The Mother-in-Law / Daughter-in-Law Relationship

I posted yesterday about the delicate balance a young couple must have between the time they spend with their parents and siblings and the time they spend establishing new family traditions. During the Christmas season these issues only increase and therefore they need to be considered. Another interesting dynamic that needs to be considered is the Mother-in-law / Daughter-in-law relationship. The Focus on the Family broadcast has devoted the last two days of their daily broadcast to this subject. The guest for these two shows is Annie Chapman (singer and songwriter). She has recently written a book titled: The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? I have listened to the broadcasts the past two days and I recommend you click on the link if you believe this subject may be of benefit to you.
When you click on the Link you will need to find the appropriate broadcast. The dates for the broadcast are November 27, 2006 and November 28, 2006. The title of the broadcasts are: The Delicate Mother-in-Law Relationship, 1. and The Delicate Mother-in-Law Relationship, 2.
Enjoy!

EXTENDED FAMILIES AND THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

One of the most difficult challenges any young couple faces is how to balance creating new family traditions with the traditions their family of origin established during their childhood years. There is a delicate balance to keep, unique to each couple, and the potential for conflict is enormous if the young couple is not prepared.

As the Christmas season approaches these challenges only grow stronger. It is imperative, as a young couple, to communicate clearly so that when the Christmas season approaches you are already on the same page. If you find yourself in a position where these challenges await you here are six steps you can take to ensure a smooth Christmas season with both your new spouse and your new extended family.
1. Communicate with your spouse
Most young couples fail to recognize the issues which present themselves during the Christmas season. Both may assume that it is their (former) family which they will spend the day with, and only a few days before Christmas does the issue present itself. It is imperative to discuss your plans many weeks in advance and to come to an agreed upon plan for how you will balance the Christmas season with the extended families.
2. Communicate your plans in advance.
Once you and your spouse have agreed upon a suitable plan, communicate it to the other extended family members. It is never a good idea to call the mother-in-law Christmas morning to tell her that her "baby"...your husband... will not be sharing the day with them. This only creates more tension to an already potentially stressful season.
3. Remember, you are a unique couple.
Another area where young couples get themselves into trouble is by thinking they have to have the same plans as their siblings. You are a unique couple. Your needs and your desires will not be the same as that of your siblings. Just because one sibling plans to spend the day one way does not mean that you must fall in line.
4. Recognize your new allegiance.
Genesis 2:24 reminds us of God's purpose for marriage: "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." You are no longer under the authority of your parents. The day you said "I DO" is the day your allegiance shifted from your parents to your spouse. There will always be times in a young couple’s life where they feel their parents are "being thrown under the bus". The tendency will be to fight for their rights, but you must refuse that urge and fight for your marriage.
5. Take small steps.
You may not know, as a young couple, what type of boundaries you need to establish. Don't bite off too much the first Christmas. Communicate clearly with your spouse, set some reasonable expectations and reevaluate shortly after the season. Maybe you will find that you did not allow for enough extended family time, or maybe it was too much. You and your spouse can decide that, but don't fret about getting it perfect the first time. Take small steps. Also, as your life changes so will your desires for extended family time. As children enter the picture you may want more or less family time. That is OK; just make sure that everyone is on the same page...well before it is time to show up with the sweet potatoes for Christmas dinner.
6. Evaluate your motives.
Once you have come up with the game plan, you must evaluate your motives. Why did you establish the boundaries you did? Are the motives pure or is it one more way to stick it that mother-in-law who always has something to say. Make sure that your plans are justifiable before a righteous God.

A Unique Reminder
There are as many family types as there are people. Each family is unique. You have some families that are enmeshed (into everyone's business), and some who are disengaged (What, Johnny has cancer? No one told me!). You have blended families and step-families. Each extended family presents unique strengths and areas of growth. You may deal with none of the issues described or you may be soaking up every word just so you can make it through this "dreadful" time of year. No matter where you find yourself, I encourage you to take time to pray for your families. Remember, they are a gift from God!

WHAT IS CHRISTIAN COUNSELING AND HOW DO I KNOW I AM GETTING COUNSEL FROM A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR?

While on the surface the term “Christian Counseling” seems self explanatory, the truth is that there is much debate about what is Christian counseling. This is a debate both within evangelical circles and outside. In this post, it is my aim to explain Christian counseling as I understand and practice it. I look forward to your responses so that we can learn together.

There are so many people calling themselves counselors today that it can be confusing when it comes time to find a counselor for yourself or a loved one. Hopefully, as you read this post, you will come to a greater understanding of what is and is not Christian counseling. In doing this you will be able to formulate questions to ask a potential counselor so that you receive the counsel you need and desire.

The first principle which characterizes a Christian counselor is his uncompromising belief that the Word of God is the foundation for all counsel. There are many competing psychological theories today. These range from the earliest theories postulated by Freud and his associates to more modern theories advanced by theorist in camps such as cognitive-behavioral and family systems. While each of these theories has distinct advantages and disadvantages, the Christian counselor never allows his particular theoretical orientation to carry more weight than the Word of God.

A second principle which characterizes Christian counselors is a commitment to the social sciences in areas where their claims do not contradict Scripture. This is easily the most controversial principle which marks a Christian counselor. On one side you have some Christians who totally discredit the social sciences, and on the other side you have counselors who call themselves “Christian” who, intentionally or unintentionally, elevate the advancements of social science above God’s Word. It is my position that both extremes are in error of God’s perfect plan. Certainly God’s Word provides us with answers to foundational questions such as “Who is man”, “What is man’s problem”, and “Where did man come from?”, but God did not intend for His Word to speak exhaustively to all issues of life.

There are a plethora of issues where both the social sciences and medical sciences aid in bringing healing to man. For example, while depression can certainly be a spiritual issue, science has made great strides in showing us how to help people who suffer with depression. Another example where social science aids the Christian counselor is in the area of life stage development. There are certain norms validated over time which characterize normal human development. Understanding these norms and integrating them in counseling help the counselor bring to light developmental issues which might explain the issues presently facing the client. Therefore, a Christian counselor is someone who, using the Bible as his grid, uses the advancements of social and medical sciences when they do not contradict Scripture.

The third foundational principle which marks a Christian counselor is the counselor’s commitment to a personal relationship and daily walk with Jesus Christ. While this may seem like a principle which can go unstated, I believe this characteristic is as vital as the previous two. If you, as a client, are seeking what you understand to be Christian counsel, yet your counselor is not walking with the Lord how do you expect to receive Christian counsel? While this principle is not as easily measured as the previous two, you, as the client have the right to inquire of your counselor as to his spiritual walk. To be honest, it is intimidating to walk into your counselor’s office, being in a vulnerable state, and ask tough questions of him, however always keep in mind that the counselor is not there for himself, but he is there to help you. You must be able to ask tough questions of your counselor to receive the counsel you deserve. You are placing a tremendous amount of trust and faith in him and if he is not walking with the Lord himself, his counsel to you is going to be less than it should be. An important point to remember is that you are essentially a consumer when you walk into your counselors’ office, and as a consumer you have the right to demand the best product available. If you are interested in “consuming” Christian counsel, yet your counselor is not walking with Christ your product will not be of the highest quality.

While the illustration above may seem harsh and certainly challenges how we perceive the counselor-client relationship it is important to view the relationship in this light. Always remember that a good counselor is more concerned with your well-being than his keeping you as a client. During the first session part of the objective should be for both of you to evaluate how well you match with each other…much like a first date. Just as with dating, there are certain people, no matter how good of a person (counselor) they are, that are not a good match for you. Be willing to voice that, as the consumer, if you believe this to be the case.

In addition to the three foundational principles of a Christian counselor there are five cores truths that shape a Christian counselor. I will simply state these as they are self-explanatory. These include:

1. A Christian counselor accepts the Bible as the final standard of authority.

2. A Christian counselor understands the nature of man from the perspective of

the Creator God.

3. A Christian counselor understands that change is not merely a human process. 4. A Christian counselor deals with the whole person (emotional, physical and spiritual) in the counseling office.

5. A Christian counselor has goals which are consistent with the eternal purposes of God.

Based on the above information I suggest you ask these questions of any counselor you meet with.

1. How much value do you place on God’s Word?

2. How do social/medical sciences impact your counseling?

3. What is your theoretical orientation, and how does that shape your counsel?

4. What value do you place in a personal, daily walk with Christ?

5. How are you practically living out your faith?

While this post is much more academic than I hope most of my posts to be, I did feel it necessary to explain my position from the outset. I hope that you found this article to be beneficial. Please, feel free to post comments, email me directly at reeves@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com. , or you may call me at 843-662-2021 to discuss this in more detail. If you did not find this blog via www.sandhurstchristiancounseling.com I invite you to check out this site as it gives you greater detail about the counseling ministry at the Church at Sandhurst.

Blessings!
Reeves