IS COUNSELING FOR WEIRD PEOPLE ONLY?

While therapy is becoming more accepted in many circles around the country there still remains a large segment of the population which holds the belief that therapy is only for people who are really “messed up or weak”. Comments like, “just trust in the Lord”, or “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” can be well meaning, but they often come from a deep seated belief that you should be able to get through difficult life issues without the help of a trusted counselor. This is simply not true and it is even unbiblical.

It is easy to understand the origins of this type of thinking. After all, Sigmund Freud, the Father of psychoanalysis, was made famous by studying the abnormal. If you have taken even a basic psychology class you have studied the theories of Freud. While therapy has its origins in the works of Sigmund Freud and his cohorts, most counseling today has moved far away from the ideas of Freud. Certainly, Christian counseling is a far cry from anything remotely Freud. You must be on guard that the foundation of psychology which you learned in your basic Psychology 101 classes does not shape your thinking of what Christian counseling is today. Today, it is simply not true that counseling is for weak people.

While each of us must confront the early ideas we learned about counseling psychology, we must also evaluate the merits of seeking wise counsel from a Biblical perspective. Even a cursory look at scripture reminds us of the importance of wise counsel. Scripture is littered with truth about the importance of seeking wise counsel. Two of my favorite verses in this vain are Proverbs 13:10. “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Proverbs 12:15 states, “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” There are many more verses which show the importance of seeking wise counsel. Scripture certainly does not teach that seeking counsel is only for weak people. In fact, it teaches the opposite. Scripture teaches that seeking counsel is the sign of a wise person.

Often, one of the first things I tell clients, especially those who seem a bit uneasy about being in a COUNSELORS office, is “You are the wise one. You admit that there is an issue in your life which is outside of yourself. You should be proud of the fact that you have recognized this and are seeking counsel.”

If scripture declares seeking counsel as such a wise thing then why are so many people still hesitant to seek out that counsel? While some of the hesitancy may come from fears of reliving the stories of your psychology 101 class, I believe the bigger issue is pride. The Bible calls those who are unwilling to seek counsel fools (Prov. 12:15). Often pride gets in the way, especially when the issue deals directly with something you know you must change. You must ask yourself if you are allowing pride to get in the way of healthy living. Is your pride-refusal to seek wise counsel- getting in the way of your marriage, work or other relationships? Scripture clearly teaches it can. Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

The challenge you have before you today is to examine your heart before the Lord. Have you allowed your prideful and arrogant heart to get in the way of seeking wise, godly counsel? If you have you must confess that sin before the Lord and you must seek wise counsel. Seeking counsel is not an admission of weakness, but continuing to live as if there are no problems is a characteristic of a fool.

If you need help in understanding how to choose a wise counselor I invite you to read an earlier article titled “What is Christian Counseling and How Do I Know I am Getting Counsel from a Christian? Click here to read the article.

Pre-Marital Help

Are you or someone you know considering marriage? Are you recently married? Are you a parent of a child who will be considering marriage in the next few years? If you answered yes to any of these questions you must check out the last two days of Focus on the Family's radio broadcast. The guest is Kay Cole James. She is an accomplished professional and she has also written a book titled What I wish I'd Known Before I Got Married. I encourage you to read this book and listen to the broadcast if you answered any of the above questions with a "Yes". You may listen to the broadcast by clicking here. The title of the two broadcasts are: Straight Talk To Young Couples, 1. and Straight Talk To Young couples, 2.

WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF

It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.

THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN

Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.

CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN

Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.

PRIDE AND ARROGANCE

Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?

YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?

YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR

Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.

As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).

Forgiving those who hurt you the most

How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months. Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you. Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the most.

Pray

I can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well, yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer however.

Check out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we can start with prayer!

Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You

It may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to extend forgiveness.

Seek Wise Counsel

The words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel. How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering? That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his client.

Knowing this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this, and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without confronting the need to forgive.

Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings

Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”

Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray, Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!

THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS

It has been mentioned in previous articles that forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is difficult, and while that is true, the importance of forgiveness is vast. Satan does a masterful job of twisting the importance of forgiveness in ones mind. Often, the one who has been hurt and needs to extend forgiveness has a difficult time coming to terms with the need to forgive. Hurt and pain have a way of making the person feel as if forgiving the one who offended them is a sign of weakness and surrender. As a result, often forgiveness is not extended. The result of this has enormous consequences for the person in need of extending forgiveness. The failure to forgive extends into all areas of a persons life- spiritual, emotional, and physical. In this article we will examine the importance of forgiveness in each of these areas.

No aspect of ones life is more greatly affected by un-forgiveness than ones spiritual life. Scripture teaches us that the failure to forgive someone can have eternal impact. Matthew 6:14-15 states “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is a strong statement that provides much insight into the importance God places on forgiveness. This verse teaches that we must have our horizontal (person to person) relationships right before our vertical relationship (God to man) can be. All of us have experienced the effects of what un-forgiveness does to our walk with the Lord. Failure to extend forgiveness leads us down a path of stagnation. No longer do we desire to commune with God. We feel shame and guilt and Satan does his best work during these seasons of life. If an unforgiving heart goes unchecked there will be an endless supply of anger, hostility and bitterness. These emotions do not correlate with a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Simply put, failure to forgive someone has enormous implications in relation to our walk with God. If you fail to extend forgiveness it is not the one who offended you who suffers, but rather you are continuing to let the offender win by refusing to forgive as God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).

Just as our Spiritual life suffers when we fail to extend forgiveness our emotions take a hit as well. This is why Ephesians 4:31-32 states “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Have you ever considered the effects un-forgiveness has on your emotions? It is as if the failure to extend forgiveness, while you want it to negatively affect the one who offended you, only causes you greater turmoil. This has been proven scientifically. Studies have shown that failure to forgive leads to anger, hate, revenge, misguided justice, depression and anxiety. While I am not a rocket scientist I do not believe anyone desires to experience these emotions, but recent scientific research on forgiveness clearly shows that a failure to forgive leads to these emotions and disorders.1 However, long before scientist and psychologist caught on to the fact that un-forgiveness plays a part in ones mental health Scripture taught us this. Ephesians 4:31-32 clearly draws a link between un-forgiveness and bitterness rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every other form of malice. Again, it is clear, if you want to experience emotional health, you must be willing to extend forgiveness when someone sins against you.

Just as there are definite spiritual and emotional consequences to un-forgiveness there also exists a physical consequence. While forgiveness research is only an emerging field of scientific study, there have been several studies which detail the positive effects forgiveness has on ones physical makeup. Studies have concluded that forgiveness has a correlation with reducing heart disease, as well as other physical ailments.2, 3 You may have never thought about it in these terms, but what this research proves is that your unwillingness to extend forgiveness could very well lead to an early death!

As you can see, forgiveness plays a vital role in your overall health. Choosing to forgive someone is not simply a small choice that has little ripple effect. The choice to forgive someone is of enormous importance. Its effects extend across your life- from your spiritual condition to potentially determining the number of years you live. Forgiveness must not be taken lightly.