Moving at Break Neck Speed

“We need to slow down!” I hear these words quite often. I am either screaming them to myself or my wife is graciously reminding me that we are on a crash course with burnout and fatigue. Not two foes I have time to meet. Often “survival” becomes the goal of the day. I must confess all too often that is my rallying cry.

When I take a moment to stop, however, and look at what consumes my life it gets even more discouraging. It seems that in my pursuit to keep up I have busied myself with insignificant pursuits. I have made decisions with my time without regard to what God has called me to do and be about. Putting it all together it makes no sense. I am running at break neck speed to pursue things that will not last- often to the detriment of more eternal pursuits. 1 Corinthians 3:13 reminds us that all of our work will be tested by fire. This verse reminds each of us that much of what we do on this earth will not amount to anything but firewood in eternity. As Believers, we must understand that our ultimate purpose in life is to become more like Jesus (I Peter 1:13-16). You can do this as a mom, a doctor, a pastor, or you can choose to ignore this purpose and go about your duties as a mom, pastor, doctor, etc without regard to your purpose.

As I have reflected on this truth I have been challenged to assess the activity of my life compared to what I know the purpose of my life to be. I have some priorities that need to be changed- do you?

Friends- They Key to Adolescent Success?

I have spent several years working with adolescents. From being a youth pastor to a professional counselor who devotes much of his practice to youth, adolescents have been a significant part of my professional work. I even have a degree in youth ministry (adolescent education). Recently I was reflecting on what it takes to help teens navigate through the challenges of adolescents. There are many keys, but I have come to believe that outside of a relationship with Christ the most vital key to an adolescents success depends on his friends. Certainly a relationship with Christ is vital, and loving, supportive parents are tremendously important, but as I reflected on all of the teens I have worked with it is the company they keep which seems to determine their ability to navigate adolescents unscathed. The teen can have supportive parents, profess a relationship with Christ, but if they choose the wrong companions the teenage years can be wrought with trouble. This is because teens are at a stage in life where peer acceptance is at a climax. They are seeking to become independent and in that desire they will break from their parents values and ideals and go with the values and ideals their friends espouse.

Knowing this there are two important steps I want to highlight that parents can take to help ensure their child does not succumb to the pressures of adolescents. One, make your home a place where teens want to be. This does not mean you have to have every latest gadget, but when your child's friends are in your home create an environment that is welcoming and pressure free. Give them the freedom to enjoy themselves while you watch from a safe distance. A child who feels like his parents are getting into his business will not bring his friends around. Teens do not want to hear their parents voice every time they have a friend over. Be sensitive to your requests and corrections in front of your child's friends. If they are embarrassed you can be sure you will not be seeing much of your child's friends and your child will do everything they can to stay away as well. You must be involved in their lives, but give them the space to figure out who they are. This is a delicate balance, but one that is vital for helping your teen through adolescents.

Two, Pray! Whether you have a teen now or the teenage years are several years away you can begin now by praying. James reminds us that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16). The challenges that teens are facing today are enormous. I am amazed at the changes in culture in just the time I have been out of high school. It is startling and scary! Prayer is the parents most effective tool in combating the challenges of the teenage years and whether your child is in the midst of these years or is several years away begin now by seeking the face of God.

If you want additional help and resources in helping your teen navigate adolescents call Reeves to schedule an appointment. 843.662.2021, ext 1.

Two thumbs UP!

My wife and I were able to go see the movie Fireproof this weekend. What a great movie! I was a little concerned that it would be another low budget, "cheesy" movie with the same basic storyline of a troubled marriage being saved. Man, it was so much more! I was challenged, convicted and encouraged. If you are married or thinking about getting married this movie is a must see! It will convict you and inspire you all at the same time.

For those who have seen other movies created and produced by this company, such as Facing the Giants, you know that the acting is not A-list Hollywood. Let me say that the acting in this movie is far and away better than the acting in other movies this company has produced, but this is not a movie that you go too because you want to see an actor or actress perform well. This movie depicts real life, and it will speak to you. Make it a priority this week to set a date with your spouse to see this movie. Your marriage will reap the benefits! If I could think of a more emphatic way to tell you to go see this movie I would! Simply, please, GO!

Understanding the Love of Your Life

Many of you have asked when I am going to do another Marriage seminar in the area. Well, you will not have to wait long. October 24th and 25th at Bay Branch Free Will Baptist Church in Timmonsville, SC I will be teaching again on the subject of personality and marriage. The conference- called Understanding the Love of Your Life (designed by Walk Thru the Bible)- is fun, energetic, and powerful. You will walk away with tremendous insight into your unique personality style and the style of your mate. Armed with this knowledge, and the Biblical understanding Walk Thru the Bible is famous for you will come away with a weekend of significant marital growth. To sign up email me at reeves@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com.

Lessons from a Child

Have you ever had one of those moments? A moment where you are innocently playing or reading with your child when all of a sudden you are taught something only a child can teach you?

My son and I were reading one of his favorite Bible stories- David and Goliath. In the particular children's Bible we were reading from that day, the story ended with a simple question: What did you learn? As I read the answer written on the page I was once again reminded of God's impeccable timing and ability. God knew the message I needed to hear that day and He used a childrens book and my three year old son to teach me. When I sat down to read the story I never thought God had something for me. I mean, while I do not in any way profess to be a Bible scholar, I have been to Bible college and seminary, what can a childrens story teach me about Scripture? Heck, I have even been to the mountain in Israel where David and Goliath fought. Yet it took this childrens book to remind me of a great truth that is vital for all of us?

As I was wrestling with the challenges of the day and week I was reminded, as it was written in bold letters, "No problem is too big for God." What a simple, but profound statement. A statement that was written for a child, yet fitting for adult-size problems- your problems and mine!

All of us have struggles as we navigate this life of depravity, yet we must remind ourselves that "No problem is too big for God." Whether it is a deep Bible study that teaches you this truth or a simple childrens story do not let this truth escape you as you continue the journey!

An Extraordinary Example

Many of you are familiar with the testimony of Robertson McQuilkin. Dr. McQuilkin is the former president of Columbia International University who resigned his position to care for his ailing wife, Muriel. The last four days Family Life Today has highlighted the testimony of Robertson and Muriel. Whether you know the story well or have never heard it before I encourage you to listen to the broadcast with your spouse. Use it as a catalyst for your own discussion about marriage, commitment and life. It will be a great source of encouragement and intimacy for you and your spouse as you listen to the broadcast. The titles of the broadcast are titled: My Decision Part 1 and Part 2, What God has Done, and Our Future.
Click here to listen

Being a Dad to Your Daughter

My wife and I were recently strolling through a bookstore when I came across an interesting title from Dennis Rainey- Interviewing Your Daughters Date. It immediately caught my attention as we are expecting our first daughter in December. Yes, maybe you can say I am a little nervous or paranoid, but I remember my thoughts when I was dating (and I was interested in doing it the right way). As the studies show, teenage boys think about sex every seven seconds! Others will remind us that they lie about the other six seconds. When you are the father of a son you have to worry about one boy, when you are the father of a daughter you have to worry about EVERY BOY! There are unique responsibilities to being a father of each sex and one of the responsibilities I, along with each of you dads have, is to guard your daughters heart. My intent in this BLOG is to highlight Interviewing Your Daughters Date so that you will read it and act upon its words of wisdom. I will do this by highlighting a few thoughts that sobered me and reminded me of a not so long ago time when I was dating my wife.

Dennis opens the book with a not so subtle reminder for us Dad's. He writes, "There was a day- it doesn't seem that long ago- when this dating stuff was the furthest thing from her mind, back when her only plans for Saturday night were for us to run barefoot together in the mowed grass, playing freeze tag and catching fireflies. But it turns out I wasn't the only one who would discover how much fun she is to be around. This little girl I took to magical places in bedtime stories and amazed with tooth fairy notes now has other male voices telling her things a girl likes to hear. This is when a dad who's never met a monster he couldn't slay suddenly feels weak and alone."


Talk about a sobering thought! Your cute little "princess" all of a sudden being interested in guys. Ouch! You may be a dad whose daughters are already dating or you may be fifteen or more years away from your daughters first date, but the day is coming, and Dad's we have a responsibility to protect our daughters! In this politically correct age it may not seem right to you that you would "infringe" on your daughter or some young man who wants to date your daughter, but we must. Dennis writes, " Men, the bottom line is this: God made dads to protect their daughters. And one of the ways we can do this is by checking out and qualifying the young men who want to date them."

There are two illustrations in the book which reminded me of this great responsibility- even if it is a difficult and intimidating task to undertake.

The first illustration comes from a man named Steve. Steve, looking at his daughters date asks the young man this question, "Do you know what stewardship is? You see, we don't own Susie and Emily, (his daughters) we (him and his wife) are stewards of them. And by letting you take them on a date we are transferring that stewardship for an evening." What a great biblical picture of our responsibility!

The second illustration come from Dennis himself. Dennis describes putting all of his families important papers in a neat stack on a table- marriage certificate, house deed, diplomas, investment and bank statements, honors and awards, etc. He then writes, "with my hands still resting on that pile of papers, I looked Luke squarely in the eye and said, "Tell me, Luke, what's the most valuable thing on this porch? I'll never forget Luke's face. His eyes were on those papers. Then they began to dart back and forth between that pile, Rebecca, and me. And with a less than confident answer, he said, Rebecca? I affirmed his answer and then went on to share with him that if she was that valuable, then he and I needed to have a little conversation. With that I excused Rebecca."

Now, admittedly, reading of this encounter outside the context of the book you think this guy is a jerk who is just about playing a power trip on any guy brave enough to ask one of his daughters on a date. I can assure, that is not the case. Dennis understands the enormous responsibility we have. He highlights in this short book the great balance between being firm and to the point with showing love and grace to the young man. He states," The interview is never meant to be heavy-handed. It's not about an egotistical dad trying to make a teenage boy feel small. It's a time when a real man reaches out to engage a younger man in a noble conversation about a young lady." Dads, the question still remains for us, are we going to be obedient to the God given responsibility we have to our daughters?

Dennis also talks about the many benefits this type of "manning up" results in. He discusses the great rapport, respect and healthy relationship you develop with the young man who dates your daughter. He also reminds us that this type of fathering results in your daughter feeling respected and loved which encourages her to remain faithful. It is also a great teaching tool for your sons as they watch you (how to be a noble steward of your son is an entirely different discussion, but equally important.)

There are so many other great lessons in this short book, but I want to encourage you to read it for yourself. The bottom line is this: Dad you have a responsibility before the Lord to protect your son and daughter. This is one way you must protect your daughter and you must not let intimidation or politically correct thought deter you from doing what is right-being a noble steward of your daughter!

Excellent Opportunity to Grow Your Marriage

Greetings!
I have recently had the opportunity to receive training with Walk Thru the Bible. Walk Thru the Bible is an excellent organization whose mission is to contribute to the spiritual growth of Christians worldwide through Bible teaching, tools and training. Walk Thru has been accomplishing this mission for over 30 years!

This is where you come in. I am hosting a "private" Marriage Seminar on September 12th and 13th at the Church at Sandhurst. This seminar is only for those of you who received an email about the event or read about it on my BLOG. It is not available to the general public. As an Associate Instructor with Walk Thru the Bible I am required to host a seminar to a small group before I begin taking this seminar to other churches and community organizations. I am asking for you to attend the seminar to grow your marriage and support me. You will not be disappointed!

The seminar is titled "Understanding the Love of Your Life" and it is designed to give you insight into the intimate details of your own unique marriage relationship and to help blossom a fresh sense of true appreciation for the strengths your mate brings to your marriage. The cost of the seminar is $34.00 per couple. This is a reduced price. I am only covering the cost of your materials in this price. You will receive a conference notebook and refreshments throughout the seminar. Dinner will not be served Friday night. To learn more information about the seminar visit the conference information page by clicking here.

I understand that this is the third week of the college football season. Football fans, you will not miss any action! The seminar will start on Friday at 6:30 PM and end at 9:00 PM. You will return Saturday morning at 9:00 AM and we will wrap the seminar up by 11:45AM- just in time for a 12:00 PM kickoff (Clemson plays NC State at 12:00 PM and Carolina plays Georgia at 3:30)!

Please plan to attend this exciting, fun and growth filled time with your spouse. Childcare is provided at no additional charge. Advanced registration is required for all attendee's so please let me know ASAP if you are planning to attend. Attendance is secured with your payment. You can mail all registration checks to 2112 Gable Ridge Dr. Florence, SC 29501, or give me the check in person. Checks are made payable to Reeves Cannon. To register download the registration sheet attached to this email.
If you have any questions please respond to this email or call me at 843-676-5996.

Looking forward to impacting our marriages together- for the Kingdom of God!
Reeves

The Husbands Purpose

I am working my way through Ephesians 5:22-33 in my personal study time and I recently came across a commentary on the husbands responsibility as the head of the wife. This commentary is a comment that has challenged me and brought me to my knees and I want to pass it on to you. May it serve as a new challenge or a timely reminder in your life and marriage.


"The path of sacrificial love to which a husband is called is not an egalitarian rejection of responsibility for caring for his wife, but the faithful service of Christ as one charged with withholding nothing to advance her growth in radiant holiness."

- Edmund Clowney, The Church

It is easy to read over this statement and not allow it to soak in, but to do so would be foolish! Go back, read it again. Did you do it? Yes, it may take reading this statement two or three times before you even begin to grasp its significance, but, husband, this is your number one calling. You must make sure you get it right! Typically I do not like to break down man's statements, but this statement so closely mirrors that of scripture that it is helpful to understand it so that we can understand what God is calling us to be and do.


Let's take the first part of the statement: The path of sacrificial love to which a husband is called...
Men, what does it mean to love sacrificially? This is your calling. Ephesians 5:25 states it this way... Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. What did Christ give for us? Simply put, Everything. Philippians 2:5-11 is a great portrait of Christ's love towards us. That passage reminds us that Christ emptied himself. He was God,.. yet he did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. I do not think most of us live in a way which shows that we grasp this truth! If we did we would live differently. Men, what do you treasure the most outside of your family? Whatever it is you must be willing to give it up for your wife day after day. You are to treat her as Christ treated us, irregardless of how she treats you!


The statement continues...not an egalitarian rejection of responsibility for caring for his wife,...
You, as a husband, are responsible for caring for your wife. The marriage relationship is one of order and God has ordained the man to be head over the woman. Not because man is better, but because man has been given more responsibility and accountability for the relationship. This speaks nothing to the significance of man or woman. It only speaks to whom has what responsibilities. It is easy to forget, in the daily grind your chief responsibility. Ask yourself: Are you caring for your wife or are you more interested in your own pursuits?


And finally...but the faithful service of Christ as one charged with withholding nothing to advance her growth in radiant holiness."
Simply put, Ephesians 5: 25ff teaches that the husband is charged (commanded) to withhold nothing to advance his wife's growth in radiant holiness (Christ-likeness). A husband who is most concerned with advancing and promoting his wife's holiness (Christ-likeness) is one who is most closely obeying the commands of God. Yes, you read that correctly, husband, you have a responsibility in your wife's Christ-likeness. How you lead your family determines to a large degree your wife's ability to grow in Christ-likeness. Your job is to present your wife before Christ as a radiant bride, one who resembles the Lord Himself. Indeed this is a heavy responsibility. We are told to not enter into marriage hastily. Consider the job requirements. They are demanding. Make sure that you are up for the task. You will be held accountable, not for your wife's personal sins, but for how you led your family. It is a great responsibility and a great privilege.

Happy Birthday, America!

In this political season and time of financial uncertainty, in some peoples eyes, I encourage all of us to take a moment to remember the sacrifices of those who have gone before us and of those who are serving today. As we celebrate our country's birthday over this weekend let us remember, no matter your political bent that we can be proud to be an American! Check out this video. Click Here

Rasing Your Child to Know the Lord

Hear , O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.- Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Do you recognize your responsibility as a mom or dad to communicate the Gospel to your children? While church or Christian school, if you so choose, can be aides for you, they are not to replace the God-given responsibility you have of being the primary source for Biblical teaching. Simply put, you have the responsibility to ensure your child(ren) understands the Gospel. This can be intimidating at times. This responsibility demands that you understand the Gospel and it challenges you to create an environment in your home where the Gospel is at the forefront.

I was encouraged this week when I came across the resource, What God Has Always Wanted. This 22 page book designed for children, but beneficial for parents is a great tool for you as you communicate the Gospel to your children. I encourage you to purchase it if you have children in your home or if you have grandchildren.
You can learn more about the book and its authors by clicking here.
To hear a radio interview about the book click here.

Great Sex

God wants you to have FANTASTIC sex! When I tell this to couple's sitting in my office I get a wide range of looks. The looks vary from looks of horror, "You can't say that about God", to one spouse elbowing the other saying "I TOLD YOU!" While there are boundaries to this truth- it must not be outside of marriage and it must not be abusive or manipulative-the statement is true. God created sex and He created it not only for the propagation of the human race but also for you to enjoy immensely. So why are there so few marriages where great sex is the norm? Let's take a look at three guidelines that will enhance your sexual pleasure in marriage.


Let's face it we live in a busy world, and busyness is often the thief of a great sexual experience. In a survey of 2000 Christian women the number one sexual issue was not desire, but "finding the energy for sex". That is a direct result of the busy lives we lead. While it may not be "sexy" the reality is that most of us today must have some form of planning involved to have great sex. We plan how we spend our time, energy and money in other areas but for some reason we are afraid of planning sex. If you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is less and less frequent consider planning your time a little more appropriately.


To be able to plan well a key component must be present... a willingness to talk about sex. This leads me to my second point. You must communicate your desire with a heart of patience, understanding, and selflessness. There are two keys to that statement. One is communication. Often one partner desires and needs sexual intercourse more frequently than the other (and no, it is not always the man who desires sex more). Many times the partner who desires sex more frequently sits in silence until one afternoon he erupts and becomes frustrated because he feels his spouse does not get him sexually. I often see couples who have been having these "sex fights" for many years. They come in defeated with their marriage hanging by a thread. If this is you know that a little communication goes a long way to creating a more intimate marriage. Simply stating, in an appropriate manner, your desire and needs will typically elicit a caring response from your spouse. The response may not be immediate, but unless there are deeper issues at play your spouse will desire to love you in that way. Additionally, you must have a heart of patience, understanding, and selflessness. Your needs are not your spouses needs and if you are always frustrated and show agitation when it comes to your sexual relationship it does not make it enjoyable or desirable for your spouse. Have clear, mature discussions about the specific desires each of you have and then commit to Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."


Husbands, do not expect to show up from a busy day of work, sit in front of the TV for a couple of hours and walk into the bedroom for an evening sexual encounter. You must understand that when you come home from work your day is not ending. In many ways it is just beginning. Serve your spouse (bathe the kids, do the dishes), with an attitude of selflessness, and positive sexual experiences will follow.


Wives, do not expect your husbands to constantly hear criticism from you and then desire to be intimate with you. Men, contrary to popular belief, do have feelings. If they are constantly belittled and ridiculed they are not going to desire sexual intimacy.


There are some of you who are reading this article saying: "I am communicating my desires and I am serving my spouse as best as I can and it is still not working. Our sex life is non-existent. " If this is you then I encourage you to consider counseling. There may be medical issues present or deeper marriage issues that must be worked through. For many it is initially intimidating to seek counsel over sexual issues in marriage, however it is crucial. God designed marriage to include sex...great sex, and it would be a shame if you allowed obstacles to get in the way of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage.

Marriage...It is Worth Working On

Recently I cam across a website titled "postcards from splitsville." This website documents the difficult and strong emotions children go through when their parents divorce. Take some time to look at the website (click here). The message for you and me... work on your marriage!!! Do not wait for it to get to the point where you need "professional help". Your children and the next generation are worth our effort!

A Good Night's Sleep

I am currently reading a book titled Is your Teen Stressed or Depressed: A Practical and Inspirational Guide for Parents of Hurting Teenagers. It is an excellent book and I highly recommend it...especially if you have teenagers in your home.
One of the points this book highlights is the importance of sleep for an adolescent (I might add for all of us.) Did you know that research shows a teen needs ten hours of sleep a day!!!! WOW! Anyway, the authors gave some practical suggestions for how to get a good night sleep and I thought I would pass them on to you.
1. Go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time. We all have an internal clock and if we are not going to bed at the same time each night this clock continually resets. It is like daylight savings time every day.
2. Create a comfortable sleeping environment.
- Light- Keep the bedroom dark. Darkness helps the brain produce melatonin which is the hibernation hormone that helps us sleep.
- Function- Make the bedroom a bedroom. Do not have a computer or TV in the room. Make it a stress free room.
3. Create relaxing bedtime routines.
4. Journal and make notes, if necessary- Keep a "yellow pad" beside your bed. if you find your brain racing about the next days activities or a looming project write your thoughts down so your brain does not keep reminding you or keep you awake worrying.
5. Exercise regularly, but not before bed. Exercise is an essential part of a healthy life, but doing it right before bed will revitalize your adrenal system.
6. Avoid heavy meals, spicy foods and stimulating substances (chocolate, coffee).

So there you have it, some simple yet important tips for getting a good night rest.
Check back soon for another post.

Where I have Been

Many of you have been asking why I have not been blogging. Well, there is no reason except I simply stopped. But have no fear, partly because you asked, and partly because it is a good discipline for me I am going to start blogging again. In this season of political promises I am going above the fray and I will promise you nothing!!! My goal is to blog 2-3 times a month, but it may be more it may be less. I will send emails out to those who have requested when I do BLOG so if you have not received an email and would like too receive them send me an email @ blogupdates@sandhurstchristiancounseling.com

Do you Want Financial Peace?

It is no small secret that financial stress is one of the most serious problems we face in America. Financial stress can be tied to all sorts of issues such as marriage issues, emotional issues, and spiritual issues. Knowing how to spend, save, and invest seems simple enough but the statistics overwhelmingly tell us that most of us either do not know how to manage money or we simply refuse to follow through with what we know we should be doing.

This is where Financial Peace University comes in. FPU is a 13-week, life-changing program that empowers and teaches you how to make the right money decisions to achieve your financial goals and experience a total money makeover (www.daveramsey.com).

The Church at Sandhurst is excited to offer this spiritually enriching, practical, useful program to its members and friends this winter/spring. FPU begins Thursday, October 7th at 6:30 PM. FPU will meet weekly on Thursday nights at the Church at Sandhurst. Childcare will be provided for children up to age 12. The cost of the entire program is $100.00 per family.

This class is an excellent resource which is useful no matter what your financial picture looks like. If you have any further questions please contact me at 662-2021, ext. 1

The Case for Pre-Marriage Counseling

You will find many differing opinions on the importance of pre-marital counseling and the manor in which it is delivered. Some counselors and pastors opt for a simple approach which consists of one or two meetings while others require no “counseling”. Others yet require an intense counseling process consisting of several sessions- usually 4-8. In this article I am going to examine the approach I take with pre-married couples and explain why I believe pre-marriage counseling can be so effective.

I consider pre-marriage counseling the most important type of counseling I do. With soaring divorce rates and marriage satisfaction plummeting, I believe working with a couple before the honeymoon is over is the best way to ensure long-term satisfaction and intimacy in the marriage. Opponents of intense pre-marriage counseling often claim that the couple, enamored with each other, will not listen to counsel on how to resolve conflict, communicate effectively and deal with mother-in-law issues appropriately. While I concur that many couples will have a difficult time seeing themselves arguing over spending versus saving, sexual frequency, or who to eat Christmas dinner with, it is always better to teach effective skills to a couple before the conflict arises rather than during or after the conflict.

There is a key principle that is at the root of every marital conflict. Low intimacy equals high conflict and high intimacy equals low conflict. Let me explain it this way. Do you remember all of the cute, little, oddities you were able to ignore when you were dating? Maybe it was the way he ate his food- smacking constantly. Or maybe you overlooked the fact that your wife always fixed the same meal during the dating years. You thought that she just really liked meatloaf. You didn’t realize that meatloaf was the only thing she could cook!!! During the dating years these annoying habits are easily ignored and often even admired by the other partner because intimacy is at an all time high. However, it is not long after the marriage that couples can begin to become annoyed by things that once were attractive. This is where pre-marriage counseling comes in. What pre-marriage counseling does for a couple is it teaches them effective skills that they can put in their back pocket. When the challenges and stresses of marriage arrive, and they will, couples who have had quality pre-marriage counseling are a step ahead of couples who have no foundation for effective communication and problem solving techniques. In other words, pre-marriage counseling prepares the couple for the inevitable conflict and stresses of marriage and it provides them with quality tools to combat those issues. Pre-marital counseling certainly does not ensure a successful marriage, but it does provide the young couple with excellent tools to get started on the right track. A great way to look at pre-marriage counseling is as preventive maintenance. We have preventive maintenance with our cars and physical health; does it not make sense to have preventive maintenance with our marriage?

I utilize the Prepare/Enrich pre-marital counseling program. It is the most widely used pre-marital counseling assessment for couples in the United States and it has been proven effective both in my practice and in national research. During pre-marital counseling I will meet with the couple for a minimum of seven one hour sessions. During these sessions we will discuss issues such as communication, finances, sexual relationship, family of origin issues and life goals. The seven sessions provides the couple with a solid foundation in which to explore deeper issues related to their relationship and future marriage. It is an invaluable tool for engaged or seriously dating couples who are considering becoming engaged to be married. You may find out more information about the pre-marital counseling services available by contacting me at 843-662-2021, ext 1. or visiting the website at sandhurstchristiancounseling/premarriage.

Reducing Stress in Your Life

Myth #4: If I am asked to do something I must consent even if it results in unbearable stress for me and my family.

Fact: Learning to say “NO” may be one of the godliest things you ever do! Many people find it difficult to say “NO”. However, saying “NO”, while it often feels wrong and ungodly, may be the godliest answer you can ever give. The goal is to identify the most productive things you can do with your time and only commit to those things. In doing so, you need to take into account your various responsibilities of home and work and understand your priorities in order of importance.

v Jesus- Our Example

If there was ever someone who could handle always doing and never stopping it was Jesus. Yet he modeled for us the importance of saying “NO” to good things so that he could concentrate on the most important. Matthew 14:22-23

v Ministry is done from an overflow of the heart

When you constantly say yes to everyone you leave yourself little energy, patience and time to attend to the most important. Learning to say “NO” and taking time for yourself and your relationship with the Lord will enable you to prioritize your time and energy for the most important activities and it will allow you to have the needed energy- spiritual, physical and mental to make a difference in those activities. Luke 6:45

Myth-Buster #4: The antidote for the stress that comes from not being able to say no is to create boundaries that force you to analyze each task you take on. One way to do this is by running each idea by your kids and spouse. Allowing them to have veto power over your schedule is a great check and balance for you.

Want to learn more about how to cope with the stress in your life? Make your plans now to join others in the 2007 Stressed For Success Conference at Sandhurst on September 21 & 22. Refer to our website at www.sandhurst.net for additional information and future updates.

Reducing Stress in Your Life

The Church at Sandhurst is hosting a conference on stress September 21-22. It is going to be an excellent conference that will give those in attendance valuable tools and teaching on how to reduce stress in key areas of their life. The conference will cover six topics. The topics include: dealing with financial stress; fostering spiritual growth in the midst of life's stresses; stress and communication in marriage; handling life crisis such as death divorce and terminal illness; parenting in the midst of stress; and how to reduce stress through wise career choices and development. For the next several weeks Denny Bates (Discipleship Pastor, Church at Sandhurst) and myself will be writing on the great myths concerning Christians and Stress. In this blog I am going to include the most recent myth. I hope that you learn from it and it peaks your interest so that will you sign up for this great conference. You can find out more about the conference by clicking here

“The Great Myths Concerning Christians And Stress”

Myth # 3: Having my child in constant extracurricular activity is good for my child and for our family.

Fact: Your children do not need more soccer practice or dance recitals. They need more time with you- their parent. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not more activity that keeps your child from pursuing the things of the world. Rather, research tells us, it is intentional, purposeful parent involvement which has the greatest impact on children becoming devoted followers of Jesus Christ. Which approach are you taking?

v The Power of a Parent

As you spend time with your child you will have the opportunity to teach them everlasting truth. Proverbs 6:20-23

v Parent with Purpose

Timothy was taught the Scriptures from infancy. Later in life he was able to draw upon the things he learned in childhood to get him through life’s difficulties. What will your child draw upon when life happens? 2 Timothy 3:14-15 & Proverbs 22:6

v Leave a Legacy

The greatest benefit to parenting is the opportunity to shape the next generation. Are you running your child from activity to activity stressing everyone out in the process or are you instilling a legacy that will last long after you have left? Psalm 78:1-7

Myth-Buster #3: The antidote for the stress that comes from having your child in too many extracurricular activities is to slow down and ask yourself how you can parent with purpose. Knowing the goals you have as a parent, and parenting accordingly, will reduce stress and glorify God.

Connecting Emotionally With Your Spouse

Connecting emotionally with your spouse is one of the most important keys to a healthy marriage, yet it is also one of the more challenging. The fact that we live in a fast food world makes slowing down difficult, and slowing down is a key part in becoming emotionally connected with your spouse. In this article, the second in a series of three, I will offer some practical ways you can connect or re-connect with your spouse emotionally.

The key to becoming emotionally connected with your spouse is to get below the fact level in your day to day communication. Statements such as “What did you do today” are factual questions and while they may be a good first question stopping with that type of question leads to conversations that are based on facts and not feelings. While facts are important unless you consistently delve deeper with your spouse you will become isolated from your spouse. You must make it a priority to ask feeling type questions. I know this sounds a little too mushy for most people, but it is essential to a healthy marriage. When you are in a healthy marriage you ask these questions without even realizing it, and when you are in an unhealthy marriage you do not ask these questions and one or both realize something is missing. When you take the time to ask feeling questions you are communicating that you love, care for and are concerned about your spouse. This leads to greater overall intimacy, more satisfaction, and a greater sense of togetherness.

For those of you who are in a marriage where factual conversations have become the norm it is going to take some time to change the conversational culture of your relationship. Here are four points to keep in mind as you set out on the adventure of reconnecting emotionally with your spouse.

1. Make it a priority. If you have gotten away from sharing with each other you are going to have to start by making it a priority. Wanting to change is not enough; you have to make it happen. This is going to require vulnerability and time, but if you make it a priority to share below the fact level the benefits will be a more intimate marriage.

2. Make it superficial, if needed. While all couples, at one time, shared at a feeling level (there would be no attraction if this did not happen), it may be that it has been such a long time since you communicated in this way that you no longer know how. If this is the case then it is OK to make it artificial in the beginning. If feeling type questions don’t flow naturally anymore, then designate time with your spouse to practice sharing your feelings. One technique that I use with couples who need a little assistance in this area is the Speaker/ Listener Technique. It is a simple communication aid that promotes speaking at a more intimate level. If you think this is something you need for your relationship give me a call or email me so that I can provide further assistance.

3. Force yourself to share your feelings. For many, especially men, it is not easy to share your feelings. It comes across as feminine and unnatural. It might be that you need to force yourself to share your feelings. While this may not seem appealing, looking at it as a lesser of two evils is one great way to approach it. I have had to sit across from both men and women and tell them they can either continue to communicate on a factual basis and lose their marriage or they can put aside their macho exterior and save their marriage by engaging emotionally with their spouse. Which option will you choose?

4. One is better than none. Model by example. It might simply be that one spouse is unwilling to share deeply with the other. In these cases it is important for the spouse who recognizes the need to change to change. Do not wait for the other spouse to get on board. It requires vulnerability, but it just might save your marriage.

In two weeks I will conclude this series by discussing the importance of physical intimacy in your marriage. Look for it.