Great Sex

God wants you to have FANTASTIC sex! When I tell this to couple's sitting in my office I get a wide range of looks. The looks vary from looks of horror, "You can't say that about God", to one spouse elbowing the other saying "I TOLD YOU!" While there are boundaries to this truth- it must not be outside of marriage and it must not be abusive or manipulative-the statement is true. God created sex and He created it not only for the propagation of the human race but also for you to enjoy immensely. So why are there so few marriages where great sex is the norm? Let's take a look at three guidelines that will enhance your sexual pleasure in marriage.


Let's face it we live in a busy world, and busyness is often the thief of a great sexual experience. In a survey of 2000 Christian women the number one sexual issue was not desire, but "finding the energy for sex". That is a direct result of the busy lives we lead. While it may not be "sexy" the reality is that most of us today must have some form of planning involved to have great sex. We plan how we spend our time, energy and money in other areas but for some reason we are afraid of planning sex. If you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is less and less frequent consider planning your time a little more appropriately.


To be able to plan well a key component must be present... a willingness to talk about sex. This leads me to my second point. You must communicate your desire with a heart of patience, understanding, and selflessness. There are two keys to that statement. One is communication. Often one partner desires and needs sexual intercourse more frequently than the other (and no, it is not always the man who desires sex more). Many times the partner who desires sex more frequently sits in silence until one afternoon he erupts and becomes frustrated because he feels his spouse does not get him sexually. I often see couples who have been having these "sex fights" for many years. They come in defeated with their marriage hanging by a thread. If this is you know that a little communication goes a long way to creating a more intimate marriage. Simply stating, in an appropriate manner, your desire and needs will typically elicit a caring response from your spouse. The response may not be immediate, but unless there are deeper issues at play your spouse will desire to love you in that way. Additionally, you must have a heart of patience, understanding, and selflessness. Your needs are not your spouses needs and if you are always frustrated and show agitation when it comes to your sexual relationship it does not make it enjoyable or desirable for your spouse. Have clear, mature discussions about the specific desires each of you have and then commit to Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."


Husbands, do not expect to show up from a busy day of work, sit in front of the TV for a couple of hours and walk into the bedroom for an evening sexual encounter. You must understand that when you come home from work your day is not ending. In many ways it is just beginning. Serve your spouse (bathe the kids, do the dishes), with an attitude of selflessness, and positive sexual experiences will follow.


Wives, do not expect your husbands to constantly hear criticism from you and then desire to be intimate with you. Men, contrary to popular belief, do have feelings. If they are constantly belittled and ridiculed they are not going to desire sexual intimacy.


There are some of you who are reading this article saying: "I am communicating my desires and I am serving my spouse as best as I can and it is still not working. Our sex life is non-existent. " If this is you then I encourage you to consider counseling. There may be medical issues present or deeper marriage issues that must be worked through. For many it is initially intimidating to seek counsel over sexual issues in marriage, however it is crucial. God designed marriage to include sex...great sex, and it would be a shame if you allowed obstacles to get in the way of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage.

Marriage...It is Worth Working On

Recently I cam across a website titled "postcards from splitsville." This website documents the difficult and strong emotions children go through when their parents divorce. Take some time to look at the website (click here). The message for you and me... work on your marriage!!! Do not wait for it to get to the point where you need "professional help". Your children and the next generation are worth our effort!

A Good Night's Sleep

I am currently reading a book titled Is your Teen Stressed or Depressed: A Practical and Inspirational Guide for Parents of Hurting Teenagers. It is an excellent book and I highly recommend it...especially if you have teenagers in your home.
One of the points this book highlights is the importance of sleep for an adolescent (I might add for all of us.) Did you know that research shows a teen needs ten hours of sleep a day!!!! WOW! Anyway, the authors gave some practical suggestions for how to get a good night sleep and I thought I would pass them on to you.
1. Go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time. We all have an internal clock and if we are not going to bed at the same time each night this clock continually resets. It is like daylight savings time every day.
2. Create a comfortable sleeping environment.
- Light- Keep the bedroom dark. Darkness helps the brain produce melatonin which is the hibernation hormone that helps us sleep.
- Function- Make the bedroom a bedroom. Do not have a computer or TV in the room. Make it a stress free room.
3. Create relaxing bedtime routines.
4. Journal and make notes, if necessary- Keep a "yellow pad" beside your bed. if you find your brain racing about the next days activities or a looming project write your thoughts down so your brain does not keep reminding you or keep you awake worrying.
5. Exercise regularly, but not before bed. Exercise is an essential part of a healthy life, but doing it right before bed will revitalize your adrenal system.
6. Avoid heavy meals, spicy foods and stimulating substances (chocolate, coffee).

So there you have it, some simple yet important tips for getting a good night rest.
Check back soon for another post.

Where I have Been

Many of you have been asking why I have not been blogging. Well, there is no reason except I simply stopped. But have no fear, partly because you asked, and partly because it is a good discipline for me I am going to start blogging again. In this season of political promises I am going above the fray and I will promise you nothing!!! My goal is to blog 2-3 times a month, but it may be more it may be less. I will send emails out to those who have requested when I do BLOG so if you have not received an email and would like too receive them send me an email @ blogupdates@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com