Do you Want Financial Peace?

It is no small secret that financial stress is one of the most serious problems we face in America. Financial stress can be tied to all sorts of issues such as marriage issues, emotional issues, and spiritual issues. Knowing how to spend, save, and invest seems simple enough but the statistics overwhelmingly tell us that most of us either do not know how to manage money or we simply refuse to follow through with what we know we should be doing.

This is where Financial Peace University comes in. FPU is a 13-week, life-changing program that empowers and teaches you how to make the right money decisions to achieve your financial goals and experience a total money makeover (www.daveramsey.com).

The Church at Sandhurst is excited to offer this spiritually enriching, practical, useful program to its members and friends this winter/spring. FPU begins Thursday, October 7th at 6:30 PM. FPU will meet weekly on Thursday nights at the Church at Sandhurst. Childcare will be provided for children up to age 12. The cost of the entire program is $100.00 per family.

This class is an excellent resource which is useful no matter what your financial picture looks like. If you have any further questions please contact me at 662-2021, ext. 1

The Case for Pre-Marriage Counseling

You will find many differing opinions on the importance of pre-marital counseling and the manor in which it is delivered. Some counselors and pastors opt for a simple approach which consists of one or two meetings while others require no “counseling”. Others yet require an intense counseling process consisting of several sessions- usually 4-8. In this article I am going to examine the approach I take with pre-married couples and explain why I believe pre-marriage counseling can be so effective.

I consider pre-marriage counseling the most important type of counseling I do. With soaring divorce rates and marriage satisfaction plummeting, I believe working with a couple before the honeymoon is over is the best way to ensure long-term satisfaction and intimacy in the marriage. Opponents of intense pre-marriage counseling often claim that the couple, enamored with each other, will not listen to counsel on how to resolve conflict, communicate effectively and deal with mother-in-law issues appropriately. While I concur that many couples will have a difficult time seeing themselves arguing over spending versus saving, sexual frequency, or who to eat Christmas dinner with, it is always better to teach effective skills to a couple before the conflict arises rather than during or after the conflict.

There is a key principle that is at the root of every marital conflict. Low intimacy equals high conflict and high intimacy equals low conflict. Let me explain it this way. Do you remember all of the cute, little, oddities you were able to ignore when you were dating? Maybe it was the way he ate his food- smacking constantly. Or maybe you overlooked the fact that your wife always fixed the same meal during the dating years. You thought that she just really liked meatloaf. You didn’t realize that meatloaf was the only thing she could cook!!! During the dating years these annoying habits are easily ignored and often even admired by the other partner because intimacy is at an all time high. However, it is not long after the marriage that couples can begin to become annoyed by things that once were attractive. This is where pre-marriage counseling comes in. What pre-marriage counseling does for a couple is it teaches them effective skills that they can put in their back pocket. When the challenges and stresses of marriage arrive, and they will, couples who have had quality pre-marriage counseling are a step ahead of couples who have no foundation for effective communication and problem solving techniques. In other words, pre-marriage counseling prepares the couple for the inevitable conflict and stresses of marriage and it provides them with quality tools to combat those issues. Pre-marital counseling certainly does not ensure a successful marriage, but it does provide the young couple with excellent tools to get started on the right track. A great way to look at pre-marriage counseling is as preventive maintenance. We have preventive maintenance with our cars and physical health; does it not make sense to have preventive maintenance with our marriage?

I utilize the Prepare/Enrich pre-marital counseling program. It is the most widely used pre-marital counseling assessment for couples in the United States and it has been proven effective both in my practice and in national research. During pre-marital counseling I will meet with the couple for a minimum of seven one hour sessions. During these sessions we will discuss issues such as communication, finances, sexual relationship, family of origin issues and life goals. The seven sessions provides the couple with a solid foundation in which to explore deeper issues related to their relationship and future marriage. It is an invaluable tool for engaged or seriously dating couples who are considering becoming engaged to be married. You may find out more information about the pre-marital counseling services available by contacting me at 843-662-2021, ext 1. or visiting the website at sandhurstchristiancounseling/premarriage.

Reducing Stress in Your Life

Myth #4: If I am asked to do something I must consent even if it results in unbearable stress for me and my family.

Fact: Learning to say “NO” may be one of the godliest things you ever do! Many people find it difficult to say “NO”. However, saying “NO”, while it often feels wrong and ungodly, may be the godliest answer you can ever give. The goal is to identify the most productive things you can do with your time and only commit to those things. In doing so, you need to take into account your various responsibilities of home and work and understand your priorities in order of importance.

v Jesus- Our Example

If there was ever someone who could handle always doing and never stopping it was Jesus. Yet he modeled for us the importance of saying “NO” to good things so that he could concentrate on the most important. Matthew 14:22-23

v Ministry is done from an overflow of the heart

When you constantly say yes to everyone you leave yourself little energy, patience and time to attend to the most important. Learning to say “NO” and taking time for yourself and your relationship with the Lord will enable you to prioritize your time and energy for the most important activities and it will allow you to have the needed energy- spiritual, physical and mental to make a difference in those activities. Luke 6:45

Myth-Buster #4: The antidote for the stress that comes from not being able to say no is to create boundaries that force you to analyze each task you take on. One way to do this is by running each idea by your kids and spouse. Allowing them to have veto power over your schedule is a great check and balance for you.

Want to learn more about how to cope with the stress in your life? Make your plans now to join others in the 2007 Stressed For Success Conference at Sandhurst on September 21 & 22. Refer to our website at www.sandhurst.net for additional information and future updates.

Reducing Stress in Your Life

The Church at Sandhurst is hosting a conference on stress September 21-22. It is going to be an excellent conference that will give those in attendance valuable tools and teaching on how to reduce stress in key areas of their life. The conference will cover six topics. The topics include: dealing with financial stress; fostering spiritual growth in the midst of life's stresses; stress and communication in marriage; handling life crisis such as death divorce and terminal illness; parenting in the midst of stress; and how to reduce stress through wise career choices and development. For the next several weeks Denny Bates (Discipleship Pastor, Church at Sandhurst) and myself will be writing on the great myths concerning Christians and Stress. In this blog I am going to include the most recent myth. I hope that you learn from it and it peaks your interest so that will you sign up for this great conference. You can find out more about the conference by clicking here

“The Great Myths Concerning Christians And Stress”

Myth # 3: Having my child in constant extracurricular activity is good for my child and for our family.

Fact: Your children do not need more soccer practice or dance recitals. They need more time with you- their parent. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not more activity that keeps your child from pursuing the things of the world. Rather, research tells us, it is intentional, purposeful parent involvement which has the greatest impact on children becoming devoted followers of Jesus Christ. Which approach are you taking?

v The Power of a Parent

As you spend time with your child you will have the opportunity to teach them everlasting truth. Proverbs 6:20-23

v Parent with Purpose

Timothy was taught the Scriptures from infancy. Later in life he was able to draw upon the things he learned in childhood to get him through life’s difficulties. What will your child draw upon when life happens? 2 Timothy 3:14-15 & Proverbs 22:6

v Leave a Legacy

The greatest benefit to parenting is the opportunity to shape the next generation. Are you running your child from activity to activity stressing everyone out in the process or are you instilling a legacy that will last long after you have left? Psalm 78:1-7

Myth-Buster #3: The antidote for the stress that comes from having your child in too many extracurricular activities is to slow down and ask yourself how you can parent with purpose. Knowing the goals you have as a parent, and parenting accordingly, will reduce stress and glorify God.

Connecting Emotionally With Your Spouse

Connecting emotionally with your spouse is one of the most important keys to a healthy marriage, yet it is also one of the more challenging. The fact that we live in a fast food world makes slowing down difficult, and slowing down is a key part in becoming emotionally connected with your spouse. In this article, the second in a series of three, I will offer some practical ways you can connect or re-connect with your spouse emotionally.

The key to becoming emotionally connected with your spouse is to get below the fact level in your day to day communication. Statements such as “What did you do today” are factual questions and while they may be a good first question stopping with that type of question leads to conversations that are based on facts and not feelings. While facts are important unless you consistently delve deeper with your spouse you will become isolated from your spouse. You must make it a priority to ask feeling type questions. I know this sounds a little too mushy for most people, but it is essential to a healthy marriage. When you are in a healthy marriage you ask these questions without even realizing it, and when you are in an unhealthy marriage you do not ask these questions and one or both realize something is missing. When you take the time to ask feeling questions you are communicating that you love, care for and are concerned about your spouse. This leads to greater overall intimacy, more satisfaction, and a greater sense of togetherness.

For those of you who are in a marriage where factual conversations have become the norm it is going to take some time to change the conversational culture of your relationship. Here are four points to keep in mind as you set out on the adventure of reconnecting emotionally with your spouse.

1. Make it a priority. If you have gotten away from sharing with each other you are going to have to start by making it a priority. Wanting to change is not enough; you have to make it happen. This is going to require vulnerability and time, but if you make it a priority to share below the fact level the benefits will be a more intimate marriage.

2. Make it superficial, if needed. While all couples, at one time, shared at a feeling level (there would be no attraction if this did not happen), it may be that it has been such a long time since you communicated in this way that you no longer know how. If this is the case then it is OK to make it artificial in the beginning. If feeling type questions don’t flow naturally anymore, then designate time with your spouse to practice sharing your feelings. One technique that I use with couples who need a little assistance in this area is the Speaker/ Listener Technique. It is a simple communication aid that promotes speaking at a more intimate level. If you think this is something you need for your relationship give me a call or email me so that I can provide further assistance.

3. Force yourself to share your feelings. For many, especially men, it is not easy to share your feelings. It comes across as feminine and unnatural. It might be that you need to force yourself to share your feelings. While this may not seem appealing, looking at it as a lesser of two evils is one great way to approach it. I have had to sit across from both men and women and tell them they can either continue to communicate on a factual basis and lose their marriage or they can put aside their macho exterior and save their marriage by engaging emotionally with their spouse. Which option will you choose?

4. One is better than none. Model by example. It might simply be that one spouse is unwilling to share deeply with the other. In these cases it is important for the spouse who recognizes the need to change to change. Do not wait for the other spouse to get on board. It requires vulnerability, but it just might save your marriage.

In two weeks I will conclude this series by discussing the importance of physical intimacy in your marriage. Look for it.

FOSTERING SPIRITUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

The biggest mistake I see couples make when setting out to change the direction of their marriage is that they bite off to much at one time. I often preach baby steps to couples who are seeking to change the DNA of their marriage. It was not one major decision which got them of course and it will not be one major change which gets them back on course. It is a series of small, manageable, conscious, decisions which will right your marriage. With this in mind let us turn our attention to righting your marriage as it relates to building spiritual intimacy.

Fostering spiritual intimacy in your marriage must start with your personal relationship with the Lord. If you find yourself in a marriage where there is little intimacy, especially when it concerns spiritual things, then you first must check your own personal walk with the Lord. It is impossible to share with your spouse what you have not first experienced. Many individual’s do not know where to begin when it comes to growing daily in your relationship with God. Again it is important to remember baby steps. If you wake up one morning and decide that you are going to go from no time with the Lord to spending one hour praying and studying the Scriptures each day it is very likely that your commitment will fizzle out within the week. Scripture is clear that there is no formula that guarantees godliness. Spending one hour each day immersed in the Scriptures may in fact be as ungodly as doing nothing. Scripture teaches that our goal should be to become as much like Jesus as possible (1 Peter 1:16, Philippians 2:5-11). While this certainly includes prayer and Scripture reading those things do not guarantee godliness. Start with manageable goals, maybe it is 10 minutes a day in the Scriptures? The goal is not quantity but quality when it comes to prayer and scripture reading. As you earnestly seek the Lord and ask Him to grow you into more of His image you will be blessed. This is the first and most important aspect of fostering spiritual intimacy in marriage.

As you begin seeking the Lord in your personal life you will not be able to help but share what you are learning with your spouse. Spiritual intimacy in your marriage does not have to be regimented couple devotions and prayer time, though it certainly can be. In fact, one of the best ways to foster intimacy in your marriage is to simply allow it to be an overflow of what each of you is learning individually. Doing this will give you the opportunity to begin a more regimented couple/family devotional. Spiritual intimacy is best fostered through natural conversations which turn toward what you are learning and experiencing in your walk with God. You will know that there is a spiritually intimate setting in your marriage when both of you are able to discuss spiritual things- the pastors sermon, your own personal devotions or the latest news event and its relationship to Gods Word. For couples who do not have a spiritually intimate relationship there seems to be an unstated rule that spiritual conversations are off limits. This is a dangerous place to be in your marriage. Not only does it signal concern in terms of your individual relationship with God, but a lack of spiritual conversation and prayer also bleeds into every other aspect of your marriage. You can be sure that if spiritual conversations are off limits, many other things are off limits as well. Intimacy cannot be fostered when there are restraints on what is accepted to talk about. If you find yourself in a marriage where this is the case I encourage you to begin making choices today to change the culture of your marriage. Continuing down this path is not one that brings joy and contentment or honor to God.

If you have additional questions or need further help on fostering spiritual intimacy in your marriage/family please call me at 843-662-2021, ext. 1 or send me an email at reeves@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com

Understanding Depression

I am going to take a week off from the series- Fostering Intimacy in Marriage- to highlight a video testimony from Pastor Tommy Nelson. Tommy Nelson is a well-known Bible Teacher. He is known for producing excellent small group studies in the books of Song of Solomon, Ecclesiastes and Romans. He also travels all over the world teaching his Song of Solomon conference. Tommy has recently gone through a severe period of depression and in this video he does a tremendous job of helping you understand the causes and impact of depression- both for the one who is depressed and for family members. He also approaches depression from a Biblical perspective, and he does as good of a job as I have seen breaking down the proper, scientific understanding and use of medication for depression. I cannot state any more strongly how important it is for you to take 25 minutes to watch this video. Unless you live in a cave you will experience depression yourself or you will have a loved one suffer from depression and this video speaks to depression better than any I have seen in my years of study. Check out the video by clicking here

FOSTERING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Every couple longs to be close to each other. No couple sets out on their wedding day with hopes of their spouse simply functioning as a roommate. However, many couples eventually find themselves in a marriage which resembles nothing more than two people living as roommates. It is clear in Scripture that God desires more for your marriage and you must as well. Genesis 2:24 states: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh. This is God’s purpose statement for marriage and it is oozing with intimacy. It is clear God has designed marriage to be a place of intimacy, togetherness and love. The distressing reality, however, is that couples everywhere are settling for roommates rather than spouses. Nowhere is this greater than within the Christian community. Often Christian couples see divorce as a non-option due to their religious beliefs, and while I am not advocating divorce as an option, I believe that a couple who resigns themselves to a frat house marriage, as I like to call it, is missing the mark just as much as a couple who sees divorce as an option. In this article I am going to look briefly at how to begin fostering intimacy in your marriage.

Imagine your marriage as a three legged stool. If any one of the legs becomes weak or breaks the stool cannot function properly. You marriage is much like this three legged stool. Without growth and intimacy in your spiritual, emotional and physical relationship your marriage will eventually crumble and fall. Often couples come to me who are floundering in their marriage. They have all sorts of hypothesis’ as to why their marriage is in a desperate state, but often it comes back to the fact that there has not been any fostering of spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy. When this happens your relationship reverts to auto-pilot and while auto-pilot may be good for pilots it is never good for marriages. All marriages have the tendency to revert to auto-pilot. When this occurs the marriage develops patterns that are high in risk and low in intimacy and enrichment. This is a natural progression due to our sin nature, yet couples can circumvent this natural progression. Doing this requires conscious, daily choices, and these choices come as a result of daily dependence on the Holy Spirit

Often couples ask me, after I have explained the importance of this three-fold focus, where they should start. While I recommend starting with the spiritual, it is important to understand that these three areas do not function independently of each other. It is crucial that you focus on all three areas and learn ways to practically grow intimacy in each of these areas. You cannot overload one area and neglect another. Each is important. It requires hard work, discipline and time, but intimacy can be achieved. Over the next three weeks I will practically look at each of these areas and offer suggestions as to how you and your spouse can grow the intimacy in your marriage. For now, I want to encourage you. You may feel that your marriage is at a place where the best you can ever hope for is a peaceful roommate type relationship. You do not have to settle for that, and while it may be that your marriage needs the extra attention of a marriage counselor, consciously focusing on building intimacy in these three key areas will grow your marriage. Over the next three weeks you will learn how to practically make that happen in your marriage. Be encouraged!

THE IMPORTANCE OF A GREAT ESCAPE

When was the last time you and your spouse had a romantic getaway? I am talking about an overnight trip without the kids and without distractions. It could be somewhere near or far, expensive or not, but it is clearly a time for you and your spouse to recharge your batteries and invest in your marriage. In this article, the first in a series on building intimacy in your marriage, we are going to look at the importance of great escapes- as I like to call them- and how you can plan them without breaking the bank.

A CALL FOR GREAT ESCAPES

I often ask couples who come to see me about the last time they had a romantic weekend together- just the two of them. It might seem like an inconsequential question, but I have found that their answer provides me with a quick glimpse of the overall intimacy of their marriage. While the old adage “families who pray together stay together” rings true, I have found a new adage that is just as true. “Couples who escape together remain together”. With all that life throws our way it is vital to set aside specific time to invest in your marriage.

Weekend retreats allow time for quality communication in the midst of our hectic family lives. They serve as a sanctuary and can recharge your collective battery like no other tool I know. These retreats allow for in-depth communication, quality time, physical connectedness and rest. Four things any marriage must have to survive. Without a doubt, time alone-whether one night or one week- is one of the greatest catalysts to sustaining the intimacy any marriage needs to thrive.

HOW TO MAKE A GREAT ESCAPE A GREAT REALITY

You might be saying, “All that sounds great, but we have two kids, limited time and no money for a weekend away.” While I sympathize with your circumstances, you cannot allow them (circumstances) to erode the intimacy in your marriage. Here are some simple yet proven strategies for how you can make a great escape a great reality.

1. If your children’s grand-parents are not available to watch the children for a weekend see about making a deal with a close couple friend. When my wife and I lived 1200 miles from any family we would often offer to baby-sit a friend’s child in exchange for a free night for us. This worked out wonderfully for us, and while it might be unreasonable to leave your kids for a week to go enjoy the Bahamas, a co-op deal like this does work wonders for a date night or a one night quick getaway. We found that once we initiated the idea other couples were eager (to say the least) to get in on the free babysitting. Don’t be afraid to ask, your friends need a great escape as much as you do.

2. While there are some reasons which may be reasonable as to why you don’t get away with your spouse not having enough time is not one of them. A wise man once said “Procrastination is the thief of time.” While it might be true that you are busy, a little forethought is all it takes to plan a weekend away. The problem is not that you do not have enough time; the problem is that you do not plan your time. I challenge you tonight to sit down with your spouse- after the kids are in bed- get a calendar out and plan a weekend for just the two of you. Don’t wait for a free weekend; those don’t happen. Plan a weekend!

3. Not having enough money is a real problem. When the bills are due and there is no money left to pay them the last thing on your mind is setting aside a few extra dollars for a weekend of fun. While there are legitimate expenses that eat up much of our monthly budget, for the overwhelming majority of Americans all it takes is a little money management for dollars to be freed up for great escapes. If you find yourself unable to find the money you need consider revisiting your budget. If you do not have a budget then you must get one! While this may not seem like a fun task, it might just save your marriage, and make you feel like you got a pay raise. If you do not know where to start in this process, I am able to help.

Secondly, while getting away for a weekend can be done with extravagance and expense it certainly does not have to be. Many times while my wife and I were in graduate school (i.e. poor) we took advantage of great deals. One such time I remember both of us were home early on a Friday afternoon. We were discussing our weekend plans, which seemed rather blah and I made the suggestion of getting away for a night. My wife, thinking I was loosing it again, objected, but I persisted. I quickly jumped online, got on priceline and requested a four star hotel for $25.00. The next thing we knew we were packing our bags to spend the night one block away from our apartment at a 4 star hotel. It was one of the most fun, relaxing and re-energizing times of our marriage. Just getting out of the ordinary was wonderful for building intimacy in our marriage.

Living in a smaller city may not provide you with the same opportunities for great deals a big city affords, but there are many bigger cities not far away from most small towns which offer these deals. Give priceline a try when planning a quick getaway. There are deals to be found.

Admittedly, when children enter the picture these spur of the moment opportunities become nearly impossible, but that does not mean that great escapes become a thing of the past. Sure it takes a little more planning and preparation, but they can still be done, and if you’re a little extra creative they can still be done while keeping it a surprise (be careful with that though, some moms don’t like leaving their child without a little preparation.)

My wife and I like to getaway at least four times a year. Some are more extravagant than others, but what makes it work is that we plan it in advance and set aside a little money each month so that when the trip comes we do not spend months paying it off.

There is one more issue which must be discussed. There are many couples reading this who are scared at the thought of having to spend an entire weekend away from the kids and alone with their spouse. Thoughts such as “What will we talk about” or “We will just end up fighting” are real thoughts for many couples. If you have read this article and find yourself with these thoughts I encourage you to seek marriage counseling. This is a sign that the intimacy and connectedness of your marriage is at a dangerously low point. Your marriage can improve, but remaining on auto-pilot is not the way to improve it.

Check back next week as we continue to explore ways to grow intimacy in marriage.

Protecting the Purity of Your Teenager

I came across a great article today that I would encourage any father of a teenage son or daughter to read. It is a challenging article that deals frankly with how we, as fathers, are to protect our children from the moral onslaught that is prevalent today. If you have a teenager you need to check this article out. Read it by clicking here.

FINDING YOUR WAY THROUGH DEPRESSION

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God? These words from Psalm 42 ask a simple yet poignant question. Why are you depressed? Depression, to varying degrees, will affect all of us. It is true that you may never be diagnosed with clinical depression or need medication to help control the symptoms, but all of us, at times, will experience bouts of depression. In this article we will look at the characteristics and causes of depression. As well, we will look at what help is available to those who find themselves in the midst of their dark night of the soul.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF DEPRESSION

Depression is rightly described as anger turned inward, and it can make the strongest person weak. When you are depressed you lose all hope. You no longer find anything to get excited about. You have trouble sleeping, or maybe you sleep all day and can’t get out of bed, your eating habits change and your self-esteem is non-existent. Before depression you were able to think and communicate intelligently, but now you notice your thoughts are running together; you can’t seem to concentrate enough to carry on an adult conversation. For some, there is suicidal ideation… “I wonder what it would be like if I was not here?” It is maddening, but you can’t find the energy to correct the problem; you do not know how to correct the problem. Depression has stormed into your life and robbed you of the joy and happiness you once experienced. You feel empty!

WHAT CAUSES DEPRESSION

Depression can be brought on by a myriad of issues and it can come out of nowhere. Happy things such as weddings, the birth of a child or graduation can bring about depression, as well as sad and difficult experiences such as the death of a loved one, divorce or sickness. For some it is easy to see why they are battling depression and for others there seems to be no logical reason why the struggle occurs. No matter the cause, however, depression is real and for the one who is in the midst of it they will do or give anything to move beyond the feelings.

THERE IS HOPE

If you find yourself in the midst of this battle or you have a loved one that is carrying this burden I want to encourage you that there is hope. Without trying to sound trite or give a simple, uncompassionate answer Psalm 42 does provide us with the only true way to navigate through depression and that is by putting your hope in God (Psalm 42:5-6). This may appear impossible, as you do not have the energy to do anything, but you must find a way to put your hope in the one true God, the God who, according to Philippians 4:7 will give us peace that transcends all understanding (i.e. it does not make sense to an unbelieving world).

Clinically speaking the greatest thing you can do is seek help. Do not allow yourself or your loved one to continue to suffer when help is available. It is not a sign of weakness to admit you need help. In fact, it is a sign of wisdom. Proverbs 12:15 states “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” There are things a clinically trained counselor can do that will aid in healing from depression.

Equally important is a thorough medical exam. Depression is often due to medical conditions and only your medical doctor can understand and address those issues correctly. It is essential that you get a medical exam yearly. It is good stewardship.

Another important point any quality counselor will consider when he is treating depression is the physiological issues. These include your eating, sleeping and exercise habits. Research has shown that positive physiological patterns in ones life have a great impact in treating depression. You must get a quality night sleep, eat healthy and develop a simple, but effective exercise routine. Doing these things will aid tremendously in decreasing the depressive symptoms.

Lastly, I want to encourage you if you find yourself struggling with depression to seek help. There are things that we can do together to treat depression effectively. You or your loved one does not have to go at it alone. Help is available. Together we will assess the situation and work to combat the issues from a physiological, medical and spiritual/emotional standpoint.

As I close let me remind you of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. It is a great passage for those who find themselves in the midst of depression. “We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an internal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Check Out These Radio Broadcasts

Instead of writing an article this week I want to highlight the Radio broadcasts of Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. This week both radio ministries are highlighting subjects that speak to real life. Focus on the Family, with Dr. James Dobson, is highlighting a very real phenomenon in American culture. They have invited Julie Ann Barnhill for a three part series dealing with Guilt in Motherhood. If you are a mother- no matter if you have grown children or toddlers this is a broadcast that would benefit you. It is also a helpful broadcast for husbands seeking to understand the pressures of being a mother in America. You may listen by clicking here.

Family Life Today has invited David Cox, a marriage a family counselor from Spartanburg, SC, to speak on the subject of suicide. In this three day series David covers many aspects of suicide. Many of us have been affected by suicide either directly or indirectly. This three day series is a valuable resource for anyone who is interested in learning about suicide and the many issues surrounding it. You may listen by clicking here.

WHO ARE YOU PURSUING?

What comes to your mind when you hear the word pursue? Does your mind race back to a wild police chase you witnessed on the latest episode of COPS or do you think about a wild tiger trouncing on his dinner in the latest episode of National Geographic Explorer. The word pursue is a word of action. It speaks of intensity and courage; there is no time for being tired or busy when a pursuit is needed. You do not see cops eating donuts during a pursuit! What about your marriage relationship? Are you pursuing your spouse or has that chase been over for a while? Put another way, are you back at headquarters getting fat on donuts or are you still in the chase? In this article I want to look at the importance of continually pursuing your spouse and give you some simple steps that will help you get back in pursuit mode.

Research tells us that somewhere between the honeymoon and the fifth year of marriage the momentum of the initial pursuit wears off and real life kicks in. When this occurs we often allow the busyness of life to invade and we allow ourselves to run out of time for things we once considered an essential part of our day. In the early part of your dating relationship you did everything you could to pursue your significant other. You bought flowers, you sent cards, you listened, and you gave of your time. You had too, and you wanted too! It was a wonderful season of your life filled with intense emotions and happiness; you would do anything to keep the love of your life happy. What happened?

To be fair, life does get busy. For most couples the initial (dating) pursuit occurs during a relatively calm period of life. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, you find yourself living the same life you witnessed your parents living. You find yourself no longer going to a job, but building a career. No longer are there sweet talks about how many kids you would like to have… you have them- THREE of them! And no family in America is complete without Sammy the dog. Simply put, there is less time for pursuing your spouse; life has invaded! However the importance of pursuing your spouse has not gone away, in fact it has only intensified. You feel overwhelmed though and it is only natural to let the person you feel most secure with move to the back burner. Without even realizing it you have left the pursuit of your spouse and replaced it with the pursuit of a career, children, activities and life! Continuing down this road will, for a time, seem to have a great payoff. You have a great house, great kids and a job that pays. It is the American dream. But you know the real story- your marriage is an empty shell of what it used to be and the career that was once so enjoyable has turned to drudgery. How did you get here? What can you do to change course?

Whether you find yourself identifying with the description above or you are wise enough to know you don’t want to go there here are five simple, yet profound steps you can take to ensure that you remain on target in pursuing your spouse.

1. Pursue an intimate relationship with God.

You cannot expect to have an intimate relationship with your spouse if your relationship with God is shallow. It is hard work, but you must make time to commune with God on a daily basis. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking the only way to have a daily quiet time is to spend 30 minutes praying and 30 minutes reading the Bible. Be creative. Find what works for you, but pursue God intimately.

When I lived in Dallas I suddenly found myself with a 12 mile 45 minute commute two times a day. It took me a while to recognize it, but that was valuable time that I could use. I bought the Bible on CD and listened to James Earl Jones read Galatians and various other books to me. It was a profound time of learning for me. Have you ever taken the time to listen quietly to the Scriptures being read? It will open your eyes to things you may have skipped over before. Be creative, but you must pursue God.

2. Schedule Romance

When you were dating you did not need a sticky note to remind you to do something sweet for your spouse. It came naturally, but it has also has left naturally. It takes discipline for many of us to get back in the mode of pursuing our spouse. Don’t be afraid to schedule it. Put it in your planner that you are going to take 15 minutes on the 12^th of each month to write a love note to your spouse. A couple of months of scheduled romance and you will be a champ and it will flow naturally.

3. Be Creative

If you are like me creativity goes out of the window when the busyness of life invades. Genius ideas that once flowed so freely no longer come to my mind as much. What starts out as a romantic date night idea turns into the same dinner and a movie date. Force yourself to come up with a better idea. Get some accountability. Tell a friend that you are going to plan a great night for your spouse and have him or her hold you accountable. Stop the same old dinner and a movie date night.

4. Listen Well

How good does it feel when someone looks you in the eye and allows you to share their heart without comment or interruption. That in itself can be some of the best therapy you or I will ever receive. Make it a point to do that with your spouse. Turn off the TV, shut down the computer. Set aside time, after the kids are in bed, to talk and listen. Now that is ROMANCE!

5. Think back to what you did when you were dating

If all else fails… reminisce. What did you enjoy when y’all were dating? How did you pursue your spouse at that season of life? Sure, it will be done with more maturity and understanding now, but just because you are at a different stage in your life does not mean that what worked back then does not work now.

Hopefully you can see the importance of continually pursuing your spouse. It is hard work when life is racing by, but these simple steps will get you back on the right track as you engage in the most important pursuit of your life. Get started tonight!

SURE, IT’S A GOOD THING, BUT IS IT THE BEST THING?

Life is busy! Every where you turn there is something or someone asking for your time. Whether it involves the kids, the church, your job or your friends someone is there to take up every precious moment you have in your twenty-four hour day. If it were not for FAST food some of us may starve due to the time demands we place ourselves under. It is not news that we live at a frighteningly furious pace.

While there are many advantages to operating in a fast paced society there are also many potential hazards awaiting those who do not stop to smell the roses. In this article I want to remind you of the importance of saying "NO", and give you two tools which will help you in your efforts. After all, your family could be at stake.

We have all heard the sobering statistics on divorce. Nearly half of all marriages that begin this year will end in divorce. Putting it another way, if you attend four weddings this year you can expect two of them to end in divorce! What is the cause of such bleak news? How can we stop this epidemic? While it is clear that there are a myriad of issues which surround each divorce it is also clear that one of the most deadly forces upon marriage today is simply that we have forsaken time with our spouse / family for time with everything else.

It is unbelievably easy to allow this to occur. Before we even realize what we have done we have over-scheduled ourselves and left little to no time for the ones we love the most. It is a natural thing to do this. We feel safest with those we love the most, and while that is a good thing, it can be detrimental when it comes time to making split second decisions. Decisions such as, “Do I take on the extra job to impress my boss or do I leave the weekend free to relax with my wife and kids?” Or what about when the phone rings and Suzy Q. is on the other end asking you to volunteer at XYZ ministry? You rationalize… “It is such a neat place and they are doing such good work. It would only be one night each week. It can’t be that bad!” All of us have been there and all of us have taken on tasks we know we should have said no too!

BREAKING FREE

It is easy to diagnose the problem, but breaking free is another thing. How can you learn to guard your time and protect your most precious asset- your family. While there is no secret formula there are a couple of boundaries you can put into place.

1. Learn to say “NO!!!”

Some of the best advice I have ever received came from the Dean of Students at Columbia International University. He remarked, “I make it a practice to tell at least one person “NO” each day, just to stay in practice.” While he was overemphasizing his point, it did come across loud and clear to me. There are many good things which clamor for your precious time each day, but often there is only time for the best things. Make sure that you do not say “YES” to good things and leave no time for the best things.

For some saying “no” is easier than for others. Get to know yourself, if you have difficulty saying “no”, make a conscious effort to develop this godly discipline in your life. There are more than enough ministries, activities and people who can abuse your time if you allow it. However, none of those things are worth loosing your family or even upsetting them.

2. Create a scheduling committee.

This may sound hokey to you, but trust me, it works. I had a professor in college who had his wife, a secretary, and another colleague approve all of his outside speaking engagements. Before he could say yes to any outside engagement it had to be approved, not by his employer, but by his self-appointed scheduling committee. You may be saying, isn’t that a bit of overkill for someone like me? Most likely it is not if you have read this far! Try it out and see if it does not create greater intimacy and community with those you love the most. Before you accept another ministry position, extra assignment at work or youth league coaching position put together a scheduling committee. I recommend having your spouse, a trusted friend, and your age appropriate children on it. Unless all agree that this is an assignment which will be for the benefit of the family goals you should politely refrain from taking on another assignment.

Often we become so enthralled with good things that we squeeze out the most precious things in our life. If you find yourself with this tendency I encourage you to implement these two boundaries in your life.

IS COUNSELING FOR WEIRD PEOPLE ONLY?

While therapy is becoming more accepted in many circles around the country there still remains a large segment of the population which holds the belief that therapy is only for people who are really “messed up or weak”. Comments like, “just trust in the Lord”, or “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” can be well meaning, but they often come from a deep seated belief that you should be able to get through difficult life issues without the help of a trusted counselor. This is simply not true and it is even unbiblical.

It is easy to understand the origins of this type of thinking. After all, Sigmund Freud, the Father of psychoanalysis, was made famous by studying the abnormal. If you have taken even a basic psychology class you have studied the theories of Freud. While therapy has its origins in the works of Sigmund Freud and his cohorts, most counseling today has moved far away from the ideas of Freud. Certainly, Christian counseling is a far cry from anything remotely Freud. You must be on guard that the foundation of psychology which you learned in your basic Psychology 101 classes does not shape your thinking of what Christian counseling is today. Today, it is simply not true that counseling is for weak people.

While each of us must confront the early ideas we learned about counseling psychology, we must also evaluate the merits of seeking wise counsel from a Biblical perspective. Even a cursory look at scripture reminds us of the importance of wise counsel. Scripture is littered with truth about the importance of seeking wise counsel. Two of my favorite verses in this vain are Proverbs 13:10. “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Proverbs 12:15 states, “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” There are many more verses which show the importance of seeking wise counsel. Scripture certainly does not teach that seeking counsel is only for weak people. In fact, it teaches the opposite. Scripture teaches that seeking counsel is the sign of a wise person.

Often, one of the first things I tell clients, especially those who seem a bit uneasy about being in a COUNSELORS office, is “You are the wise one. You admit that there is an issue in your life which is outside of yourself. You should be proud of the fact that you have recognized this and are seeking counsel.”

If scripture declares seeking counsel as such a wise thing then why are so many people still hesitant to seek out that counsel? While some of the hesitancy may come from fears of reliving the stories of your psychology 101 class, I believe the bigger issue is pride. The Bible calls those who are unwilling to seek counsel fools (Prov. 12:15). Often pride gets in the way, especially when the issue deals directly with something you know you must change. You must ask yourself if you are allowing pride to get in the way of healthy living. Is your pride-refusal to seek wise counsel- getting in the way of your marriage, work or other relationships? Scripture clearly teaches it can. Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

The challenge you have before you today is to examine your heart before the Lord. Have you allowed your prideful and arrogant heart to get in the way of seeking wise, godly counsel? If you have you must confess that sin before the Lord and you must seek wise counsel. Seeking counsel is not an admission of weakness, but continuing to live as if there are no problems is a characteristic of a fool.

If you need help in understanding how to choose a wise counselor I invite you to read an earlier article titled “What is Christian Counseling and How Do I Know I am Getting Counsel from a Christian? Click here to read the article.

Pre-Marital Help

Are you or someone you know considering marriage? Are you recently married? Are you a parent of a child who will be considering marriage in the next few years? If you answered yes to any of these questions you must check out the last two days of Focus on the Family's radio broadcast. The guest is Kay Cole James. She is an accomplished professional and she has also written a book titled What I wish I'd Known Before I Got Married. I encourage you to read this book and listen to the broadcast if you answered any of the above questions with a "Yes". You may listen to the broadcast by clicking here. The title of the two broadcasts are: Straight Talk To Young Couples, 1. and Straight Talk To Young couples, 2.

WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF

It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.

THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN

Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.

CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN

Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.

PRIDE AND ARROGANCE

Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?

YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?

YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR

Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.

As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).

Forgiving those who hurt you the most

How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months. Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you. Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the most.

Pray

I can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well, yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer however.

Check out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we can start with prayer!

Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You

It may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to extend forgiveness.

Seek Wise Counsel

The words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel. How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering? That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his client.

Knowing this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this, and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without confronting the need to forgive.

Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings

Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”

Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray, Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!