BLOG Readers:
I have exciting news! We are just about 6 weeks away from a great couples event at First Baptist Church in Florence. September 11th and 12th I will be speaking at their annual couples conference. I will teaching on relationships and personality. The conference is called "Understanding the Love of Your Life and it is an excellent conference that will give you and your mate lots of tools to help with your own marriage or serious dating relationship. Contact me to sign-up (or the church directly) and also check out the promo video for the conference. It is really cool!!!!!!! Click here for the video.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Still Feel Like Giving Up on Marriage?
By Gary Chapman.
Adapted from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.
Whatever you do, don't give up on your marriage.
I know that if you are in a deeply troubled marriage, you may feel that you only have two options: stay in the marriage and be miserable, or divorce and hope for something better. There is a third alternative. Try the power of unconditional love. Few people can resist love when it is expressed in the right language.
Should you stay in a marriage for the sake of the children?
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood. Parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory and relationships, we carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.
After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults they often fear that their own marriage will not survive. And in fact, the divorce rate for "children of divorce" is higher than for those whose parents stay together. So, do your children a favor and continue to work on your marriage.
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you'll think again. Divorce, unlike death, does not end the partners' contact with each other. Most end up living in the same city, especially if children are involved. And your disagreements about how to raise children will continue.
Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 percent of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living. One wife said, "Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money." The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. So do yourself a favor call a counselor, read a book, or reach out to a pastor. Your marriage is worth it.
Adapted from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.
Whatever you do, don't give up on your marriage.
I know that if you are in a deeply troubled marriage, you may feel that you only have two options: stay in the marriage and be miserable, or divorce and hope for something better. There is a third alternative. Try the power of unconditional love. Few people can resist love when it is expressed in the right language.
Should you stay in a marriage for the sake of the children?
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood. Parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory and relationships, we carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.
After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults they often fear that their own marriage will not survive. And in fact, the divorce rate for "children of divorce" is higher than for those whose parents stay together. So, do your children a favor and continue to work on your marriage.
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you'll think again. Divorce, unlike death, does not end the partners' contact with each other. Most end up living in the same city, especially if children are involved. And your disagreements about how to raise children will continue.
Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 percent of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living. One wife said, "Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money." The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. So do yourself a favor call a counselor, read a book, or reach out to a pastor. Your marriage is worth it.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Protecting Your Marriage
Ten Tips for Protecting Your Cross-Cultural Marriage
Despite the stressors and disappointments in your cross-cultural marriage, if you desire God's gifts for your marriage, He promises you a more excellent way (1 Corinthians 12:31). As you and your spouse attend to the following ten tips, I am convinced that you will see each other and your marriage the way God sees it – a vessel of honor:
1. Prioritize your spiritual identity as a Christ follower over your cultural identity.
2. Prioritize understanding over judging.
3. Do not minimize what your spouse maximizes. (If your spouse thinks it is important, it is!)
4. Everything important to you should be explained to your spouse rather than assumed.
5. Honor and value your spouse's parents and extended family.
6. Negotiate boundaries with your extended families that are acceptable to each of you. (Caution: In a healthy marriage, parental loyalty should never exceed spousal loyalty.)
7. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. (Grace asks that you assume the best of your spouse rather than the worst.)
8. Embrace your identity as a cross-cultural person. (Value the fact that you represent the fusion of two cultures that enhances your perspective.)
9. Integrate elements of your respective cultures in your daily living (e.g. food, language).
10. Pray daily for the wisdom, grace and patience necessary to treat your spouse with trust and respect.
Copyright © 2008, Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Despite the stressors and disappointments in your cross-cultural marriage, if you desire God's gifts for your marriage, He promises you a more excellent way (1 Corinthians 12:31). As you and your spouse attend to the following ten tips, I am convinced that you will see each other and your marriage the way God sees it – a vessel of honor:
1. Prioritize your spiritual identity as a Christ follower over your cultural identity.
2. Prioritize understanding over judging.
3. Do not minimize what your spouse maximizes. (If your spouse thinks it is important, it is!)
4. Everything important to you should be explained to your spouse rather than assumed.
5. Honor and value your spouse's parents and extended family.
6. Negotiate boundaries with your extended families that are acceptable to each of you. (Caution: In a healthy marriage, parental loyalty should never exceed spousal loyalty.)
7. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. (Grace asks that you assume the best of your spouse rather than the worst.)
8. Embrace your identity as a cross-cultural person. (Value the fact that you represent the fusion of two cultures that enhances your perspective.)
9. Integrate elements of your respective cultures in your daily living (e.g. food, language).
10. Pray daily for the wisdom, grace and patience necessary to treat your spouse with trust and respect.
Copyright © 2008, Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
When It's Hard to Forgive
Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you're thinking, "I just can't forgive this person for what he's done to me. It's too painful to deal with. He's done it too many times. He's hurt me too deeply."
But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13 NKJV). It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes.
It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength.
God's Love—and Lorna's
Several years ago, I met a dear woman named Lorna Wilkinson, whose husband had brought a great deal of discord and mistrust into their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and his condition had worsened over the years, bringing with it all the turmoil that tends to accompany substance abuse: financial pressure, irresponsibility, the chaos of never being able to depend on him, never knowing if he'd be where he said he would.
Finally Lorna decided that she had been through enough. She came to the conclusion that divorce was the only way out, the best way she knew to salvage what remained of her life.
So she took the step. She filed all the paperwork, asked him to leave, and prepared to move on.
She was not yet a believer. But providentially, right at that critical juncture in her life, she "happened" to tune in to a "Revive Our Hearts" radio program, when I was teaching about forgiveness. Her heart was gripped as she learned of the incredible forgiveness God offers through Christ, the way He deals with our sin by perfectly releasing us, thus enabling us to extend the same kind of forgiveness to others.
Day after day, this needy woman continued to listen to the broadcast, her thirsty heart drinking in the truth of the Word. Within a short period of time, her eyes had been opened and she was brought to faith in Christ.
But her divorce was still moving forward ... until the day her phone rang. It was her husband, saying he was sick.
"At the time, I was still frustrated and angry to some degree," she admits. "I said, 'Why are you calling me? Why don't you call 911?'"
He did. Just in time. Her husband was having a heart attack.
Extended family began to gather at the hospital, not sure if he was going to make it. Part of her wanted to be done with him, but somewhere in the depths of her heart, the Lord seemed to be saying, "Go whisper in your husband's ear that he doesn't have to worry about a place to live. Tell him he can come home."
That day, amid a tangle of tubes and wires and other life-saving devices, Lorna gave her husband the most revitalizing gift of all: the gift of forgiveness.
By God's grace, he did recover. He came home. He was a changed man. Miraculously, he no longer had the urge to smoke or drink. He landed a full-time job and began working faithfully to provide for his family. Newfound love entered their home, a desire to pray and worship, a focus on lasting priorities. There were flowers, postcards, candlelit dinners. Everything.
Early in the process of restoration, there were moments when those old feelings would flood back in Lorna's heart. "Lord, I can't do this," she would cry out in prayer. "I cannot love him the way You intended me to love. But I am asking You, Lord, to give me Your love, to just let it flow through me to this man."
And God's love slowly began to melt the awful memories. One by one, she began entering into each of those descriptive phrases in 1 Corinthians 13—"Love is patient and kind ... does not insist on its own way ... rejoices with the truth ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
As God's love began to fill their home, Lorna and her husband started to experience the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of but had given up hope of ever having. In fact, four months after they were reconciled, Lorna's husband woke her early one morning to say, "I now know that a man should love his wife the way God has loved us. I want to tell you, Lorna, at this moment, I love you that way."
These were the last words she would ever hear from his lips.
Within hours, a second massive heart attack took him home to be with the Lord. Imagine where Lorna and her children might be today if she had chosen the logical way, the natural way, the vengeful way—the bitter path of unforgiveness.
Imagine the lives that would still be in shambles, the regrets that would have lingered for a lifetime.
"Do not give up on your marriage," she urged the listeners in an interview. "Do not give up on your spouse. Take it to the Lord in prayer and always remember: What you are not able to do for yourself, He will do it for you and in you."
Resulting Peace
Certainly, not every marriage is remedied the way Lorna's was, even by forgiveness. But even when you can't see the results—though the situation may not clear up entirely or get any better at all—you can still know that you've done what God has required of you. You can continue to forgive as His grace and love flow through you. And you can walk in peace—His peace.
Adapted from Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. By Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill. Copyright © 2006 by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission.
Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you're thinking, "I just can't forgive this person for what he's done to me. It's too painful to deal with. He's done it too many times. He's hurt me too deeply."
But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13 NKJV). It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes.
It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength.
God's Love—and Lorna's
Several years ago, I met a dear woman named Lorna Wilkinson, whose husband had brought a great deal of discord and mistrust into their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and his condition had worsened over the years, bringing with it all the turmoil that tends to accompany substance abuse: financial pressure, irresponsibility, the chaos of never being able to depend on him, never knowing if he'd be where he said he would.
Finally Lorna decided that she had been through enough. She came to the conclusion that divorce was the only way out, the best way she knew to salvage what remained of her life.
So she took the step. She filed all the paperwork, asked him to leave, and prepared to move on.
She was not yet a believer. But providentially, right at that critical juncture in her life, she "happened" to tune in to a "Revive Our Hearts" radio program, when I was teaching about forgiveness. Her heart was gripped as she learned of the incredible forgiveness God offers through Christ, the way He deals with our sin by perfectly releasing us, thus enabling us to extend the same kind of forgiveness to others.
Day after day, this needy woman continued to listen to the broadcast, her thirsty heart drinking in the truth of the Word. Within a short period of time, her eyes had been opened and she was brought to faith in Christ.
But her divorce was still moving forward ... until the day her phone rang. It was her husband, saying he was sick.
"At the time, I was still frustrated and angry to some degree," she admits. "I said, 'Why are you calling me? Why don't you call 911?'"
He did. Just in time. Her husband was having a heart attack.
Extended family began to gather at the hospital, not sure if he was going to make it. Part of her wanted to be done with him, but somewhere in the depths of her heart, the Lord seemed to be saying, "Go whisper in your husband's ear that he doesn't have to worry about a place to live. Tell him he can come home."
That day, amid a tangle of tubes and wires and other life-saving devices, Lorna gave her husband the most revitalizing gift of all: the gift of forgiveness.
By God's grace, he did recover. He came home. He was a changed man. Miraculously, he no longer had the urge to smoke or drink. He landed a full-time job and began working faithfully to provide for his family. Newfound love entered their home, a desire to pray and worship, a focus on lasting priorities. There were flowers, postcards, candlelit dinners. Everything.
Early in the process of restoration, there were moments when those old feelings would flood back in Lorna's heart. "Lord, I can't do this," she would cry out in prayer. "I cannot love him the way You intended me to love. But I am asking You, Lord, to give me Your love, to just let it flow through me to this man."
And God's love slowly began to melt the awful memories. One by one, she began entering into each of those descriptive phrases in 1 Corinthians 13—"Love is patient and kind ... does not insist on its own way ... rejoices with the truth ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
As God's love began to fill their home, Lorna and her husband started to experience the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of but had given up hope of ever having. In fact, four months after they were reconciled, Lorna's husband woke her early one morning to say, "I now know that a man should love his wife the way God has loved us. I want to tell you, Lorna, at this moment, I love you that way."
These were the last words she would ever hear from his lips.
Within hours, a second massive heart attack took him home to be with the Lord. Imagine where Lorna and her children might be today if she had chosen the logical way, the natural way, the vengeful way—the bitter path of unforgiveness.
Imagine the lives that would still be in shambles, the regrets that would have lingered for a lifetime.
"Do not give up on your marriage," she urged the listeners in an interview. "Do not give up on your spouse. Take it to the Lord in prayer and always remember: What you are not able to do for yourself, He will do it for you and in you."
Resulting Peace
Certainly, not every marriage is remedied the way Lorna's was, even by forgiveness. But even when you can't see the results—though the situation may not clear up entirely or get any better at all—you can still know that you've done what God has required of you. You can continue to forgive as His grace and love flow through you. And you can walk in peace—His peace.
Adapted from Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. By Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill. Copyright © 2006 by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission.
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