Reducing Stress in Your Life

The Church at Sandhurst is hosting a conference on stress September 21-22. It is going to be an excellent conference that will give those in attendance valuable tools and teaching on how to reduce stress in key areas of their life. The conference will cover six topics. The topics include: dealing with financial stress; fostering spiritual growth in the midst of life's stresses; stress and communication in marriage; handling life crisis such as death divorce and terminal illness; parenting in the midst of stress; and how to reduce stress through wise career choices and development. For the next several weeks Denny Bates (Discipleship Pastor, Church at Sandhurst) and myself will be writing on the great myths concerning Christians and Stress. In this blog I am going to include the most recent myth. I hope that you learn from it and it peaks your interest so that will you sign up for this great conference. You can find out more about the conference by clicking here

“The Great Myths Concerning Christians And Stress”

Myth # 3: Having my child in constant extracurricular activity is good for my child and for our family.

Fact: Your children do not need more soccer practice or dance recitals. They need more time with you- their parent. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not more activity that keeps your child from pursuing the things of the world. Rather, research tells us, it is intentional, purposeful parent involvement which has the greatest impact on children becoming devoted followers of Jesus Christ. Which approach are you taking?

v The Power of a Parent

As you spend time with your child you will have the opportunity to teach them everlasting truth. Proverbs 6:20-23

v Parent with Purpose

Timothy was taught the Scriptures from infancy. Later in life he was able to draw upon the things he learned in childhood to get him through life’s difficulties. What will your child draw upon when life happens? 2 Timothy 3:14-15 & Proverbs 22:6

v Leave a Legacy

The greatest benefit to parenting is the opportunity to shape the next generation. Are you running your child from activity to activity stressing everyone out in the process or are you instilling a legacy that will last long after you have left? Psalm 78:1-7

Myth-Buster #3: The antidote for the stress that comes from having your child in too many extracurricular activities is to slow down and ask yourself how you can parent with purpose. Knowing the goals you have as a parent, and parenting accordingly, will reduce stress and glorify God.

Connecting Emotionally With Your Spouse

Connecting emotionally with your spouse is one of the most important keys to a healthy marriage, yet it is also one of the more challenging. The fact that we live in a fast food world makes slowing down difficult, and slowing down is a key part in becoming emotionally connected with your spouse. In this article, the second in a series of three, I will offer some practical ways you can connect or re-connect with your spouse emotionally.

The key to becoming emotionally connected with your spouse is to get below the fact level in your day to day communication. Statements such as “What did you do today” are factual questions and while they may be a good first question stopping with that type of question leads to conversations that are based on facts and not feelings. While facts are important unless you consistently delve deeper with your spouse you will become isolated from your spouse. You must make it a priority to ask feeling type questions. I know this sounds a little too mushy for most people, but it is essential to a healthy marriage. When you are in a healthy marriage you ask these questions without even realizing it, and when you are in an unhealthy marriage you do not ask these questions and one or both realize something is missing. When you take the time to ask feeling questions you are communicating that you love, care for and are concerned about your spouse. This leads to greater overall intimacy, more satisfaction, and a greater sense of togetherness.

For those of you who are in a marriage where factual conversations have become the norm it is going to take some time to change the conversational culture of your relationship. Here are four points to keep in mind as you set out on the adventure of reconnecting emotionally with your spouse.

1. Make it a priority. If you have gotten away from sharing with each other you are going to have to start by making it a priority. Wanting to change is not enough; you have to make it happen. This is going to require vulnerability and time, but if you make it a priority to share below the fact level the benefits will be a more intimate marriage.

2. Make it superficial, if needed. While all couples, at one time, shared at a feeling level (there would be no attraction if this did not happen), it may be that it has been such a long time since you communicated in this way that you no longer know how. If this is the case then it is OK to make it artificial in the beginning. If feeling type questions don’t flow naturally anymore, then designate time with your spouse to practice sharing your feelings. One technique that I use with couples who need a little assistance in this area is the Speaker/ Listener Technique. It is a simple communication aid that promotes speaking at a more intimate level. If you think this is something you need for your relationship give me a call or email me so that I can provide further assistance.

3. Force yourself to share your feelings. For many, especially men, it is not easy to share your feelings. It comes across as feminine and unnatural. It might be that you need to force yourself to share your feelings. While this may not seem appealing, looking at it as a lesser of two evils is one great way to approach it. I have had to sit across from both men and women and tell them they can either continue to communicate on a factual basis and lose their marriage or they can put aside their macho exterior and save their marriage by engaging emotionally with their spouse. Which option will you choose?

4. One is better than none. Model by example. It might simply be that one spouse is unwilling to share deeply with the other. In these cases it is important for the spouse who recognizes the need to change to change. Do not wait for the other spouse to get on board. It requires vulnerability, but it just might save your marriage.

In two weeks I will conclude this series by discussing the importance of physical intimacy in your marriage. Look for it.