enhances your perspective.)
9. Integrate elements of your respective cultures in your daily living (e.g. food, language).
10. Pray daily for the wisdom, grace and patience necessary to treat your spouse with trust and respect.
Copyright © 2008, Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Despite the stressors and disappointments in your cross-cultural marriage, if you desire God's gifts for your marriage, He promises you a more excellent way (1 Corinthians 12:31). As you and your spouse attend to the following ten tips, I am convinced that you will see each other and your marriage the way God sees it – a vessel of honor:
1. Prioritize your spiritual identity as a Christ follower over your cultural identity.
2. Prioritize understanding over judging.
3. Do not minimize what your spouse maximizes. (If your spouse thinks it is important, it is!)
4. Everything important to you should be explained to your spouse rather than assumed.
5. Honor and value your spouse's parents and extended family.
6. Negotiate boundaries with your extended families that are acceptable to each of you. (Caution: In a healthy marriage, parental loyalty should never exceed spousal loyalty.)
7. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. (Grace asks that you assume the best of your spouse rather than the worst.)
8. Embrace your identity as a cross-cultural person. (Value the fact that you represent the fusion of two cultures that enhances your perspective.)
9. Integrate elements of your respective cultures in your daily living (e.g. food, language).
10. Pray daily for the wisdom, grace and patience necessary to treat your spouse with trust and respect.
Copyright © 2008, Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
When It's Hard to Forgive
Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you're thinking, "I just can't forgive this person for what he's done to me. It's too painful to deal with. He's done it too many times. He's hurt me too deeply."
But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13 NKJV). It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes.
It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength.
God's Love—and Lorna's
Several years ago, I met a dear woman named Lorna Wilkinson, whose husband had brought a great deal of discord and mistrust into their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and his condition had worsened over the years, bringing with it all the turmoil that tends to accompany substance abuse: financial pressure, irresponsibility, the chaos of never being able to depend on him, never knowing if he'd be where he said he would.
Finally Lorna decided that she had been through enough. She came to the conclusion that divorce was the only way out, the best way she knew to salvage what remained of her life.
So she took the step. She filed all the paperwork, asked him to leave, and prepared to move on.
She was not yet a believer. But providentially, right at that critical juncture in her life, she "happened" to tune in to a "Revive Our Hearts" radio program, when I was teaching about forgiveness. Her heart was gripped as she learned of the incredible forgiveness God offers through Christ, the way He deals with our sin by perfectly releasing us, thus enabling us to extend the same kind of forgiveness to others.
Day after day, this needy woman continued to listen to the broadcast, her thirsty heart drinking in the truth of the Word. Within a short period of time, her eyes had been opened and she was brought to faith in Christ.
But her divorce was still moving forward ... until the day her phone rang. It was her husband, saying he was sick.
"At the time, I was still frustrated and angry to some degree," she admits. "I said, 'Why are you calling me? Why don't you call 911?'"
He did. Just in time. Her husband was having a heart attack.
Extended family began to gather at the hospital, not sure if he was going to make it. Part of her wanted to be done with him, but somewhere in the depths of her heart, the Lord seemed to be saying, "Go whisper in your husband's ear that he doesn't have to worry about a place to live. Tell him he can come home."
That day, amid a tangle of tubes and wires and other life-saving devices, Lorna gave her husband the most revitalizing gift of all: the gift of forgiveness.
By God's grace, he did recover. He came home. He was a changed man. Miraculously, he no longer had the urge to smoke or drink. He landed a full-time job and began working faithfully to provide for his family. Newfound love entered their home, a desire to pray and worship, a focus on lasting priorities. There were flowers, postcards, candlelit dinners. Everything.
Early in the process of restoration, there were moments when those old feelings would flood back in Lorna's heart. "Lord, I can't do this," she would cry out in prayer. "I cannot love him the way You intended me to love. But I am asking You, Lord, to give me Your love, to just let it flow through me to this man."
And God's love slowly began to melt the awful memories. One by one, she began entering into each of those descriptive phrases in 1 Corinthians 13—"Love is patient and kind ... does not insist on its own way ... rejoices with the truth ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
As God's love began to fill their home, Lorna and her husband started to experience the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of but had given up hope of ever having. In fact, four months after they were reconciled, Lorna's husband woke her early one morning to say, "I now know that a man should love his wife the way God has loved us. I want to tell you, Lorna, at this moment, I love you that way."
These were the last words she would ever hear from his lips.
Within hours, a second massive heart attack took him home to be with the Lord. Imagine where Lorna and her children might be today if she had chosen the logical way, the natural way, the vengeful way—the bitter path of unforgiveness.
Imagine the lives that would still be in shambles, the regrets that would have lingered for a lifetime.
"Do not give up on your marriage," she urged the listeners in an interview. "Do not give up on your spouse. Take it to the Lord in prayer and always remember: What you are not able to do for yourself, He will do it for you and in you."
Resulting Peace
Certainly, not every marriage is remedied the way Lorna's was, even by forgiveness. But even when you can't see the results—though the situation may not clear up entirely or get any better at all—you can still know that you've done what God has required of you. You can continue to forgive as His grace and love flow through you. And you can walk in peace—His peace.
Adapted from Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. By Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill. Copyright © 2006 by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission.
Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you're thinking, "I just can't forgive this person for what he's done to me. It's too painful to deal with. He's done it too many times. He's hurt me too deeply."
But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13 NKJV). It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes.
It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength.
God's Love—and Lorna's
Several years ago, I met a dear woman named Lorna Wilkinson, whose husband had brought a great deal of discord and mistrust into their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and his condition had worsened over the years, bringing with it all the turmoil that tends to accompany substance abuse: financial pressure, irresponsibility, the chaos of never being able to depend on him, never knowing if he'd be where he said he would.
Finally Lorna decided that she had been through enough. She came to the conclusion that divorce was the only way out, the best way she knew to salvage what remained of her life.
So she took the step. She filed all the paperwork, asked him to leave, and prepared to move on.
She was not yet a believer. But providentially, right at that critical juncture in her life, she "happened" to tune in to a "Revive Our Hearts" radio program, when I was teaching about forgiveness. Her heart was gripped as she learned of the incredible forgiveness God offers through Christ, the way He deals with our sin by perfectly releasing us, thus enabling us to extend the same kind of forgiveness to others.
Day after day, this needy woman continued to listen to the broadcast, her thirsty heart drinking in the truth of the Word. Within a short period of time, her eyes had been opened and she was brought to faith in Christ.
But her divorce was still moving forward ... until the day her phone rang. It was her husband, saying he was sick.
"At the time, I was still frustrated and angry to some degree," she admits. "I said, 'Why are you calling me? Why don't you call 911?'"
He did. Just in time. Her husband was having a heart attack.
Extended family began to gather at the hospital, not sure if he was going to make it. Part of her wanted to be done with him, but somewhere in the depths of her heart, the Lord seemed to be saying, "Go whisper in your husband's ear that he doesn't have to worry about a place to live. Tell him he can come home."
That day, amid a tangle of tubes and wires and other life-saving devices, Lorna gave her husband the most revitalizing gift of all: the gift of forgiveness.
By God's grace, he did recover. He came home. He was a changed man. Miraculously, he no longer had the urge to smoke or drink. He landed a full-time job and began working faithfully to provide for his family. Newfound love entered their home, a desire to pray and worship, a focus on lasting priorities. There were flowers, postcards, candlelit dinners. Everything.
Early in the process of restoration, there were moments when those old feelings would flood back in Lorna's heart. "Lord, I can't do this," she would cry out in prayer. "I cannot love him the way You intended me to love. But I am asking You, Lord, to give me Your love, to just let it flow through me to this man."
And God's love slowly began to melt the awful memories. One by one, she began entering into each of those descriptive phrases in 1 Corinthians 13—"Love is patient and kind ... does not insist on its own way ... rejoices with the truth ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
As God's love began to fill their home, Lorna and her husband started to experience the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of but had given up hope of ever having. In fact, four months after they were reconciled, Lorna's husband woke her early one morning to say, "I now know that a man should love his wife the way God has loved us. I want to tell you, Lorna, at this moment, I love you that way."
These were the last words she would ever hear from his lips.
Within hours, a second massive heart attack took him home to be with the Lord. Imagine where Lorna and her children might be today if she had chosen the logical way, the natural way, the vengeful way—the bitter path of unforgiveness.
Imagine the lives that would still be in shambles, the regrets that would have lingered for a lifetime.
"Do not give up on your marriage," she urged the listeners in an interview. "Do not give up on your spouse. Take it to the Lord in prayer and always remember: What you are not able to do for yourself, He will do it for you and in you."
Resulting Peace
Certainly, not every marriage is remedied the way Lorna's was, even by forgiveness. But even when you can't see the results—though the situation may not clear up entirely or get any better at all—you can still know that you've done what God has required of you. You can continue to forgive as His grace and love flow through you. And you can walk in peace—His peace.
Adapted from Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. By Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill. Copyright © 2006 by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A New Years Day Tradition
One of the best ideas I have ever heard came a few years ago via a radio program I was listening too. The speaker was discussing leaving a Godly legacy for your children and he mentioned that each new years day he sits down to write a hand written letter to each of his children. I thought this was a novel idea and so I began doing the same every January 1. It has been a few years now since I have started and each year I have compiled letters to my son and wife. They are personal letters recalling the events of the past year, truths I want to impart to my son, and special memories I want remembered. each letter is unique and personal. The letters are kept in a safe deposit box and they will be opened after I die. It is one way that I can leave a legacy to my children and wife, let them know how much I love them and give them an opportunity to recall life events we shared together- things my son will not even recall at his young age. This year I have the privilege of writing an additional letter- to my daughter.
This has proven to be a special time for me each new years day and it is something I highly recommend for each father or mother out there. Take some time and write a hand-written note to your children and wife- it is not too late to start. It will be a rich experience and one additional way you can pass on a Godly legacy.
This has proven to be a special time for me each new years day and it is something I highly recommend for each father or mother out there. Take some time and write a hand-written note to your children and wife- it is not too late to start. It will be a rich experience and one additional way you can pass on a Godly legacy.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Moving at Break Neck Speed
When I take a moment to stop, however, and look at what consumes my life it gets even more discouraging. It seems that in my pursuit to keep up I have busied myself with insignificant pursuits. I have made decisions with my time without regard to what God has called me to do and be about. Putting it all together it makes no sense. I am running at break neck speed to pursue things that will not last- often to the detriment of more eternal pursuits. 1 Corinthians
As I have reflected on this truth I have been challenged to assess the activity of my life compared to what I know the purpose of my life to be. I have some priorities that need to be changed- do you?
Friday, November 07, 2008
Friends- They Key to Adolescent Success?
I have spent several years working with adolescents. From being a youth pastor to a professional counselor who devotes much of his practice to youth, adolescents have been a significant part of my professional work. I even have a degree in youth ministry (adolescent education). Recently I was reflecting on what it takes to help teens navigate through the challenges of adolescents. There are many keys, but I have come to believe that outside of a relationship with Christ the most vital key to an adolescents success depends on his friends. Certainly a relationship with Christ is vital, and loving, supportive parents are tremendously important, but as I reflected on all of the teens I have worked with it is the company they keep which seems to determine their ability to navigate adolescents unscathed. The teen can have supportive parents, profess a relationship with Christ, but if they choose the wrong companions the teenage years can be wrought with trouble. This is because teens are at a stage in life where peer acceptance is at a climax. They are seeking to become independent and in that desire they will break from their parents values and ideals and go with the values and ideals their friends espouse.
Knowing this there are two important steps I want to highlight that parents can take to help ensure their child does not succumb to the pressures of adolescents. One, make your home a place where teens want to be. This does not mean you have to have every latest gadget, but when your child's friends are in your home create an environment that is welcoming and pressure free. Give them the freedom to enjoy themselves while you watch from a safe distance. A child who feels like his parents are getting into his business will not bring his friends around. Teens do not want to hear their parents voice every time they have a friend over. Be sensitive to your requests and corrections in front of your child's friends. If they are embarrassed you can be sure you will not be seeing much of your child's friends and your child will do everything they can to stay away as well. You must be involved in their lives, but give them the space to figure out who they are. This is a delicate balance, but one that is vital for helping your teen through adolescents.
Two, Pray! Whether you have a teen now or the teenage years are several years away you can begin now by praying. James reminds us that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16). The challenges that teens are facing today are enormous. I am amazed at the changes in culture in just the time I have been out of high school. It is startling and scary! Prayer is the parents most effective tool in combating the challenges of the teenage years and whether your child is in the midst of these years or is several years away begin now by seeking the face of God.
If you want additional help and resources in helping your teen navigate adolescents call Reeves to schedule an appointment. 843.662.2021, ext 1.
Knowing this there are two important steps I want to highlight that parents can take to help ensure their child does not succumb to the pressures of adolescents. One, make your home a place where teens want to be. This does not mean you have to have every latest gadget, but when your child's friends are in your home create an environment that is welcoming and pressure free. Give them the freedom to enjoy themselves while you watch from a safe distance. A child who feels like his parents are getting into his business will not bring his friends around. Teens do not want to hear their parents voice every time they have a friend over. Be sensitive to your requests and corrections in front of your child's friends. If they are embarrassed you can be sure you will not be seeing much of your child's friends and your child will do everything they can to stay away as well. You must be involved in their lives, but give them the space to figure out who they are. This is a delicate balance, but one that is vital for helping your teen through adolescents.
Two, Pray! Whether you have a teen now or the teenage years are several years away you can begin now by praying. James reminds us that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16). The challenges that teens are facing today are enormous. I am amazed at the changes in culture in just the time I have been out of high school. It is startling and scary! Prayer is the parents most effective tool in combating the challenges of the teenage years and whether your child is in the midst of these years or is several years away begin now by seeking the face of God.
If you want additional help and resources in helping your teen navigate adolescents call Reeves to schedule an appointment. 843.662.2021, ext 1.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Two thumbs UP!
My wife and I were able to go see the movie Fireproof this weekend. What a great movie! I was a little concerned that it would be another low budget, "cheesy" movie with the same basic storyline of a troubled marriage being saved. Man, it was so much more! I was challenged, convicted and encouraged. If you are married or thinking about getting married this movie is a must see! It will convict you and inspire you all at the same time.
For those who have seen other movies created and produced by this company, such as Facing the Giants, you know that the acting is not A-list Hollywood. Let me say that the acting in this movie is far and away better than the acting in other movies this company has produced, but this is not a movie that you go too because you want to see an actor or actress perform well. This movie depicts real life, and it will speak to you. Make it a priority this week to set a date with your spouse to see this movie. Your marriage will reap the benefits! If I could think of a more emphatic way to tell you to go see this movie I would! Simply, please, GO!
For those who have seen other movies created and produced by this company, such as Facing the Giants, you know that the acting is not A-list Hollywood. Let me say that the acting in this movie is far and away better than the acting in other movies this company has produced, but this is not a movie that you go too because you want to see an actor or actress perform well. This movie depicts real life, and it will speak to you. Make it a priority this week to set a date with your spouse to see this movie. Your marriage will reap the benefits! If I could think of a more emphatic way to tell you to go see this movie I would! Simply, please, GO!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Understanding the Love of Your Life
Many of you have asked when I am going to do another Marriage seminar in the area. Well, you will not have to wait long. October 24th and 25th at Bay Branch Free Will Baptist Church in Timmonsville, SC I will be teaching again on the subject of personality and marriage. The conference- called Understanding the Love of Your Life (designed by Walk Thru the Bible)- is fun, energetic, and powerful. You will walk away with tremendous insight into your unique personality style and the style of your mate. Armed with this knowledge, and the Biblical understanding Walk Thru the Bible is famous for you will come away with a weekend of significant marital growth. To sign up email me at reeves@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Lessons from a Child
Have you ever had one of those moments? A moment where you are innocently playing or reading with your child when all of a sudden you are taught something only a child can teach you?
My son and I were reading one of his favorite Bible stories- David and Goliath. In the particular children's Bible we were reading from that day, the story ended with a simple question: What did you learn? As I read the answer written on the page I was once again reminded of God's impeccable timing and ability. God knew the message I needed to hear that day and He used a childrens book and my three year old son to teach me. When I sat down to read the story I never thought God had something for me. I mean, while I do not in any way profess to be a Bible scholar, I have been to Bible college and seminary, what can a childrens story teach me about Scripture? Heck, I have even been to the mountain in Israel where David and Goliath fought. Yet it took this childrens book to remind me of a great truth that is vital for all of us?
As I was wrestling with the challenges of the day and week I was reminded, as it was written in bold letters, "No problem is too big for God." What a simple, but profound statement. A statement that was written for a child, yet fitting for adult-size problems- your problems and mine!
All of us have struggles as we navigate this life of depravity, yet we must remind ourselves that "No problem is too big for God." Whether it is a deep Bible study that teaches you this truth or a simple childrens story do not let this truth escape you as you continue the journey!
My son and I were reading one of his favorite Bible stories- David and Goliath. In the particular children's Bible we were reading from that day, the story ended with a simple question: What did you learn? As I read the answer written on the page I was once again reminded of God's impeccable timing and ability. God knew the message I needed to hear that day and He used a childrens book and my three year old son to teach me. When I sat down to read the story I never thought God had something for me. I mean, while I do not in any way profess to be a Bible scholar, I have been to Bible college and seminary, what can a childrens story teach me about Scripture? Heck, I have even been to the mountain in Israel where David and Goliath fought. Yet it took this childrens book to remind me of a great truth that is vital for all of us?
As I was wrestling with the challenges of the day and week I was reminded, as it was written in bold letters, "No problem is too big for God." What a simple, but profound statement. A statement that was written for a child, yet fitting for adult-size problems- your problems and mine!
All of us have struggles as we navigate this life of depravity, yet we must remind ourselves that "No problem is too big for God." Whether it is a deep Bible study that teaches you this truth or a simple childrens story do not let this truth escape you as you continue the journey!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
An Extraordinary Example
Many of you are familiar with the testimony of Robertson McQuilkin. Dr. McQuilkin is the former president of Columbia International University who resigned his position to care for his ailing wife, Muriel. The last four days Family Life Today has highlighted the testimony of Robertson and Muriel. Whether you know the story well or have never heard it before I encourage you to listen to the broadcast with your spouse. Use it as a catalyst for your own discussion about marriage, commitment and life. It will be a great source of encouragement and intimacy for you and your spouse as you listen to the broadcast. The titles of the broadcast are titled: My Decision Part 1 and Part 2, What God has Done, and Our Future.
Click here to listen
Click here to listen
Friday, August 08, 2008
Being a Dad to Your Daughter
My wife and I were recently strolling through a bookstore when I came across an interesting title from Dennis Rainey- Interviewing Your Daughters Date. It immediately caught my attention as we are expecting our first daughter in December. Yes, maybe you can say I am a little nervous or paranoid, but I remember my thoughts when I was dating (and I was interested in doing it the right way). As the studies show, teenage boys think about sex every seven seconds! Others will remind us that they lie about the other six seconds. When you are the father of a son you have to worry about one boy, when you are the father of a daughter you have to worry about EVERY BOY! There are unique responsibilities to being a father of each sex and one of the responsibilities I, along with each of you dads have, is to guard your daughters heart. My intent in this BLOG is to highlight Interviewing Your Daughters Date so that you will read it and act upon its words of wisdom. I will do this by highlighting a few thoughts that sobered me and reminded me of a not so long ago time when I was dating my wife.
Dennis opens the book with a not so subtle reminder for us Dad's. He writes, "There was a day- it doesn't seem that long ago- when this dating stuff was the furthest thing from her mind, back when her only plans for Saturday night were for us to run barefoot together in the mowed grass, playing freeze tag and catching fireflies. But it turns out I wasn't the only one who would discover how much fun she is to be around. This little girl I took to magical places in bedtime stories and amazed with tooth fairy notes now has other male voices telling her things a girl likes to hear. This is when a dad who's never met a monster he couldn't slay suddenly feels weak and alone."
Talk about a sobering thought! Your cute little "princess" all of a sudden being interested in guys. Ouch! You may be a dad whose daughters are already dating or you may be fifteen or more years away from your daughters first date, but the day is coming, and Dad's we have a responsibility to protect our daughters! In this politically correct age it may not seem right to you that you would "infringe" on your daughter or some young man who wants to date your daughter, but we must. Dennis writes, " Men, the bottom line is this: God made dads to protect their daughters. And one of the ways we can do this is by checking out and qualifying the young men who want to date them."
There are two illustrations in the book which reminded me of this great responsibility- even if it is a difficult and intimidating task to undertake.
The first illustration comes from a man named Steve. Steve, looking at his daughters date asks the young man this question, "Do you know what stewardship is? You see, we don't own Susie and Emily, (his daughters) we (him and his wife) are stewards of them. And by letting you take them on a date we are transferring that stewardship for an evening." What a great biblical picture of our responsibility!
The second illustration come from Dennis himself. Dennis describes putting all of his families important papers in a neat stack on a table- marriage certificate, house deed, diplomas, investment and bank statements, honors and awards, etc. He then writes, "with my hands still resting on that pile of papers, I looked Luke squarely in the eye and said, "Tell me, Luke, what's the most valuable thing on this porch? I'll never forget Luke's face. His eyes were on those papers. Then they began to dart back and forth between that pile, Rebecca, and me. And with a less than confident answer, he said, Rebecca? I affirmed his answer and then went on to share with him that if she was that valuable, then he and I needed to have a little conversation. With that I excused Rebecca."
Now, admittedly, reading of this encounter outside the context of the book you think this guy is a jerk who is just about playing a power trip on any guy brave enough to ask one of his daughters on a date. I can assure, that is not the case. Dennis understands the enormous responsibility we have. He highlights in this short book the great balance between being firm and to the point with showing love and grace to the young man. He states," The interview is never meant to be heavy-handed. It's not about an egotistical dad trying to make a teenage boy feel small. It's a time when a real man reaches out to engage a younger man in a noble conversation about a young lady." Dads, the question still remains for us, are we going to be obedient to the God given responsibility we have to our daughters?
Dennis also talks about the many benefits this type of "manning up" results in. He discusses the great rapport, respect and healthy relationship you develop with the young man who dates your daughter. He also reminds us that this type of fathering results in your daughter feeling respected and loved which encourages her to remain faithful. It is also a great teaching tool for your sons as they watch you (how to be a noble steward of your son is an entirely different discussion, but equally important.)
There are so many other great lessons in this short book, but I want to encourage you to read it for yourself. The bottom line is this: Dad you have a responsibility before the Lord to protect your son and daughter. This is one way you must protect your daughter and you must not let intimidation or politically correct thought deter you from doing what is right-being a noble steward of your daughter!
Dennis opens the book with a not so subtle reminder for us Dad's. He writes, "There was a day- it doesn't seem that long ago- when this dating stuff was the furthest thing from her mind, back when her only plans for Saturday night were for us to run barefoot together in the mowed grass, playing freeze tag and catching fireflies. But it turns out I wasn't the only one who would discover how much fun she is to be around. This little girl I took to magical places in bedtime stories and amazed with tooth fairy notes now has other male voices telling her things a girl likes to hear. This is when a dad who's never met a monster he couldn't slay suddenly feels weak and alone."
Talk about a sobering thought! Your cute little "princess" all of a sudden being interested in guys. Ouch! You may be a dad whose daughters are already dating or you may be fifteen or more years away from your daughters first date, but the day is coming, and Dad's we have a responsibility to protect our daughters! In this politically correct age it may not seem right to you that you would "infringe" on your daughter or some young man who wants to date your daughter, but we must. Dennis writes, " Men, the bottom line is this: God made dads to protect their daughters. And one of the ways we can do this is by checking out and qualifying the young men who want to date them."
There are two illustrations in the book which reminded me of this great responsibility- even if it is a difficult and intimidating task to undertake.
The first illustration comes from a man named Steve. Steve, looking at his daughters date asks the young man this question, "Do you know what stewardship is? You see, we don't own Susie and Emily, (his daughters) we (him and his wife) are stewards of them. And by letting you take them on a date we are transferring that stewardship for an evening." What a great biblical picture of our responsibility!
The second illustration come from Dennis himself. Dennis describes putting all of his families important papers in a neat stack on a table- marriage certificate, house deed, diplomas, investment and bank statements, honors and awards, etc. He then writes, "with my hands still resting on that pile of papers, I looked Luke squarely in the eye and said, "Tell me, Luke, what's the most valuable thing on this porch? I'll never forget Luke's face. His eyes were on those papers. Then they began to dart back and forth between that pile, Rebecca, and me. And with a less than confident answer, he said, Rebecca? I affirmed his answer and then went on to share with him that if she was that valuable, then he and I needed to have a little conversation. With that I excused Rebecca."
Now, admittedly, reading of this encounter outside the context of the book you think this guy is a jerk who is just about playing a power trip on any guy brave enough to ask one of his daughters on a date. I can assure, that is not the case. Dennis understands the enormous responsibility we have. He highlights in this short book the great balance between being firm and to the point with showing love and grace to the young man. He states," The interview is never meant to be heavy-handed. It's not about an egotistical dad trying to make a teenage boy feel small. It's a time when a real man reaches out to engage a younger man in a noble conversation about a young lady." Dads, the question still remains for us, are we going to be obedient to the God given responsibility we have to our daughters?
Dennis also talks about the many benefits this type of "manning up" results in. He discusses the great rapport, respect and healthy relationship you develop with the young man who dates your daughter. He also reminds us that this type of fathering results in your daughter feeling respected and loved which encourages her to remain faithful. It is also a great teaching tool for your sons as they watch you (how to be a noble steward of your son is an entirely different discussion, but equally important.)
There are so many other great lessons in this short book, but I want to encourage you to read it for yourself. The bottom line is this: Dad you have a responsibility before the Lord to protect your son and daughter. This is one way you must protect your daughter and you must not let intimidation or politically correct thought deter you from doing what is right-being a noble steward of your daughter!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Excellent Opportunity to Grow Your Marriage
Greetings!
I have recently had the opportunity to receive training with Walk Thru the Bible. Walk Thru the Bible is an excellent organization whose mission is to contribute to the spiritual growth of Christians worldwide through Bible teaching, tools and training. Walk Thru has been accomplishing this mission for over 30 years!
This is where you come in. I am hosting a "private" Marriage Seminar on September 12th and 13th at the Church at Sandhurst. This seminar is only for those of you who received an email about the event or read about it on my BLOG. It is not available to the general public. As an Associate Instructor with Walk Thru the Bible I am required to host a seminar to a small group before I begin taking this seminar to other churches and community organizations. I am asking for you to attend the seminar to grow your marriage and support me. You will not be disappointed!
The seminar is titled "Understanding the Love of Your Life" and it is designed to give you insight into the intimate details of your own unique marriage relationship and to help blossom a fresh sense of true appreciation for the strengths your mate brings to your marriage. The cost of the seminar is $34.00 per couple. This is a reduced price. I am only covering the cost of your materials in this price. You will receive a conference notebook and refreshments throughout the seminar. Dinner will not be served Friday night. To learn more information about the seminar visit the conference information page by clicking here.
I understand that this is the third week of the college football season. Football fans, you will not miss any action! The seminar will start on Friday at 6:30 PM and end at 9:00 PM. You will return Saturday morning at 9:00 AM and we will wrap the seminar up by 11:45AM- just in time for a 12:00 PM kickoff (Clemson plays NC State at 12:00 PM and Carolina plays Georgia at 3:30)!
Please plan to attend this exciting, fun and growth filled time with your spouse. Childcare is provided at no additional charge. Advanced registration is required for all attendee's so please let me know ASAP if you are planning to attend. Attendance is secured with your payment. You can mail all registration checks to 2112 Gable Ridge Dr. Florence, SC 29501, or give me the check in person. Checks are made payable to Reeves Cannon. To register download the registration sheet attached to this email.
If you have any questions please respond to this email or call me at 843-676-5996.
Looking forward to impacting our marriages together- for the Kingdom of God!
Reeves
I have recently had the opportunity to receive training with Walk Thru the Bible. Walk Thru the Bible is an excellent organization whose mission is to contribute to the spiritual growth of Christians worldwide through Bible teaching, tools and training. Walk Thru has been accomplishing this mission for over 30 years!
This is where you come in. I am hosting a "private" Marriage Seminar on September 12th and 13th at the Church at Sandhurst. This seminar is only for those of you who received an email about the event or read about it on my BLOG. It is not available to the general public. As an Associate Instructor with Walk Thru the Bible I am required to host a seminar to a small group before I begin taking this seminar to other churches and community organizations. I am asking for you to attend the seminar to grow your marriage and support me. You will not be disappointed!
The seminar is titled "Understanding the Love of Your Life" and it is designed to give you insight into the intimate details of your own unique marriage relationship and to help blossom a fresh sense of true appreciation for the strengths your mate brings to your marriage. The cost of the seminar is $34.00 per couple. This is a reduced price. I am only covering the cost of your materials in this price. You will receive a conference notebook and refreshments throughout the seminar. Dinner will not be served Friday night. To learn more information about the seminar visit the conference information page by clicking here.
I understand that this is the third week of the college football season. Football fans, you will not miss any action! The seminar will start on Friday at 6:30 PM and end at 9:00 PM. You will return Saturday morning at 9:00 AM and we will wrap the seminar up by 11:45AM- just in time for a 12:00 PM kickoff (Clemson plays NC State at 12:00 PM and Carolina plays Georgia at 3:30)!
Please plan to attend this exciting, fun and growth filled time with your spouse. Childcare is provided at no additional charge. Advanced registration is required for all attendee's so please let me know ASAP if you are planning to attend. Attendance is secured with your payment. You can mail all registration checks to 2112 Gable Ridge Dr. Florence, SC 29501, or give me the check in person. Checks are made payable to Reeves Cannon. To register download the registration sheet attached to this email.
If you have any questions please respond to this email or call me at 843-676-5996.
Looking forward to impacting our marriages together- for the Kingdom of God!
Reeves
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