The Case for Pre-Marriage Counseling

You will find many differing opinions on the importance of pre-marital counseling and the manor in which it is delivered. Some counselors and pastors opt for a simple approach which consists of one or two meetings while others require no “counseling”. Others yet require an intense counseling process consisting of several sessions- usually 4-8. In this article I am going to examine the approach I take with pre-married couples and explain why I believe pre-marriage counseling can be so effective.

I consider pre-marriage counseling the most important type of counseling I do. With soaring divorce rates and marriage satisfaction plummeting, I believe working with a couple before the honeymoon is over is the best way to ensure long-term satisfaction and intimacy in the marriage. Opponents of intense pre-marriage counseling often claim that the couple, enamored with each other, will not listen to counsel on how to resolve conflict, communicate effectively and deal with mother-in-law issues appropriately. While I concur that many couples will have a difficult time seeing themselves arguing over spending versus saving, sexual frequency, or who to eat Christmas dinner with, it is always better to teach effective skills to a couple before the conflict arises rather than during or after the conflict.

There is a key principle that is at the root of every marital conflict. Low intimacy equals high conflict and high intimacy equals low conflict. Let me explain it this way. Do you remember all of the cute, little, oddities you were able to ignore when you were dating? Maybe it was the way he ate his food- smacking constantly. Or maybe you overlooked the fact that your wife always fixed the same meal during the dating years. You thought that she just really liked meatloaf. You didn’t realize that meatloaf was the only thing she could cook!!! During the dating years these annoying habits are easily ignored and often even admired by the other partner because intimacy is at an all time high. However, it is not long after the marriage that couples can begin to become annoyed by things that once were attractive. This is where pre-marriage counseling comes in. What pre-marriage counseling does for a couple is it teaches them effective skills that they can put in their back pocket. When the challenges and stresses of marriage arrive, and they will, couples who have had quality pre-marriage counseling are a step ahead of couples who have no foundation for effective communication and problem solving techniques. In other words, pre-marriage counseling prepares the couple for the inevitable conflict and stresses of marriage and it provides them with quality tools to combat those issues. Pre-marital counseling certainly does not ensure a successful marriage, but it does provide the young couple with excellent tools to get started on the right track. A great way to look at pre-marriage counseling is as preventive maintenance. We have preventive maintenance with our cars and physical health; does it not make sense to have preventive maintenance with our marriage?

I utilize the Prepare/Enrich pre-marital counseling program. It is the most widely used pre-marital counseling assessment for couples in the United States and it has been proven effective both in my practice and in national research. During pre-marital counseling I will meet with the couple for a minimum of seven one hour sessions. During these sessions we will discuss issues such as communication, finances, sexual relationship, family of origin issues and life goals. The seven sessions provides the couple with a solid foundation in which to explore deeper issues related to their relationship and future marriage. It is an invaluable tool for engaged or seriously dating couples who are considering becoming engaged to be married. You may find out more information about the pre-marital counseling services available by contacting me at 843-662-2021, ext 1. or visiting the website at sandhurstchristiancounseling/premarriage.

Reducing Stress in Your Life

Myth #4: If I am asked to do something I must consent even if it results in unbearable stress for me and my family.

Fact: Learning to say “NO” may be one of the godliest things you ever do! Many people find it difficult to say “NO”. However, saying “NO”, while it often feels wrong and ungodly, may be the godliest answer you can ever give. The goal is to identify the most productive things you can do with your time and only commit to those things. In doing so, you need to take into account your various responsibilities of home and work and understand your priorities in order of importance.

v Jesus- Our Example

If there was ever someone who could handle always doing and never stopping it was Jesus. Yet he modeled for us the importance of saying “NO” to good things so that he could concentrate on the most important. Matthew 14:22-23

v Ministry is done from an overflow of the heart

When you constantly say yes to everyone you leave yourself little energy, patience and time to attend to the most important. Learning to say “NO” and taking time for yourself and your relationship with the Lord will enable you to prioritize your time and energy for the most important activities and it will allow you to have the needed energy- spiritual, physical and mental to make a difference in those activities. Luke 6:45

Myth-Buster #4: The antidote for the stress that comes from not being able to say no is to create boundaries that force you to analyze each task you take on. One way to do this is by running each idea by your kids and spouse. Allowing them to have veto power over your schedule is a great check and balance for you.

Want to learn more about how to cope with the stress in your life? Make your plans now to join others in the 2007 Stressed For Success Conference at Sandhurst on September 21 & 22. Refer to our website at www.sandhurst.net for additional information and future updates.